(no subject)
I wrote this last night...
So, it has been forever since I have last updated. I tried to do it like a week or two ago, but it kept getting deleted. Anyways, I have a lot going on in that little head of mine.
For starters, my self-esteem is at a new low. I don’t have any confidence in my self. I don’t know what is going on with me. My medication takes away a good portion of my appetite, but I have always been able to eat. Well, for the past couple months I have been getting more and more depressed which depletes my appetite even more. It has now gotten to the point that I hardly eat. Thursday I had a strawberry granola bar and a pre-sliced piece of American Cheese. Yesterday I had ½ of a cookie, 95% of a pretzel and that’s it, and today I had a bowl of fruit loops, an English muffin, and some French fries with 2 small bites out of my hamburger… and I spent over 2 hours at the gym. I don’t know what is up with me… I don’t feel fat, I don’t think I’m fat… I mean yeah there are some things about my body I would change, but still.
David and me, well I think I need to be done with him, but I cant seem to bring myself to do that. I do have feelings for some one else, and I think it would be better for me to move on. We will see what happens because he is leaving for basically my whole summer. That will either make me get over which means it wasn’t meant to be, or want him even more. I know I am young and I need to experience other people. I mean he and I have been on and off for almost 11 months. He kissed the girl who’s prom he went to last night… he said he pulled away, but then she started saying stuff like why do you like her, she cheated on you, blah blah blah and he gave in for “one five second kiss”. That just sucks because she is the one that IMed me threatening to beat my ass because she wants him and I have him. That is going to have a big effect on what I do.
Well, the aforementioned “some one else”. He treats me so much better than David. He listens to me, doesn’t put me down, has good conversation with me, we never fight, and I can be myself with him. He knows his limitations with me and doesn’t try to cross them. That was one thing that has had a major impact on me falling for this guy. David never knew when to take no for an answer and move on. This guy is more romantic than David… I guess that is how I would put it. He would be happy just hanging out, or just having me laying in his arms… nothing even has to happen between us that is sexual. I like that… I like just being in someone’s arms. I want someone who will actually go on dates with me. The boy and I are really close already, and even though at this point there is no chance in us becoming an official couple (we both have our mutual reasons), it would be so fantastic to finally have a guy that likes me for me, and not what I have to offer him. Mostly, to have a guy I can talk to or hang out with who doesn’t make me feel horrible. He makes me feel incredible… every time I talk to him I like him even more, and I feel so comfortable with him. That is important too.
My social life is kind of out of wack right now. I haven’t really been going out. When I have gone out it has been either for BBG, Confirmation or Rodney… well that is how it has seemed the past couple weeks. So yesterday I hung out with my friend Melissa. It was so much fun. I realized that I need to have more friends out side of BBYO that I hang out with because I don’t always feel so welcome or wanted in it. I feel and know that most of the people don’t like me and talk shit. They don’t realize that I don’t really care about their opinion because they aren’t the people I am in it for. Like, I will admit I don’t like hearing that stuff, but then again who does. So I am going to make an effort to go and hang out with my other friends, and go out and do stuff by myself and make new friends. I want to take horseback riding down here instead of just waiting until summer every year and hope I go up to Grandma and Grandpas for a weekend. I am going to go get a job, and basically try and form a somewhat new life for myself. Granted I am still going to go to BBG, and hang out with my old friends, but I want new ones too. I was thinking of taking a college class in photography… it seems like something I could get into. It would relax me and put me in nature alone and give me a chance to think. My parents said that they would let me go drive and find things or places to take pictures. I am kind of excited. It will give me something new to focus my energy on.
My car accident was a month ago, and I am still horrible about it. I still have nightmares about it. Every time I make a left turn my heart starts beating so fast and I flip out in my head. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling what I felt then. Like when it happened I was completely flipping out in my head. I was so upset. When Rodney got there, I relaxed a lot. Granted, I was still flipping out, but he was there holding my hand and I felt like it was ok. I feel like he’s my protector, and when he says its all going to be ok, or when he is around, then everything really is okay. Now, I don’t always have him here holding my hand, so when I get these pictures replaying in my head, I just kind of flip. I wake up at least 3 times a week from nightmares about my accident, or other such related things. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is my guess, but I’ll be okay.
My home life could be much better. My mom seems to be yelling at me a lot. I feel like no matter what I do it’s never good enough for them. They think I don’t care about anything besides my friends. The friends I do care so much about are the ones that make me feel good about myself… they are some of the only things in my life that do. My mom realizes how I don’t go out any more, and how I just kind of stay home and mope. That isn’t true. I do stay home, but I am usually just trying to relax and get away from the every day pressures of being a teenager. I want to be more responsible with my stuff… it is hard because I get really forgetful when I am not on my medication, but I need to figure something out. I want to get a job, and get better grades next year. I want more freedom in my life, but mostly, I want them to trust me again. I need to stop getting bad grades so I don’t feel like I must sneak around to talk to my friends. I tried the approach of “if you don’t take my phone away I wont have to sneak to talk to my best friend”. Of course, it didn’t work. So, now I am just going to have to be extra good. I want to be able to go to the beach when I want, or go hang out with my friends, etc without them thinking I am up to something. The thing that stinks is that they automatically assume I am up to something… when 97% of the time I am not. Oh well, I guess that is just life.
Well I think I have written enough for one night. Hopefully I will get this posting thing to a more normal basis. Sorry it is so long
TTFN…
¸_./'\._¸¸.·¤**¤·.¸.·¤**¤·..*
*·. .·* :*Melissa*:
/.·*·.\ ¸ ..·¤**¤·.,.·¤**¤·.*
P.S. Muscle Whale… thanks for all your support with all of my little issues.
P.P.S. Hershey you still haven’t written about me in your LJ
So, it has been forever since I have last updated. I tried to do it like a week or two ago, but it kept getting deleted. Anyways, I have a lot going on in that little head of mine.
For starters, my self-esteem is at a new low. I don’t have any confidence in my self. I don’t know what is going on with me. My medication takes away a good portion of my appetite, but I have always been able to eat. Well, for the past couple months I have been getting more and more depressed which depletes my appetite even more. It has now gotten to the point that I hardly eat. Thursday I had a strawberry granola bar and a pre-sliced piece of American Cheese. Yesterday I had ½ of a cookie, 95% of a pretzel and that’s it, and today I had a bowl of fruit loops, an English muffin, and some French fries with 2 small bites out of my hamburger… and I spent over 2 hours at the gym. I don’t know what is up with me… I don’t feel fat, I don’t think I’m fat… I mean yeah there are some things about my body I would change, but still.
David and me, well I think I need to be done with him, but I cant seem to bring myself to do that. I do have feelings for some one else, and I think it would be better for me to move on. We will see what happens because he is leaving for basically my whole summer. That will either make me get over which means it wasn’t meant to be, or want him even more. I know I am young and I need to experience other people. I mean he and I have been on and off for almost 11 months. He kissed the girl who’s prom he went to last night… he said he pulled away, but then she started saying stuff like why do you like her, she cheated on you, blah blah blah and he gave in for “one five second kiss”. That just sucks because she is the one that IMed me threatening to beat my ass because she wants him and I have him. That is going to have a big effect on what I do.
Well, the aforementioned “some one else”. He treats me so much better than David. He listens to me, doesn’t put me down, has good conversation with me, we never fight, and I can be myself with him. He knows his limitations with me and doesn’t try to cross them. That was one thing that has had a major impact on me falling for this guy. David never knew when to take no for an answer and move on. This guy is more romantic than David… I guess that is how I would put it. He would be happy just hanging out, or just having me laying in his arms… nothing even has to happen between us that is sexual. I like that… I like just being in someone’s arms. I want someone who will actually go on dates with me. The boy and I are really close already, and even though at this point there is no chance in us becoming an official couple (we both have our mutual reasons), it would be so fantastic to finally have a guy that likes me for me, and not what I have to offer him. Mostly, to have a guy I can talk to or hang out with who doesn’t make me feel horrible. He makes me feel incredible… every time I talk to him I like him even more, and I feel so comfortable with him. That is important too.
My social life is kind of out of wack right now. I haven’t really been going out. When I have gone out it has been either for BBG, Confirmation or Rodney… well that is how it has seemed the past couple weeks. So yesterday I hung out with my friend Melissa. It was so much fun. I realized that I need to have more friends out side of BBYO that I hang out with because I don’t always feel so welcome or wanted in it. I feel and know that most of the people don’t like me and talk shit. They don’t realize that I don’t really care about their opinion because they aren’t the people I am in it for. Like, I will admit I don’t like hearing that stuff, but then again who does. So I am going to make an effort to go and hang out with my other friends, and go out and do stuff by myself and make new friends. I want to take horseback riding down here instead of just waiting until summer every year and hope I go up to Grandma and Grandpas for a weekend. I am going to go get a job, and basically try and form a somewhat new life for myself. Granted I am still going to go to BBG, and hang out with my old friends, but I want new ones too. I was thinking of taking a college class in photography… it seems like something I could get into. It would relax me and put me in nature alone and give me a chance to think. My parents said that they would let me go drive and find things or places to take pictures. I am kind of excited. It will give me something new to focus my energy on.
My car accident was a month ago, and I am still horrible about it. I still have nightmares about it. Every time I make a left turn my heart starts beating so fast and I flip out in my head. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling what I felt then. Like when it happened I was completely flipping out in my head. I was so upset. When Rodney got there, I relaxed a lot. Granted, I was still flipping out, but he was there holding my hand and I felt like it was ok. I feel like he’s my protector, and when he says its all going to be ok, or when he is around, then everything really is okay. Now, I don’t always have him here holding my hand, so when I get these pictures replaying in my head, I just kind of flip. I wake up at least 3 times a week from nightmares about my accident, or other such related things. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is my guess, but I’ll be okay.
My home life could be much better. My mom seems to be yelling at me a lot. I feel like no matter what I do it’s never good enough for them. They think I don’t care about anything besides my friends. The friends I do care so much about are the ones that make me feel good about myself… they are some of the only things in my life that do. My mom realizes how I don’t go out any more, and how I just kind of stay home and mope. That isn’t true. I do stay home, but I am usually just trying to relax and get away from the every day pressures of being a teenager. I want to be more responsible with my stuff… it is hard because I get really forgetful when I am not on my medication, but I need to figure something out. I want to get a job, and get better grades next year. I want more freedom in my life, but mostly, I want them to trust me again. I need to stop getting bad grades so I don’t feel like I must sneak around to talk to my friends. I tried the approach of “if you don’t take my phone away I wont have to sneak to talk to my best friend”. Of course, it didn’t work. So, now I am just going to have to be extra good. I want to be able to go to the beach when I want, or go hang out with my friends, etc without them thinking I am up to something. The thing that stinks is that they automatically assume I am up to something… when 97% of the time I am not. Oh well, I guess that is just life.
Well I think I have written enough for one night. Hopefully I will get this posting thing to a more normal basis. Sorry it is so long
TTFN…
¸_./'\._¸¸.·¤**¤·.¸.·¤**¤·..*
*·. .·* :*Melissa*:
/.·*·.\ ¸ ..·¤**¤·.,.·¤**¤·.*
P.S. Muscle Whale… thanks for all your support with all of my little issues.
P.P.S. Hershey you still haven’t written about me in your LJ