(no subject)
Here I am, wide awake in the middle of the night, completely unable to sleep, after everything I thought I might finally have found seems to have been ripped away from me. I was so happy a few days ago. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world to have found someone who was so awesome and so...right. This past two weeks being with him have been the most intense and happy time I have ever had in any relationship. The feeling that this was so right was overwhelming and even better it was two sided, not just me, not just him, but both of us. I don't really believe in soul mates, but if I did, I would have sworn that he was mine. But oh no, the Universe cannot seem to let me just find this happiness and keep it. The Universe for some reason, has to completely screw me over.
His ex came back on the scene. They were together for three and a half years and broke up two years ago. He said she told him that either he got engaged to her or it was over and he didn't agree with that so he ended it. He told me, only on Saturday actually, that in hindsight he wasn't sure how the relationship had gone on so long as there were problems there. She was due to move to Scotland in a matter of weeks. But she went to see him on Monday and told him that she wasn't going, that she wanted him back - he said that she seemed different, that what she said was big, that it made him feel like he should give it one last chance. He says he doesn't know what to do, that if this had been a normal 2 week thing it would be easy but that it wasn't, that there was something amazing here between us with incredible potential. But he also said that at the same time he feels like if he doesn't go back and try again he'll always wonder and that he feels like he needs to see whether it really is over or whether it could work. We talked, for ages and he said that talking to me just made it harder to decide. So he's gone to make a choice. But my heart tells me that he won't be able to resist trying again with her.
All of this is shaken me alot. It's not just the fact that I am about to lose the most amazing guy I have ever met, and a relationship that I feel quite certain may well have been my last if this had not happened, it's the thought that I can find this and then have it taken away. It's the cruelty of the situation, and the way that it takes away my hope and optimism about love. I've put so much time and energy into believing in the Universe and believing in this very thing, that it seems like I am being punished for something. I'm a good person who tries hard in life to do the right things. This girl, she had her chance and now she's come back and she's about to take away everything I want. And if this, with him, isn't right, then I don't know how anything else can be because nothing else has even come close. To give me this and then take it away again...I can't even put into words how that feels.
So I am waiting for the phone call that tells me that he's going back, and that tells me that all my hopes are gone.
His ex came back on the scene. They were together for three and a half years and broke up two years ago. He said she told him that either he got engaged to her or it was over and he didn't agree with that so he ended it. He told me, only on Saturday actually, that in hindsight he wasn't sure how the relationship had gone on so long as there were problems there. She was due to move to Scotland in a matter of weeks. But she went to see him on Monday and told him that she wasn't going, that she wanted him back - he said that she seemed different, that what she said was big, that it made him feel like he should give it one last chance. He says he doesn't know what to do, that if this had been a normal 2 week thing it would be easy but that it wasn't, that there was something amazing here between us with incredible potential. But he also said that at the same time he feels like if he doesn't go back and try again he'll always wonder and that he feels like he needs to see whether it really is over or whether it could work. We talked, for ages and he said that talking to me just made it harder to decide. So he's gone to make a choice. But my heart tells me that he won't be able to resist trying again with her.
All of this is shaken me alot. It's not just the fact that I am about to lose the most amazing guy I have ever met, and a relationship that I feel quite certain may well have been my last if this had not happened, it's the thought that I can find this and then have it taken away. It's the cruelty of the situation, and the way that it takes away my hope and optimism about love. I've put so much time and energy into believing in the Universe and believing in this very thing, that it seems like I am being punished for something. I'm a good person who tries hard in life to do the right things. This girl, she had her chance and now she's come back and she's about to take away everything I want. And if this, with him, isn't right, then I don't know how anything else can be because nothing else has even come close. To give me this and then take it away again...I can't even put into words how that feels.
So I am waiting for the phone call that tells me that he's going back, and that tells me that all my hopes are gone.