Narcissism, I hope you're not sick of it
At the beginning of this last semester, my mom breifly mentioned an article she read, that sounded much like my father. I didn't think too much of it at the time, however upon reading it, I instantly became enthralled. It was as if someone had written out and finalized many ideas and theories that had been going through my mind for some time. In fact, the article was so interesting, that I promptly bought the book, Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited. Bear in mind, this is the first book I have ever purchased or read (well most of) entirely on my own.
Beginning to read this book was unlike anything else, it opened up my entire world and mindset. I found countless faults in my personality and behaviors throughout these years that I could never really explain. I had insights into a very few other people's minds, but was extremely unable to understand or entertain for more than a certain degree many other people's minds. I felt I was just superior. Yet at the same time, I too was pointed out by a few observant people that I act different around many people. I even noticed this myself on numerous occassions. I had memories and emotions that would randomly flash back, great levels of shame flushing my body over situations that were so long ago and seemingly trivial to a degree sometimes that was so intense I would have to tell myself out loud "stop." I would look at those same events later, and hardly care why. I had a life that seemed to feel either meaningless or ecstatic. I had an over-inflated sense of self-value, while being oblivious to realizing how poor of a self-esteem I truly had (over-sensitivity to criticism). And while I felt all this and I'm sure more, I felt it was all entirely normal. I felt everyone feels this way. At least I did sometimes, humans aren't perfect right? At least if I don't really show this on the outside than nobody would ever know, who wants a downer anyway.
I'm sure people have felt this way before, I'm sure maybe for some of you reading this that even those situations aren't so far stretched for yourselves. The thing is though, after reading this book, and reflecting, thinking, pestering, and questioning many of the ideas in it, that I have extracted extremely valueable information, I'm am a narcissist.
While this information might not seem thrilling to you, the anonymously refered reader, it has grown into the back of my head, being processed after most thoughts and actions I make. While I'm getting better at not being overly narcississtic (because a stable amount of love for yourself is perfectly healthy), this way of thinking has ripped huge gaps in my life that I feel I've always been trying to cross and now finally understand that I need a bridge for them.
So what is narcissism Brian? What the hell are you really trying to say here. To be perfectly honest, there is no short and sweet version that will let you understand fully, but here is my taken on it:
Narcissism is a concious and subconcious life outlook. A Narcissist is a person who is constantly running from shame or negative emotions (pretty much emotions all together), rather than moving towards positive feelings. A Narcissist has the emotional core simliar to that of car with a dead/dying battery. It constantly needs to be fed by other people's views and opionions to keep on functioning. Unlike a normal person, a narcissist will only be able to rely on their own personal interpretation of how the world views them (or the image they create). Or else, they die emotionally, stop functioning, and cause the car owner (the narcissist) to seek help immediately. Once it finds help (someone willing to give it attention, or in this example a jumpstart) the narcissist grows dependent on that person for its energy and supply. This of course, is a great overburden, since the narcissist has an extremely large car engine and will almost always overstress the people attached to him with emotional incompetency and capricious behavior.
I'll stop there, without going much further in explanation, but trust me, there is much more. Just think for a second, how much just that is to take in, in one short condensed breath of a book, and realize it describes your life. It's taken me the entire time, and is still ongoing for much of the book to truly sink in for me. And most of all, try and correct some of my erroneous behavior. For example, the ego driven question asking must stop. You will always be able to spot a narcissist if they repeat things, often praising themselves. Like "did you see me (possibly us, but done not entirely genuinely) do whatever" or "it's it awesome I just did this." It's often repeated to no extent, or where past glories are rebrought up to the point they lose all their flame (like a small child repeating a funny joke over and over trying to get positive reactions). Yeah, I've tried to cut that self-aggrandizing kind of behavior. But I've always been trying to do shit like that, this book just helped me pin-point problems :-).
Wow my passion to keep writing this has just been shot to shit, fatigue overload. I'll give better examples of narcissistic traits in my next writeup, consider this a primer.
Beginning to read this book was unlike anything else, it opened up my entire world and mindset. I found countless faults in my personality and behaviors throughout these years that I could never really explain. I had insights into a very few other people's minds, but was extremely unable to understand or entertain for more than a certain degree many other people's minds. I felt I was just superior. Yet at the same time, I too was pointed out by a few observant people that I act different around many people. I even noticed this myself on numerous occassions. I had memories and emotions that would randomly flash back, great levels of shame flushing my body over situations that were so long ago and seemingly trivial to a degree sometimes that was so intense I would have to tell myself out loud "stop." I would look at those same events later, and hardly care why. I had a life that seemed to feel either meaningless or ecstatic. I had an over-inflated sense of self-value, while being oblivious to realizing how poor of a self-esteem I truly had (over-sensitivity to criticism). And while I felt all this and I'm sure more, I felt it was all entirely normal. I felt everyone feels this way. At least I did sometimes, humans aren't perfect right? At least if I don't really show this on the outside than nobody would ever know, who wants a downer anyway.
I'm sure people have felt this way before, I'm sure maybe for some of you reading this that even those situations aren't so far stretched for yourselves. The thing is though, after reading this book, and reflecting, thinking, pestering, and questioning many of the ideas in it, that I have extracted extremely valueable information, I'm am a narcissist.
While this information might not seem thrilling to you, the anonymously refered reader, it has grown into the back of my head, being processed after most thoughts and actions I make. While I'm getting better at not being overly narcississtic (because a stable amount of love for yourself is perfectly healthy), this way of thinking has ripped huge gaps in my life that I feel I've always been trying to cross and now finally understand that I need a bridge for them.
So what is narcissism Brian? What the hell are you really trying to say here. To be perfectly honest, there is no short and sweet version that will let you understand fully, but here is my taken on it:
Narcissism is a concious and subconcious life outlook. A Narcissist is a person who is constantly running from shame or negative emotions (pretty much emotions all together), rather than moving towards positive feelings. A Narcissist has the emotional core simliar to that of car with a dead/dying battery. It constantly needs to be fed by other people's views and opionions to keep on functioning. Unlike a normal person, a narcissist will only be able to rely on their own personal interpretation of how the world views them (or the image they create). Or else, they die emotionally, stop functioning, and cause the car owner (the narcissist) to seek help immediately. Once it finds help (someone willing to give it attention, or in this example a jumpstart) the narcissist grows dependent on that person for its energy and supply. This of course, is a great overburden, since the narcissist has an extremely large car engine and will almost always overstress the people attached to him with emotional incompetency and capricious behavior.
I'll stop there, without going much further in explanation, but trust me, there is much more. Just think for a second, how much just that is to take in, in one short condensed breath of a book, and realize it describes your life. It's taken me the entire time, and is still ongoing for much of the book to truly sink in for me. And most of all, try and correct some of my erroneous behavior. For example, the ego driven question asking must stop. You will always be able to spot a narcissist if they repeat things, often praising themselves. Like "did you see me (possibly us, but done not entirely genuinely) do whatever" or "it's it awesome I just did this." It's often repeated to no extent, or where past glories are rebrought up to the point they lose all their flame (like a small child repeating a funny joke over and over trying to get positive reactions). Yeah, I've tried to cut that self-aggrandizing kind of behavior. But I've always been trying to do shit like that, this book just helped me pin-point problems :-).
Wow my passion to keep writing this has just been shot to shit, fatigue overload. I'll give better examples of narcissistic traits in my next writeup, consider this a primer.