Still really upset and angry
I HATE being angry. It has to be the worst thing ever because it takes so much for me to actually get to that point that when I do... I get really hurt and upset that someone could get me to that point.
I'm bitter. I'm never bitter.
I told Dave I'd call him back (he called when I was in the bath), but I don't know if I want to. A part of me wants to just let him know how it feels to wait for that call and not get it.
I feel like I just don't fucking care about anything. I've been in the worst mood all day, moody and extremely quiet. I feel like if I open my mouth I'm just going to scream, which will lead me then to cry. So, being quiet is best for me.
I can't wait until tomorrow where I can do something other than school. Maybe go down to my secret spot and go running. Go to the libary and study. Anything to be away from people.
I don't know why I shut down when I'm upset and/or angry. I like to keep it inside of me. Talking about it just frusterates me more and leads me to start thinking and analyzing more.
And, for the most part my friends don't know how to help me. Adam thinks the cure all is to just get rid of Dave and hook up with some hot guy (which actually doesn't sound so bad). Kristen listens but can't relate. She says she sorry, but doesn't offer me anything. Lisa would agree with Adam. So would Madison.
Kristen tried hard though, and I admire her for that! She's never said to me I should just forget Dave. She understands as best as she can.
But I don't even feel like telling anyone what's going on.
I wish I could just forget about the whole thing, but I can't. And Dave acts like it's no big thing.... but in my mind, it's huge!
I keep remembering that night when Dave got so angry and upset with me because I told him a little white lie about something Danny and I had done. I didn't see it as a big deal. But he sure did.
Well this is a huge deal to me. So big that I don't want to have anything to do with him right now.
He may have said he's sorry... but that didn't mean I forgave him. He hurt me, a lot! More than I think he knows. I don't think I've EVER been angry with him, ever!
And, what made it so much worse, too, was that he had just got done yesterday afternoon telling me how much he loves me and wants me to be his forever, how I'm his only girl. I told him how I got jealous and he told me I had no reason to be. And he also said that he would call me no matter what.
Well, fuck me if some alcohol and a bitch is going to be what changes that "no matter what."
How could he have said all that to me and then gone out and do this? Gets all romantic then throws it all in my face. Why should I believe any of it?
... and he just called and asked me, "What, do you want to break up?"
And I'm scared of the answer to that question.
If I don't feel like he's totally mine, why bother to be his "girlfriend." I'm not his girlfriend. Not when he can go out and act like that.
I'm bitter. I'm never bitter.
I told Dave I'd call him back (he called when I was in the bath), but I don't know if I want to. A part of me wants to just let him know how it feels to wait for that call and not get it.
I feel like I just don't fucking care about anything. I've been in the worst mood all day, moody and extremely quiet. I feel like if I open my mouth I'm just going to scream, which will lead me then to cry. So, being quiet is best for me.
I can't wait until tomorrow where I can do something other than school. Maybe go down to my secret spot and go running. Go to the libary and study. Anything to be away from people.
I don't know why I shut down when I'm upset and/or angry. I like to keep it inside of me. Talking about it just frusterates me more and leads me to start thinking and analyzing more.
And, for the most part my friends don't know how to help me. Adam thinks the cure all is to just get rid of Dave and hook up with some hot guy (which actually doesn't sound so bad). Kristen listens but can't relate. She says she sorry, but doesn't offer me anything. Lisa would agree with Adam. So would Madison.
Kristen tried hard though, and I admire her for that! She's never said to me I should just forget Dave. She understands as best as she can.
But I don't even feel like telling anyone what's going on.
I wish I could just forget about the whole thing, but I can't. And Dave acts like it's no big thing.... but in my mind, it's huge!
I keep remembering that night when Dave got so angry and upset with me because I told him a little white lie about something Danny and I had done. I didn't see it as a big deal. But he sure did.
Well this is a huge deal to me. So big that I don't want to have anything to do with him right now.
He may have said he's sorry... but that didn't mean I forgave him. He hurt me, a lot! More than I think he knows. I don't think I've EVER been angry with him, ever!
And, what made it so much worse, too, was that he had just got done yesterday afternoon telling me how much he loves me and wants me to be his forever, how I'm his only girl. I told him how I got jealous and he told me I had no reason to be. And he also said that he would call me no matter what.
Well, fuck me if some alcohol and a bitch is going to be what changes that "no matter what."
How could he have said all that to me and then gone out and do this? Gets all romantic then throws it all in my face. Why should I believe any of it?
... and he just called and asked me, "What, do you want to break up?"
And I'm scared of the answer to that question.
If I don't feel like he's totally mine, why bother to be his "girlfriend." I'm not his girlfriend. Not when he can go out and act like that.