I really don't know if I can fix it.
There are lots of things I do that drive me crazy once I realize I've done them, but I never realize I'm doing them 'til I've long ago done them or someone tells me I have done them. If they're thing I don't actually realize I do, how am I supposed to fix it? About the only person in my life who just tells me what I've done is my mother, but she isn't around me enough to correct me all the time, and help me develop better habits.
When I'm made aware of the things I do, I stop wondering why everyone seems to hate me. There's only so much of this stuff a person can take before they just say "fuck it, go away." Also, there's only so much repair that someone can do to themselves if they're so oblivious to what they do. I honestly don't know how to make myself more aware of the things I do, I've got so much shit going on in my life already that I'm having a hard time even staying focused on the important things.
Hell, the only way I've managed to get myself more punctual getting to work was to buy something water resistant with an alarm clock, and set the alarm for when I should be getting out of the shower. And all that's done is bring me from being an average of 15 minutes late down to single digit of time late. I only just barely managed to hold onto that average this week, and if I'm more than 9 minutes late friday, it'll pop back up into the double digits again.
I hate my job so much, but I don't know of anything else I'd hate less that I'm actually qualified for, so I stick with the Radio Scrap because at least there I have some idea of what's going on, what with the five frellin' years of service I've wasted upon them. Meh.
I kinda would like to open my own business, a game shop even, but I'm not even sure I could keep myself focused and driven well enough to actually do a decent job with it. And given the way society is these days, and my luck, if I slacked even the slightest, I'd have some outside source with authority crack down on me, or I'd get a dishonest employee who'll rob me blind.
I think part of my problem is I'm too paranoid, but I have such a hard time motivating myself to try when I can think of a bajillion different ways I can fail. I never seem to fail so spectacularly as I expect, but lately it seems that I fail regularly where things used to just work out for me if I just made a little bit of effort.
Part of me keeps hoping that I'll get fired from my job and my dad would flip out and kill me. It would put me out of my misery, and it would keep those who actually care about me from hating me because my death wouldn't be directly my fault. I mean, who blaims the dead person, even if they did something to proke the killer, for their death? Only stupid mother fuckers which I'd rather shoot than interact with. meh.
And no matter what I do, I feel like a stupid little girl. The most trivial and unimportant things will either leave me twisted and mad or crying, and more trivial and unimportant things will leave me bouncy and happy, even if it's just for a short period of time. I'm seeing myself turning into one of those people who believes spending money and buying stupid shit is going to make you happy, but I'm still concious enough about it to realize I'm doing it and get mad at myself about it.
I also crave human contact so much it hurts. I never used to cry much at all, and now it's turning into a regular occurrance that I'll cry myself to sleep, or I'll start crying in front of the computer while talking to one of the few people who don't shun me, or don't make me feel unwelcome when I do IM them.
The IMing thing is starting to get frustrating. I thought I'd made a point to let people know that I wasn't going to let myself be the only one starting conversations... so I've taken to not IMing people who haven't IMed me recently, or at least didn't make me feel very welcome when I do IM them. That means I'm down to exactly three people I talk to regularly. I have 15 people on my contact list now, so three out of fifteen is a pretty poor ratio of talking to nontalking. There are a couple I specifically miss, but the most recent IMs with them have mostly made me feel unwelcome, so I'm trying to get myself to accept that maybe I'll just never talk to them again, especially given that they always seem to wait for me to IM them instead of the other way around.
Oh, and then I've got Gale mad at me right now because he keeps insisting that he wants to pay me back for the silly little case I bought him for his iPod video. I like doing things nice for my friends, and it hurts me when they insist I don't have to do these things, or when they try to insist on paying me back for it. If you want to pay me back for the kindness, don't hand me money, talk to me and make me feel like I'm not worthless. I'm getting so fed up with it that I'm almost ready to tell him to go ahead and pay me back, but he can go ahead and fuck off and die once he does. But I don't want to yell at and scare off one of the last people who actually keeps in contact with me regularly. He tries to pretend to be mean and such, but he's done some really nice things for me that tells me regardless of what appearance he puts forth, he actually is a nice guy. At least, he's a nice guy to those he hasn't decided are stupidmotherfuckers.
I would say I'd be happy to live in a hole for the rest of my life, but I know I'd miss some human contact. Most of humanity I could happily do without, but I do need a small handful of people who I actually care about and who care about me. Frankly, I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be anything but alone though, given how fucked up I am, and how utterly incapable I feel about being able to fix it. I feel isolated from everyone around me these days, because most people I brush off as idiots, and the few that I want to let close don't want a thing to do with me because of my excessive number of flaws. It hurts.