bitching.
Things have been going relatively smoothly recently- I feel better physically, am able to do yoga regularly, am meeting up with a group of women from my yoga teacher training to study for the exam, i've finally got a midwife sorted and i have my first actual appointment with her in a few weeks time, I am eating really well most of the time, etc.
But on the other hand, I am overwhelmed by all sorts of things, none of which have an immediate solution and all of which are big. For example:
1. Both my and my husband´s national identity cards have expired. I can't get mine renewed until he has his new one and the first appointment he can get is in May. Which means my appointment won't be until August, the month I am due to give birth. I will not be making an epic journey into the city with a newborn baby to do that, nor will I do it knowing that I may be going into labor at any time. That means, however, that for the moment I am currently illegal (once again) and if I do end up having to transfer to the hospital during the birth process I will sort of be fucked. Also, due to illegal status, we can't actually leave the country at all until it is sorted, which will probably be mid-October at the soonest. We really wanted to be able to visit his parents, see his sisters newish baby for the first time, and just be there for the last time before we ourselves are parents.
2. Husband had planned on getting his drivers licence (finally!) and buying a piece of crap car so that this summer I can go to the mountains more easily and actually be able to go swim in the river and collect spring water. That is honestly all I want a car for. Also, so that once the baby is born, things might be a little easier and accessible for us. Due to above situation, that isn't going to happen.
3. Once again,the crippling loneliness. I'm not even going to expound on that one. It just is.
4. Due to this loneliness, and lack of transport options, I feel just so fucking trapped. I really want to get the fuck out of here and move somewhere else. But where? I'm not moving back to England. As much as I do really love it there, the truth is that I know even less people that I do here and subsequently would be even more isolated than I am here. We would have to stay with Dan't parents at least at first and I can't see how that would be a good situation for us as a brand new family to be confined in Dan's tiny childhood bedroom, having to go downstairs to use the toilet because the only other one upstairs is in the sisters room and although she doesn't live there we still cant use it because it is *hers*. Not a good dynamic.
Other option is moving back to the States, which I want to do with all of my heart. But I am so scared. I know that Louisiana, as much as I love it and as many people as are there that care about me, is not healthy for me. And if not there, then where? Another state where I don't know anyone either, starting over yet again? And from the shit I have been seeing/reading/hearing recently, America seems to be going fucking crazy and turning into a police state. Which may or may not be the case in reality, but especially for Dan, that is a concern. Also, he doesn't have a green card. So we have to do the whole rigamarole of applying and paying and waiting indefinitely.
I just want things to be easier for once. I just wish I knew what to do.
I made way too much raw cake the other night because I was experimenting and don't have anyone to eat it. :P
But on the other hand, I am overwhelmed by all sorts of things, none of which have an immediate solution and all of which are big. For example:
1. Both my and my husband´s national identity cards have expired. I can't get mine renewed until he has his new one and the first appointment he can get is in May. Which means my appointment won't be until August, the month I am due to give birth. I will not be making an epic journey into the city with a newborn baby to do that, nor will I do it knowing that I may be going into labor at any time. That means, however, that for the moment I am currently illegal (once again) and if I do end up having to transfer to the hospital during the birth process I will sort of be fucked. Also, due to illegal status, we can't actually leave the country at all until it is sorted, which will probably be mid-October at the soonest. We really wanted to be able to visit his parents, see his sisters newish baby for the first time, and just be there for the last time before we ourselves are parents.
2. Husband had planned on getting his drivers licence (finally!) and buying a piece of crap car so that this summer I can go to the mountains more easily and actually be able to go swim in the river and collect spring water. That is honestly all I want a car for. Also, so that once the baby is born, things might be a little easier and accessible for us. Due to above situation, that isn't going to happen.
3. Once again,the crippling loneliness. I'm not even going to expound on that one. It just is.
4. Due to this loneliness, and lack of transport options, I feel just so fucking trapped. I really want to get the fuck out of here and move somewhere else. But where? I'm not moving back to England. As much as I do really love it there, the truth is that I know even less people that I do here and subsequently would be even more isolated than I am here. We would have to stay with Dan't parents at least at first and I can't see how that would be a good situation for us as a brand new family to be confined in Dan's tiny childhood bedroom, having to go downstairs to use the toilet because the only other one upstairs is in the sisters room and although she doesn't live there we still cant use it because it is *hers*. Not a good dynamic.
Other option is moving back to the States, which I want to do with all of my heart. But I am so scared. I know that Louisiana, as much as I love it and as many people as are there that care about me, is not healthy for me. And if not there, then where? Another state where I don't know anyone either, starting over yet again? And from the shit I have been seeing/reading/hearing recently, America seems to be going fucking crazy and turning into a police state. Which may or may not be the case in reality, but especially for Dan, that is a concern. Also, he doesn't have a green card. So we have to do the whole rigamarole of applying and paying and waiting indefinitely.
I just want things to be easier for once. I just wish I knew what to do.
I made way too much raw cake the other night because I was experimenting and don't have anyone to eat it. :P