Reconstruction - Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty
It had been a week since Luke’s funeral and Reid was functioning. He was going to work, eating when he was hungry, and spending time with Katie. But he got nearly no joy out of any of it. He was at loose ends. He was so close to leaving town. Pulling up stakes and making a new place for himself somewhere else. It was the wing that was keeping him here. Luke’s dream was to build this wing and Reid was going to see that through. After that, he didn’t know. He was looking into the fridge when he heard someone knocking on the door. Reid sighed and went to answer; praying that it wasn’t someone annoying.
He opened the door and saw Gretchen standing in the hallway. She looked as broken as he felt. He wanted to blame her, as if she made all of this happen, but deep down he knew that wasn’t true. He knew that all of this was really his fault.
“Can I come in?”
They had been sitting on the couch for about ten minutes before Reid said something.
“I didn’t think it would be this hard, you know? Saying goodbye to him. I don’t know what to do with myself. This was why I never got attached to anyone. It hurts when they’re gone.”
“Do you wish that you never knew Luke?” Gretchen wondered.
“Sometimes. When I wake up and I have to remind myself that he’s gone.”
“And I hate to say it, but you have another choice to make. You can go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow and remember your life with Luke. Or not.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you will forget all your memories of your life with Luke. Your first kiss. The first time he told you he loved you. Your wedding. All of it. I’ll give you until midnight to decide.”
“I knew that I could give him up. So he could be happy, happier without me. But I never thought that I would never see him again. Now that he’s gone…I…this is worse. This pain. To never have the memories of him. So then he would become just another accident victim that I couldn’t save. But to have the memories of what we had and not have him here. I don’t know what to do?”
“It’s your choice. Your decision. Take your time. I’ll be back at midnight to find out what you choose,” and with that she was gone.
And Reid was left all alone.
~~~~~~~~~~
Could he really live the rest of his life without the memories of his life with Luke? Well, he had three hours and 23 minutes to decide.
Gretchen stood outside Katie’s apartment. She dreaded knocking, but it was 10 minutes to midnight and she had a job to do. She rapped lightly on the door and waited for Reid to answer.
Reid knew it was Gretchen when he heard the knocking on his door just before midnight. He didn’t want to answer, but he knew that he really had no choice. He got up from the couch and answered the door.
“Hi.” She said sheepishly.
“Hey.” Reid stepped aside and let her inside.
“Did you decide what you wanted to do?”
“Yeah. I want to forget.”
“Really?” She asked in almost shock.
“Yes! I cannot go on like this. I can barely make it through the day. It hurts to breathe.” Reid’s voice cracked and he swallowed the lump in his throat. Some days Gretchen really hated her job. She hated that she had to do these things.
“Are you sure about this? After this you will not remember anything about your life with Luke. There is no going back from this choice.”
“Do I really need to repeat myself?”
“Ok. Sit down. And close your eyes.” She gestured to the couch and Reid flopped down. He wanted this to be over with. Gretchen sat down and turned to face Reid. She slipped her hands into his and squeezed them tightly. He felt a “warmth” developing in his hands. He thought that he was imagining it. He tried to put it out of his mind, but it started to grow warmer the longer they held hands. Then he saw it. All of his memories of Luke. Their first kiss, the first time he held Luke in his arms, their first time. All the times they spent at the pond. Meals they shared. Everything that made Luke Luke, would be gone. Luke would just be another patient that he lost, one that he didn’t save. Could he really do this?
Reid was never sentimental. He never saved anything that he didn’t or wouldn’t need on an everyday basis. But now he wished he had anything. Anything that would remind him of Luke. A picture of their time together, one of those notes that Luke liked to leave him, a phone message, hell, even a ticket stub to a movie that they went to. He wished for anything. In his school and work careers he was grateful for his photographic memory, but now he was even more grateful. He would forever have Luke telling him that he loved him. He would forever remember their wedding day. There were times he would sit quietly and replay his times with Luke. It was at times like that where he hated that he even toyed with the idea of giving those up. He would die without them.
“Wait. I can’t do this.” His voice was so quiet.
“Really? Oh thank God! I really didn’t want to do it,” Gretchen says with a laugh and a relieved sigh. “I was hoping that you would say that.” She said with a relieved sigh and Reid laughed in return. “Are you going to be ok?”
“I think so.”
Gretchen left a little while later and Reid slipped under his covers, hoping that Luke would star in his dreams that night.
~~~~~~~~~~
The next day Reid made a stop at the bookstore just down the block from Java. He scanned the entire stationary section until he found what he wanted. A camel brown leather journal. The cover was soft and the book was about three inches thick. He had some writing to do. That night was the first in a long line that he wrote about Luke. He started chronicling all of his memories of Luke. Sometimes they were full stories while others were things he remembered him saying.
The next two weeks continued like this.
Katie came home after spending a few hours with Chris and saw the apartment was empty; or so she thought. Reid’s coat was laying across the couch, his shoes were sticking out from the under the couch and there were a few empty beer bottles on the kitchen counter next to an Al’s take-out bag. He did the same things every day for the past few weeks; go to work, come home, drink a little, and disappear into his room.
“Come out here!” She yelled from the hallway, trying to get through to her best friend. She had to get him to talk to her. They hadn’t really spoken the last few weeks. He was at work until late at night and out of the house before she got up in the morning; if he came home at all. She was extremely worried for her friend. She had managed to get food delivered to his office at regular intervals and the only way she knew he ate at home was when he left notes for her to refill the lunchmeats. If he would just talk to her, she knew that she would be able to get him to finally tell her what was wrong. She thought maybe it was a lost patient or he was worried about being Chief of Staff, but the longer it went; the closer she came to the truth. Reid was grieving. She knew what grief looked like. She went through all of this when Brad died. She could see it rolling off him.
“Katie, leave me alone!” Reid yelled back, but there was a lot less emotion in his voice than normal. At least he was answering her.
“I will not! Reid! I will not stop until you talk to me!” Katie yelled through the bedroom door. She then began to knock on the door non-stop. Reid let an exhausted sigh. He knew it was only a matter of time before Katie made him talk. Reid unlocked the door and slowly opened the door. He saw a worried look grace the face of her best friend. She reached out and took his hand; pulling him towards the couch. She sat down facing him and pulled him down with her.
“Please talk to me. You are working yourself into exhaustion. I’ve barely seen you since…Luke’s funeral.” It still hurt her to say the words out loud. “I want to help you.”
“I wish you could.” His voice was so grave and ghost-like.
“Reid. I am so worried about you. I am not sure what happened, but I want to help you. You are my best friend. I can tell you’re grieving. Was it a patient?”
“Not really.” She begun to run her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. He was relaxing into the couch as she tried to soothe him.
“What is it then?” She asked again and Reid turned to her. The lost look in his eyes scared her. She had never seen him like this.
“Luke.” The name came out of his mouth on a faint whisper. He hadn’t said his name since he said goodbye to him in the morgue.
“This is all about Luke?” She asked and all he could do was nod. His hands were clasped in his lap and Reid could not look away from them.
“I didn’t think you and Luke were friends. I thought you barely knew him.”
“You don’t get it Katie. I loved Luke.”
“You what? I never would have….”
“No one would. I was very careful this time.”
“This time?”
“Nevermind.” Katie looked at her friend and saw fresh tears fall down his cheeks. Her voice was gone, she didn’t know what to say. She simply wrapped her arm around her friend’s shoulder and pulled him into a hug. He didn’t fight it. Under normal circumstances, he would have, but not today, not this time. He buried his face into her neck and let the tears come. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to cry yet. The last time he let his emotions come was when he said goodbye to Luke in the hospital morgue.
After about thirty minutes, he pulled away and wiped away the stray tears from his face. Katie had to wipe away a few of her own. He sat back, let out slow breaths, and got real quiet for a few minutes; Katie almost said something when he started to talk.
“You know, being a scientist, I never believed in God. I always thought it was just something that people believed it to make themselves feel better. That it was easier to live their lives if they believed that there was something behind it all. That there was a meaning behind it all. I never believed in any of that. I just couldn’t. But I met this amazing man and he changed me and then he died. I mean, what was even the point? What was the point of it? And I don’t know if I can live with the idea that everything that Luke was is just gone. That he is just gone.” Tears were dancing at the edges of Katie’s eyes.
“Not that I’m a big believer in God either, but it helps me wake up every day knowing that somewhere Brad is waiting for me. That someday I’ll get to see him again. If I didn’t…I’d never be able to get out bed. What you’re feeling is normal. It took me a while to be able to look at the sun rising as a good thing. And I promise you, it will get better, but until it does, feel what you feel. Denying what you’re feeling will only make things worse.”
Katie felt so bad for her friend and hoped that her words would help him in some way. Knowing Reid, he wouldn’t be opening up to her anytime soon.
Chapter Twenty-One