Is this still working?
I've had this journal for over 10 years. wow.
aside from my car, this is the only thing (outside family-or gene related thing) that stays with me for so long.
I'm pretty sure i'm depressed.
I can't help feeling worthless and hating my self, for having that kind of feeling. I can't help crying, out of pity, for myself. Yes, i pity myself. For being so stupid, so ungrateful, so helpless and on top of that, so depressed. One day i cried out of the blue when i was out with mom. She was clueless (as always) and clearly confused. I refused to talk to her, i didn't want that pep-talk, i just wanted to be alone. So she started to text me some wise words-full with i love yous and i'm again, blamed myself for being so childish, for having depression.
My mom is a simple woman. She lives in world where everyone lives happily ever after. I really doubt that she understand the word depression-figuratively, of course, she is a smart woman, and a professor-she knew what depression means, but she didn't KNOW what depression is. So, i don't think she could understand how i feel right now and i'm pretty sure i just waste my time trying to talk to her. And my dad, just being my dad. He's worried, maybe, i dont know. And that's the problem i don't really know what he thinks.
I'm alone. as always.
This thing suffocates me sometime, and lately it getting worse. The image of ending my life is getting so vivid it terrifies me. I don't want to end my life, i don't want to go to hell for that. And on top of that, i don't want to be any burden to my family. I'm scared, of life. I don't know how can i go on. And i don't have anyone to talk to. I can't appeared to be weak, I have to be strong, or i'll lose my friends because no one likes to hear someone whines all the time.
I think i need help, a medical help.
But the psychiatrist probably will tell the dean about this. And i will be called, and talked down. I'm afraid i might be seen as incompetent doctor, and it will jeopardize my whole carrier, the only thing left of my self-worth.
Crying is not helping anymore right now.
aside from my car, this is the only thing (outside family-or gene related thing) that stays with me for so long.
I'm pretty sure i'm depressed.
I can't help feeling worthless and hating my self, for having that kind of feeling. I can't help crying, out of pity, for myself. Yes, i pity myself. For being so stupid, so ungrateful, so helpless and on top of that, so depressed. One day i cried out of the blue when i was out with mom. She was clueless (as always) and clearly confused. I refused to talk to her, i didn't want that pep-talk, i just wanted to be alone. So she started to text me some wise words-full with i love yous and i'm again, blamed myself for being so childish, for having depression.
My mom is a simple woman. She lives in world where everyone lives happily ever after. I really doubt that she understand the word depression-figuratively, of course, she is a smart woman, and a professor-she knew what depression means, but she didn't KNOW what depression is. So, i don't think she could understand how i feel right now and i'm pretty sure i just waste my time trying to talk to her. And my dad, just being my dad. He's worried, maybe, i dont know. And that's the problem i don't really know what he thinks.
I'm alone. as always.
This thing suffocates me sometime, and lately it getting worse. The image of ending my life is getting so vivid it terrifies me. I don't want to end my life, i don't want to go to hell for that. And on top of that, i don't want to be any burden to my family. I'm scared, of life. I don't know how can i go on. And i don't have anyone to talk to. I can't appeared to be weak, I have to be strong, or i'll lose my friends because no one likes to hear someone whines all the time.
I think i need help, a medical help.
But the psychiatrist probably will tell the dean about this. And i will be called, and talked down. I'm afraid i might be seen as incompetent doctor, and it will jeopardize my whole carrier, the only thing left of my self-worth.
Crying is not helping anymore right now.