what do you do when forever isnt long enough
its this sickening feeling in my stomach, this bottomless ache...i feel like the last few years of my life have been a lie..ive realized that some people that i cared for utterly and loved like family betrayed me. It wasnt all at once but just slowly things just piled up and it hurts and it stings and it makes me sick... I need a big change in my life...i need to get healthy in more ways than one...my mind is clouded and my body is headed down shits creek...i feel disgusting, gross and fat...i dont give a shit if people say oh your so tiny...im not what i used to be and i need to get in shape b4 i go crazy. I just wont to just stop eating...but i cant do that cuz then i just get sick and feel even worse than i feel now...its like everyday i slide a little further down and its just that much harder to pick myself back up...yah so i told everyone i got that raise...big mistake because it still hasnt shown up on my paycheck...and now i look like a fool b/c i knew this would happen to me...nothing good ever happens to me, i never get promoted...im constantly attacked by my mother and i dont even do anything to provoke her...today i got yelled at b/c even though my brother didnt say it to her she can tell the reason he doesnt want to go away with us is b/c i pick on him in front of other people...and if i pick on him during our vacation shell kill me...i just wish i could completely independent...have my own car and be able to totally afford it on my own...but i cant...i did terrible on the exam i just took which is just makin me feel so much better about all of this. this heat isnt helping either it just makes everything that much worse. My mother said to me today...your brother has known his whole life he isnt the son his father wanted...how do you think that makes him feel...i wanted to turn to her and say how do you think it makes me feel that you try and make up for it by making me feel completely inadequate...