A Pretty Butterfly
My perception of reality doesn't usually intersect with everyone else's very well. I have a hard time knowing where my paranoia ends, and my justified worries start. I also have a hard time realizing when I'm missing important details I really really should be paying attention. I read things into situations that aren't there, I dismiss things as paranoia when I really shouldn't and I completely miss things I should have been paying better attention.
I also have a tendency to spend too much time worrying about things, and not enough time actually doing them. I worry about how hard it will be to find another job, so I never do any job hunting. I worry about how hard it'll be to learn to drive, and it took me multiple years to get my license where it usually takes most people in my generation only six months, and that's partially because they're obligated to take classes and have a waiting period.
I randomly become aware of these things for the oddest reason. I'm usually completely oblivious to these details, even though I can spout 'em back at people regularly enough that it's become standard for me to tell people I trust "just be painfully blunt with me, sometimes that's the only way I get a clue". However, when I become aware of these things I worry about stuff like how the people I care about see me. I find it hard to understand how anyone can be patient with me despite my failures at human interactions. I also constantly joke that it takes so much out of me working customer service, taking care of my customers, that I don't have any energy or effort left when it comes to dealing with the people who actually do matter.
Right now, I'm mad at myself because I haven't been able to go out and visit drwho4 at his house on my days off within the last few weeks. Between the way my work schedule has been jerked around, all the crap I had to do to my apartment on account of the jackasses with the unit above me being neglectful and destructive of their apartment and it leaking into mine, and my having the attention span of a gnat and being unable to buckle down and do a solid uninterrupted bout of work on anything, I just haven't been able to make it out there. I had been hoping he was going to come out tonight, I could have used the company, but the convention he volunteers for is coming up in about a month and a half, and the deadline for the scheduling crap he has to do is at the end of this month. So he elected to stay home and work on that stuff tonight, instead of coming out here a night early.
In tangently related news, I bought a copy of Watchmen yesterday, as I wanted to read it after enjoying the movie. I really liked Rorschach in the movie, but you get a little deeper into him when you read the graphic novel. Where most people just seem to take him as a curiosity, as bad ass and awesome to watch, or watch with morbid curiosity, I find myself identifying with him. Sure, I haven't been through the extremes he went though, I don't see myself as randomly stalking the streets and kicking ass in order to reach the greater good, but there is a part of me that wishes I could. There is a part of me that understands his logic, that agrees with his choices. All of them.