Gotta Have Faith
Okay, so I know I four days ago all I wanted to do was let him go, but now all I want to do is hold on. What the hell?? My emotions are so freakin fucked up. Why can I not control them!? Why can't I stop crying???
Ok, so he's bumping to Needles because he really can't hold here anymore, and because he'd be an idoit not to. The monetary benefits are really high and he could really get ahead. I think he should go. He needs to go.
But, I don't want him to.
I'm just plain sad. And, I suppose that is normal. Although he says I shouldn't be cause I'll probably be able to see him every couple weeks, and when he was in Arizona, it was 4 - 6 weeks at least.
He's been here since July, 7 months, and he has done an excellent job at spoiling the hell out of me. Letting my sleep next to him has to be the closest to Heaven I've ever been.
I truly want to marry him someday. I would love to marry him right now, today, but I know I shouldn't. I don't want to be without him, and I know I'm being selfish, but I can't help it!
I talked to Danielle about it all and her solution was to get drunk, smoke some weed and have a 3-some with her and dude she's been with, but... that's not me. It's not like with Danny where he broke my heart, which justified going wild. I think, for the most part, my wild days are behind me.
We've done the long distance thing before and I was fine, but then again at that point we had never lived close to one another. And then, we were still exclusive. And I think that is what is bothering me most. I'm very possessive over the man I love and cherish more than anyone or anything else in this world. I don't want any other woman, whether she means something or not, touching him, having him. I want him to be only mine in everyway possible.
So, so far I have here possessiveness and selfishness... I'm not doing so well on the positive scale.
But I have to accept the fact that he can't be only mine in every possible way. And I can't be to him, either.
I've been with people in the past who simply meant nothing... I know that it is quite possible to use someone for sex just to have an orgrasm, or to feel better, or to seek revenge, or because you're bored. I KNOW that and I UNDERSTAND it, too. It could mean absolutely NOTHING!
It's even possible on some drunken night I could meet a "mean-nothing" person, but I don't want Dave to!!! I want him all the myself!
Here I go being selfish again.
I was listening to one of our songs the other day, Joe Diffie's "In Another World", and it's this woman he's no longer with that he's dreaming of and wishing for. If Dave doesn't leave, how can I be that person?
Isn't the important thing that his heart is with me? More than anything I cannot stop believing in us. If I lose faith, I've lost love.
It's okay to cry, it's okay to be sad. It's okay to be a little hurt. But, it's not okay to lose faith.
I thought when Danny and I ended a part of me ended, too. But I couldn't have been more wrong. When I found Dave I realized that Danny showed me pain so I could truly treasure the joy. And I have never experienced more joy then what I find in Dave.
I keep saying, "What if." What if he falls in love with someone else? What if he decided he likes single life better, and when I'm ready to move out to LA to be with him, he tell me no? What if that happens to me?
But I can't do that!! I have to believe him 100% when he tells me he wants this to work out forever, too.
My goal is to stop with the "what ifs" and just go and be me. And let him go and be him.
Shit, he's been with a million women in the past... why does it matter if he's with another if he's with me in the end?
But in my head it matters.
This shouldn't be this complicated. I shouldn't be this emotional.
Dave and I are going to make it. I will never lose my faith in him.
Ok, so he's bumping to Needles because he really can't hold here anymore, and because he'd be an idoit not to. The monetary benefits are really high and he could really get ahead. I think he should go. He needs to go.
But, I don't want him to.
I'm just plain sad. And, I suppose that is normal. Although he says I shouldn't be cause I'll probably be able to see him every couple weeks, and when he was in Arizona, it was 4 - 6 weeks at least.
He's been here since July, 7 months, and he has done an excellent job at spoiling the hell out of me. Letting my sleep next to him has to be the closest to Heaven I've ever been.
I truly want to marry him someday. I would love to marry him right now, today, but I know I shouldn't. I don't want to be without him, and I know I'm being selfish, but I can't help it!
I talked to Danielle about it all and her solution was to get drunk, smoke some weed and have a 3-some with her and dude she's been with, but... that's not me. It's not like with Danny where he broke my heart, which justified going wild. I think, for the most part, my wild days are behind me.
We've done the long distance thing before and I was fine, but then again at that point we had never lived close to one another. And then, we were still exclusive. And I think that is what is bothering me most. I'm very possessive over the man I love and cherish more than anyone or anything else in this world. I don't want any other woman, whether she means something or not, touching him, having him. I want him to be only mine in everyway possible.
So, so far I have here possessiveness and selfishness... I'm not doing so well on the positive scale.
But I have to accept the fact that he can't be only mine in every possible way. And I can't be to him, either.
I've been with people in the past who simply meant nothing... I know that it is quite possible to use someone for sex just to have an orgrasm, or to feel better, or to seek revenge, or because you're bored. I KNOW that and I UNDERSTAND it, too. It could mean absolutely NOTHING!
It's even possible on some drunken night I could meet a "mean-nothing" person, but I don't want Dave to!!! I want him all the myself!
Here I go being selfish again.
I was listening to one of our songs the other day, Joe Diffie's "In Another World", and it's this woman he's no longer with that he's dreaming of and wishing for. If Dave doesn't leave, how can I be that person?
Isn't the important thing that his heart is with me? More than anything I cannot stop believing in us. If I lose faith, I've lost love.
It's okay to cry, it's okay to be sad. It's okay to be a little hurt. But, it's not okay to lose faith.
I thought when Danny and I ended a part of me ended, too. But I couldn't have been more wrong. When I found Dave I realized that Danny showed me pain so I could truly treasure the joy. And I have never experienced more joy then what I find in Dave.
I keep saying, "What if." What if he falls in love with someone else? What if he decided he likes single life better, and when I'm ready to move out to LA to be with him, he tell me no? What if that happens to me?
But I can't do that!! I have to believe him 100% when he tells me he wants this to work out forever, too.
My goal is to stop with the "what ifs" and just go and be me. And let him go and be him.
Shit, he's been with a million women in the past... why does it matter if he's with another if he's with me in the end?
But in my head it matters.
This shouldn't be this complicated. I shouldn't be this emotional.
Dave and I are going to make it. I will never lose my faith in him.