it's gonna be a hard road, but it'll be worth it...
between justin being weird on the phone half the time he calls (plus never responding to my messages or comments on freakin myspace even though he's probably talking to other ppl, and never answering my emails ... or how he finds time on some days to use the internet but not give me a call for even a few seconds) so i have to just keep hope in my heart that he still cares
and
being excited about his leave but then not because if it's not those exact days than i might not be able to get off work
and
my mom being a bitch about the stupidest random stuff
and
trying to figure out which job i want to keep because they are both really awesome and they both expect me to
and
figuring out what's wrong with my knee and what i need to do to make it better (which again leads to justin being weird last night when i told him i was afraid for surgery and just all this stuff that is scaring me about it and he had nothing to say to me)
and just...
i'm going so crazy with so much that isn't justin related, the last thing i want is for him to do stupid stuff like ... ok so for example he said he got done early the other day, which is the day he didnt call me and the day he was on the computer. he has yet to write me any messages, like he always used to do, and i ahvent said anything because sometimes he says "it should be a surprise" but so i've stopped sending him stuff hoping he'll reply because he doesn't and he was on and couldn't even just write "miss you." when i have a feeling he is probably sending messages to other people, and ... well you know the way it goes with all his other girl friends. but am i really being stupid by wanting him to want to write a little soemthing to me too? i mean, i should be the most important girl right? he doesn't make me feel like i am but maybe he's not doing it on purpose. i don't need to be stressing him out more so i'm not gonna ask about it and maybe he didn't even write anything to anyone else so maybe i am really just being totally stupid, which makes sense logically to me.
i miss him soo sooo much though and it's so hard to keep faith that he cares when he can't tell me he misses me. but then it's easy to keep faith that he cares at the same time because he still finds time to call most of the time and he tells me he loves me.
i know i am being a stupid girl about all of this situation but i just can't help it. usually it helps to write it all out and figure out where i am coming from subconsciously.
it is so hard but it's my own fault for falling for him in the first place, which i promised myself i wasn't going to do from the start. but somewhere along the line i did. i was talking to john (yes rachel THAT john, haha) about relationships in general last night because i was asking him his advice on justin and i realized i don't feel the same way that i did when this all began. and that's the way i agreed it would be to justin. so i am certain that he is still on that level, not ready to go anywhere anytime soon. i need get back down to that level. i am realizing that more and more anyways with him being gone.
he just used to send me messages ALL the time, the cute ones too! like the thing about me being not being under his xmas tree so he didnt get waht he wanted, or like text messaging me with "L u" because we hadn't said it yet. or sending me messages telling me i was "so cute" and whatever else. i guess i just expect it to still be that way but i shouldn't because he's too busy for that. so i am out here wondering which way to go and what it means when he says or doesn't say things because i just manage to be that way about it all instead of just being the way i promised i would.
i'm sorry none of this is probably making any sense but i guess it's more for me to just get it all out.
i guess,
i am trying so hard to let him know he's the only one i care about and want to be with that way because i don't know if he ever thinks about it since i am here doing nothing much really but he's stuck training so maybe he might worry about me.
i get upset about the stupid things but then i sit back and wonder why the hell it matters so much.
to think about him and everything we've done together makes me happy. i've got a picture next to my bed and i can't help but smile every single time i look at it and think about kissing him. so even when i get upset, all i have to do is think of him and deep down it makes me happy.
so whatever it takes to make him happy.
i guess i'm worried that i don't anymore when stupid things like this happen.
and above all i promised myself i wouldn't let myself get heartbroken. but then i went and fell for him.
man. the whole time i knew him i NEVER EVER thought i would be dating him. it all seems so crazy to me.
but it comes down to this: in my heart he makes me happy and in my heart i care for him and want to be there for him and make him happy.
i don't care how far away he is or what he's doing. i just hope at the end of the day he thinks of me and smiles the way i think of him and smile.
okay i am done i guess.
it's just super hard and it doesn't seem to be hard for him at all and i wish i knew how it could be so easy for him.
but he also has his career and his life to work on so with all his big changes he is working hard on that. that's his number one concern and i'd expect nothing less. especially since i understand his love for what he's doing, and he is meant for it.
blah blah blah. just babbling now.
but thanks for letting me get this out, livejournal. ;)
and
being excited about his leave but then not because if it's not those exact days than i might not be able to get off work
and
my mom being a bitch about the stupidest random stuff
and
trying to figure out which job i want to keep because they are both really awesome and they both expect me to
and
figuring out what's wrong with my knee and what i need to do to make it better (which again leads to justin being weird last night when i told him i was afraid for surgery and just all this stuff that is scaring me about it and he had nothing to say to me)
and just...
i'm going so crazy with so much that isn't justin related, the last thing i want is for him to do stupid stuff like ... ok so for example he said he got done early the other day, which is the day he didnt call me and the day he was on the computer. he has yet to write me any messages, like he always used to do, and i ahvent said anything because sometimes he says "it should be a surprise" but so i've stopped sending him stuff hoping he'll reply because he doesn't and he was on and couldn't even just write "miss you." when i have a feeling he is probably sending messages to other people, and ... well you know the way it goes with all his other girl friends. but am i really being stupid by wanting him to want to write a little soemthing to me too? i mean, i should be the most important girl right? he doesn't make me feel like i am but maybe he's not doing it on purpose. i don't need to be stressing him out more so i'm not gonna ask about it and maybe he didn't even write anything to anyone else so maybe i am really just being totally stupid, which makes sense logically to me.
i miss him soo sooo much though and it's so hard to keep faith that he cares when he can't tell me he misses me. but then it's easy to keep faith that he cares at the same time because he still finds time to call most of the time and he tells me he loves me.
i know i am being a stupid girl about all of this situation but i just can't help it. usually it helps to write it all out and figure out where i am coming from subconsciously.
it is so hard but it's my own fault for falling for him in the first place, which i promised myself i wasn't going to do from the start. but somewhere along the line i did. i was talking to john (yes rachel THAT john, haha) about relationships in general last night because i was asking him his advice on justin and i realized i don't feel the same way that i did when this all began. and that's the way i agreed it would be to justin. so i am certain that he is still on that level, not ready to go anywhere anytime soon. i need get back down to that level. i am realizing that more and more anyways with him being gone.
he just used to send me messages ALL the time, the cute ones too! like the thing about me being not being under his xmas tree so he didnt get waht he wanted, or like text messaging me with "L u" because we hadn't said it yet. or sending me messages telling me i was "so cute" and whatever else. i guess i just expect it to still be that way but i shouldn't because he's too busy for that. so i am out here wondering which way to go and what it means when he says or doesn't say things because i just manage to be that way about it all instead of just being the way i promised i would.
i'm sorry none of this is probably making any sense but i guess it's more for me to just get it all out.
i guess,
i am trying so hard to let him know he's the only one i care about and want to be with that way because i don't know if he ever thinks about it since i am here doing nothing much really but he's stuck training so maybe he might worry about me.
i get upset about the stupid things but then i sit back and wonder why the hell it matters so much.
to think about him and everything we've done together makes me happy. i've got a picture next to my bed and i can't help but smile every single time i look at it and think about kissing him. so even when i get upset, all i have to do is think of him and deep down it makes me happy.
so whatever it takes to make him happy.
i guess i'm worried that i don't anymore when stupid things like this happen.
and above all i promised myself i wouldn't let myself get heartbroken. but then i went and fell for him.
man. the whole time i knew him i NEVER EVER thought i would be dating him. it all seems so crazy to me.
but it comes down to this: in my heart he makes me happy and in my heart i care for him and want to be there for him and make him happy.
i don't care how far away he is or what he's doing. i just hope at the end of the day he thinks of me and smiles the way i think of him and smile.
okay i am done i guess.
it's just super hard and it doesn't seem to be hard for him at all and i wish i knew how it could be so easy for him.
but he also has his career and his life to work on so with all his big changes he is working hard on that. that's his number one concern and i'd expect nothing less. especially since i understand his love for what he's doing, and he is meant for it.
blah blah blah. just babbling now.
but thanks for letting me get this out, livejournal. ;)