Fit Right In or Odd Man Out?
Nice weekend... great times with parties, people and editing. Oh, and I put up my Christmas tree after I got home from work today! It looks cute, though slightly homely, haha.
I don't like to recap what's going on in my life very much. At least, not anymore. Nobody cares what I did last Friday night, really, lol. For the record, I did nothing last Friday! But anyway, instead of telling you what's new, I typically use this journal to express thoughts and feelings, so here goes...
I was around a lot of people this weekend, which is not necessarily unlike any other weekend for me. I love people. It's just so funny how confident I feel around some, and how sheepish and uncool I feel around others. I always wonder why that is. Is it that some people see me differently than others, and thus react to me differently? Of course, that's part of it. But more than that, I think I really feel a self-imposed cast system wherever I go... hmm, maybe that's not the right way to say it... let me try to be clearer....
If someone makes a lot more money than me, or is more successful than me, I don't feel really worthy or their time. If someone is a screw-up and always in trouble or lacks a certain life-sense, I typically don't want to be around them. When someone is on my level and is at the same point in life as me, that's generally the only time I really feel comfortable and confident. It's hard for me to think that very accomplished people would want anything to do with me. Even if they do, even if they're very kind and inviting, I still feel like they don't really want me there. You know that person you used to know that you didn't really care for, but you invited anyway because A) it was one more person in your group and B) you were just trying to be nice. Sometimes that's how I feel. Sometimes I feel like certain people don't invite me along because they care, but because they pitty. Don't worry, I'm not talking about anyone who's reading this.... I know you all hate me already, lol, JK. Seriously though, I have a pretty good sense of when people really want me around, and when they have me around just to be another body. I think we've all been on both sides. I just hate feeling that way. I guess when I'm at a big party, I think everyone is laughing at me behind my back, or talking about what I loser I am the next day. I know I know, it's probably mostly in my head. But it's not all. Come on, we all know how people act when they are trying to be nice but they don't REALLY want us around. Right?
Anyway, not gonna go into that any further. Just something on my mind. Not feeling bad about it, just an observation. I NEVER want to be a social burden. I like to know when people really want me there and when they don't... and if they don't, I will stay home and keep my dignity. LOL.
OK, strange entry, I know. Love you guys, seeyas.
I don't like to recap what's going on in my life very much. At least, not anymore. Nobody cares what I did last Friday night, really, lol. For the record, I did nothing last Friday! But anyway, instead of telling you what's new, I typically use this journal to express thoughts and feelings, so here goes...
I was around a lot of people this weekend, which is not necessarily unlike any other weekend for me. I love people. It's just so funny how confident I feel around some, and how sheepish and uncool I feel around others. I always wonder why that is. Is it that some people see me differently than others, and thus react to me differently? Of course, that's part of it. But more than that, I think I really feel a self-imposed cast system wherever I go... hmm, maybe that's not the right way to say it... let me try to be clearer....
If someone makes a lot more money than me, or is more successful than me, I don't feel really worthy or their time. If someone is a screw-up and always in trouble or lacks a certain life-sense, I typically don't want to be around them. When someone is on my level and is at the same point in life as me, that's generally the only time I really feel comfortable and confident. It's hard for me to think that very accomplished people would want anything to do with me. Even if they do, even if they're very kind and inviting, I still feel like they don't really want me there. You know that person you used to know that you didn't really care for, but you invited anyway because A) it was one more person in your group and B) you were just trying to be nice. Sometimes that's how I feel. Sometimes I feel like certain people don't invite me along because they care, but because they pitty. Don't worry, I'm not talking about anyone who's reading this.... I know you all hate me already, lol, JK. Seriously though, I have a pretty good sense of when people really want me around, and when they have me around just to be another body. I think we've all been on both sides. I just hate feeling that way. I guess when I'm at a big party, I think everyone is laughing at me behind my back, or talking about what I loser I am the next day. I know I know, it's probably mostly in my head. But it's not all. Come on, we all know how people act when they are trying to be nice but they don't REALLY want us around. Right?
Anyway, not gonna go into that any further. Just something on my mind. Not feeling bad about it, just an observation. I NEVER want to be a social burden. I like to know when people really want me there and when they don't... and if they don't, I will stay home and keep my dignity. LOL.
OK, strange entry, I know. Love you guys, seeyas.