I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset, I hear it's nice in the summer
"Frightened meant that deep, sickening feeling of something terrible about to happen. It was not what he was feeling now. 'Frightened' was the wrong word to describe his feelings. It was too strong an adjective. He wasn't frightened, but he was eager, he decided. He was eager for it to come. And he was excited, certainly. But there was a little shudder of nervousness when he thought about it, about what might happen. 'Apprehensive', he decided, 'that's what I am.'"
Except I'm not sure that I'm apprehensive, so much as actually frightened (PS...double plus bonus for anyone who can tell me what book the above quote is from...it's my absolute favorite). Mom and I discussed this yesterday (or the day before...I can't ever remember because all the days blend together) and she has her own solution, which involves me never leaving the Central Valley, and sometimes doesn't sound half bad. Sometimes I think I can do it. I can move far far away (because I've heard nothing from only 'away' and am starting to feel it's less likely every day, but I have to not think about that one because it makes me cry) and be ok by myself. But other times, I know I can't and am pretty sure I don't want to because what would be so bad about teaching high school (besides the fact that I would have to live the rest of my life knowing I'd given up on my dreams without even trying) and I start hyperventilating and having mini-panic attacks. I'm such a baby. Plus I'm supposed to defend my thesis in a month and I don't want anyone to come because the thought of having to do that in front of my friends/peers makes me again start hyperventilating and having mini-panic attacks. Strangely enough, the thought of doing it in front of my professors isn't nearly as disturbing as doing it in front of my friends. It's still a little off-putting, but for some reason, not nearly as much. To think, I used to make bank doing public speaking in high school and even as an undergrad. I have serious problems.
This has not really been my week. Monday I get to work and I still have a purple, but now I also have a blue. What's blue? Apparently blue is geometry and I'm supposed to help him with...well...geometry. Ok. Turns out the only other qualified instructor is actually blue's math teacher at school and they both would prefer to not work together. I get it. So I'm working with blue, going over trig (seems to be a recurring theme for me...), studying for a test he's got later in the week. I thought we'd be ok since his paper had answers written all over, but we weren't because he got those from some "genius" in his class. Apparently blue isn't a genius. Blue actually isn't even capable of bringing a variable out of a denominator (basic BASIC algebra) and that's all well and good except now I'm supposed to be a miracle worker and get him through geometry because he can't play sports because he's failing math (etc...). Riiiiiiiiiiiight. The kid's mom thinks he needs to get through geometry, but the kid's instructor (me) thinks he needs to have some remedial algebra. Whatev...I just sit and get paid and do the best I can. So I work with him on Thursday, and he's scheduled to come in on Friday, but guess what? No show. Not surprising considering he and mom were having quite a "discussion" about him coming in on Friday. Looks like he won... I've also been working with a girl doing AP Chemistry. I hate chemistry. At least it's stuff I know.
I subbed for a first grade class in the afternoon on Thursday. We were reading a book about George Washington because they had a 4 day weekend coming up for President's Day, and we got to the part at the end where GW dies (now I hope I didn't ruin it for ya). The kids ask how he died and I tell them that he was old. The following dialogue ensued.
Student 1: I heard he had fake teeth.
Me: Well, yeah, but I don't think that's how he died.
Student 2: Do all the president's die?
Me: Eventually. Everyone dies.
Student 2: How?
Me: (not wanting to get into the politics of assassinations, etc) Usually because they get old.
Student 3: My mom died.
Me: O_O Uhh...I'm so sorry. That's terrible.
Student 4: How'd your mom die? Did someone kill her?
Student 3: Yeah, a man killed her.
Me: *thisisnothappeningthisisnothappening*
Student 5: My dad died a long time ago.
Student 6/7/8/9/10: My grandma/pa aunt/uncle dog died.
Me: *why me?*
Student 11: My grandma's old. She's going die!
Me: *sobs* Who wants to color?
Students: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Me: Crisis averted!
Needless to say, subbing is always an adventure for me. Who am I kidding? Teaching anything is an adventure for me as evidenced by the purple finger. I still possess. On Tuesday we were supposed to run 12 gels in each lab, for a total of about 25 gels (because I spill, the boxes leak, etc, etc) at around 30-40mLs each. This means I need a full liter of agarose for my labs, or a 500mL bottle per lab. We got the first lab set up and going, but we needed to get the second lab's stuff ready since I don't have a prep between labs. I go straight from 2-5 to 5-8 (which I HATE). First lab hadn't been going well in the first place, but whatever. I heated up the agarose, and was carrying it and the gel boxes into my lab. Of course I'm retarded and some how I ended up with gel boxes tapping a very hot (VERY HOT) glass jar, which of course ended up spilling its contents on my very ungloved right hand. It didn't really hurt at first and I managed to clean everything up by myself (with a little help from George who is one of my favorites)...and then it started to burn. Hardcore. So I went back into the little prep room and was running cool water over my hand (my poor four fingers) chanting to myself "Don't cry, don't cry, please don't cry", not from pain, but mainly from embarrassment and frustration. You know how that goes. I didn't cry. I managed to get my second lab set up. And I taught with my hand in a bucket for 2 hours. Everytime I would pull my hand out, it would burn so bad. My students felt bad for me, but also were cracking me up telling me I'd have some weird mutant hand next week (because the agarose has EtBr in it, and you know anything that glows under a UV light is no good). Later Danielle and I took my skirt into the dark room and shined the UV light on it and it was glowy. Then came my hand. Which was also glowy. hahaha She finally convinced me to get in the car with her and go to Walgreens (the promise of Taco Bell and the fact that my hand was so swollen it even made Donna go o_O were also convincing) to get some pain relief. I made it all the way to the register from the car without my water bucket until some extreme pain worked its way up my arm and I made Danielle spray my hand while I was paying. The girl at Walgreens was a little grossed out. No worries, hon, so was I. Wednesday my fingers hurt if I would touch them or bend them, Thursday, the pain was pretty much gone, except when I had my fingers bent around the steering wheel for that long. I can now take a hot shower/bath pain free, but I have some cool purpling of my pointer and middle fingers. lol I think it helped that I literally slept with my hand in a bucket of water for 5 hours or so on Tuesday night. It was the only way I could sleep. The lidocaine didn't help, aloe didn't help, a cold compress didn't help, so the only solution I could come up with at 12:30 was bringing the bucket in bed with me and leaving my hand in it. How does this random stuff always happen to me?
I was going to go in to lab early today to set up a few plates and do a miniprep, but I didn't feel like it, so I'm going to go later...after I watch a few episodes of Friends. And maybe make cookies. And do some laundry. And some cleaning. I really do have to go and I hope I'll make it before it gets dark out, but I'm so lazy...
Except I'm not sure that I'm apprehensive, so much as actually frightened (PS...double plus bonus for anyone who can tell me what book the above quote is from...it's my absolute favorite). Mom and I discussed this yesterday (or the day before...I can't ever remember because all the days blend together) and she has her own solution, which involves me never leaving the Central Valley, and sometimes doesn't sound half bad. Sometimes I think I can do it. I can move far far away (because I've heard nothing from only 'away' and am starting to feel it's less likely every day, but I have to not think about that one because it makes me cry) and be ok by myself. But other times, I know I can't and am pretty sure I don't want to because what would be so bad about teaching high school (besides the fact that I would have to live the rest of my life knowing I'd given up on my dreams without even trying) and I start hyperventilating and having mini-panic attacks. I'm such a baby. Plus I'm supposed to defend my thesis in a month and I don't want anyone to come because the thought of having to do that in front of my friends/peers makes me again start hyperventilating and having mini-panic attacks. Strangely enough, the thought of doing it in front of my professors isn't nearly as disturbing as doing it in front of my friends. It's still a little off-putting, but for some reason, not nearly as much. To think, I used to make bank doing public speaking in high school and even as an undergrad. I have serious problems.
This has not really been my week. Monday I get to work and I still have a purple, but now I also have a blue. What's blue? Apparently blue is geometry and I'm supposed to help him with...well...geometry. Ok. Turns out the only other qualified instructor is actually blue's math teacher at school and they both would prefer to not work together. I get it. So I'm working with blue, going over trig (seems to be a recurring theme for me...), studying for a test he's got later in the week. I thought we'd be ok since his paper had answers written all over, but we weren't because he got those from some "genius" in his class. Apparently blue isn't a genius. Blue actually isn't even capable of bringing a variable out of a denominator (basic BASIC algebra) and that's all well and good except now I'm supposed to be a miracle worker and get him through geometry because he can't play sports because he's failing math (etc...). Riiiiiiiiiiiight. The kid's mom thinks he needs to get through geometry, but the kid's instructor (me) thinks he needs to have some remedial algebra. Whatev...I just sit and get paid and do the best I can. So I work with him on Thursday, and he's scheduled to come in on Friday, but guess what? No show. Not surprising considering he and mom were having quite a "discussion" about him coming in on Friday. Looks like he won... I've also been working with a girl doing AP Chemistry. I hate chemistry. At least it's stuff I know.
I subbed for a first grade class in the afternoon on Thursday. We were reading a book about George Washington because they had a 4 day weekend coming up for President's Day, and we got to the part at the end where GW dies (now I hope I didn't ruin it for ya). The kids ask how he died and I tell them that he was old. The following dialogue ensued.
Student 1: I heard he had fake teeth.
Me: Well, yeah, but I don't think that's how he died.
Student 2: Do all the president's die?
Me: Eventually. Everyone dies.
Student 2: How?
Me: (not wanting to get into the politics of assassinations, etc) Usually because they get old.
Student 3: My mom died.
Me: O_O Uhh...I'm so sorry. That's terrible.
Student 4: How'd your mom die? Did someone kill her?
Student 3: Yeah, a man killed her.
Me: *thisisnothappeningthisisnothappening*
Student 5: My dad died a long time ago.
Student 6/7/8/9/10: My grandma/pa aunt/uncle dog died.
Me: *why me?*
Student 11: My grandma's old. She's going die!
Me: *sobs* Who wants to color?
Students: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Me: Crisis averted!
Needless to say, subbing is always an adventure for me. Who am I kidding? Teaching anything is an adventure for me as evidenced by the purple finger. I still possess. On Tuesday we were supposed to run 12 gels in each lab, for a total of about 25 gels (because I spill, the boxes leak, etc, etc) at around 30-40mLs each. This means I need a full liter of agarose for my labs, or a 500mL bottle per lab. We got the first lab set up and going, but we needed to get the second lab's stuff ready since I don't have a prep between labs. I go straight from 2-5 to 5-8 (which I HATE). First lab hadn't been going well in the first place, but whatever. I heated up the agarose, and was carrying it and the gel boxes into my lab. Of course I'm retarded and some how I ended up with gel boxes tapping a very hot (VERY HOT) glass jar, which of course ended up spilling its contents on my very ungloved right hand. It didn't really hurt at first and I managed to clean everything up by myself (with a little help from George who is one of my favorites)...and then it started to burn. Hardcore. So I went back into the little prep room and was running cool water over my hand (my poor four fingers) chanting to myself "Don't cry, don't cry, please don't cry", not from pain, but mainly from embarrassment and frustration. You know how that goes. I didn't cry. I managed to get my second lab set up. And I taught with my hand in a bucket for 2 hours. Everytime I would pull my hand out, it would burn so bad. My students felt bad for me, but also were cracking me up telling me I'd have some weird mutant hand next week (because the agarose has EtBr in it, and you know anything that glows under a UV light is no good). Later Danielle and I took my skirt into the dark room and shined the UV light on it and it was glowy. Then came my hand. Which was also glowy. hahaha She finally convinced me to get in the car with her and go to Walgreens (the promise of Taco Bell and the fact that my hand was so swollen it even made Donna go o_O were also convincing) to get some pain relief. I made it all the way to the register from the car without my water bucket until some extreme pain worked its way up my arm and I made Danielle spray my hand while I was paying. The girl at Walgreens was a little grossed out. No worries, hon, so was I. Wednesday my fingers hurt if I would touch them or bend them, Thursday, the pain was pretty much gone, except when I had my fingers bent around the steering wheel for that long. I can now take a hot shower/bath pain free, but I have some cool purpling of my pointer and middle fingers. lol I think it helped that I literally slept with my hand in a bucket of water for 5 hours or so on Tuesday night. It was the only way I could sleep. The lidocaine didn't help, aloe didn't help, a cold compress didn't help, so the only solution I could come up with at 12:30 was bringing the bucket in bed with me and leaving my hand in it. How does this random stuff always happen to me?
I was going to go in to lab early today to set up a few plates and do a miniprep, but I didn't feel like it, so I'm going to go later...after I watch a few episodes of Friends. And maybe make cookies. And do some laundry. And some cleaning. I really do have to go and I hope I'll make it before it gets dark out, but I'm so lazy...