(no subject)
Okay, I reeeeeeeeeeally hate my dad. A couple of things...One, a week or two ago, he actually had the balls to suggest that the medications Joel and I were taking weren't working and maybe we should change. Um, not your call...Weren't working how? Because I'm home for a year? Because Joel's semester was less than perfect after a two-year break? Um, hi. Meds only do so much. And guess what I learned in college? Meds and alcohol/pot DON'T mix. So when I go back I'll know better. Had to figure that one out the hard way...
Oh, for those of you who don't know my dad, this is him in a nutshell: He's brilliant. I mean, scary smart beyond belief. Taught himself calculus, came thiiiiis close to winning the national spelling bee as a kid (he misspelled edelweiss...can you blame him?) and like many geniuses completely and utterly lacks social skills or emotional maturity. He doesn't have friends, he's a workaholic, he's detached, and he will never ever ever admit when he's wrong. He's childish and stubborn. And did I mention he's a genius? Because it is fucking hard to follow in those footsteps.
You may think I'm being really critical. I'm not. If you know my dad you know that this is an understatement about his personality.
My uncle was visiting this week, and apparently he and my father sided against my mother in a debate. The topic? Why can't Alyssa suck it up and just go to college? Oh, how I would love for life to be so easy! Leaving school was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. I need the time off. But I'm struggling with my identity, too...I mean, every single one of the girls I graduated with just finished her freshman year. I'll be a freshman for another year. The class I was in at SJC, they'll all be sophomores too. And I'll still be a freshman. It feels a lot worse than you may imagine...I feel like an utter failure. I can't take pride in little victories. Like, my mom says, "Look at something really difficult you did" and I'll say, "It was difficult for me. It doesn't take any effort for a normal person." I can't be proud of something that normal people don't struggle with.
And yet, I can't help but wonder if they're right. Why can't I just suck it up and go to college? Technically, why couldn't I have sucked it up and stayed in college? I had finally almost come to terms with needing the time off and believing myself when I told myself it was the right thing and now I'm secondguessing myself. Again. God I hate my dad! He's probably right too.
Oh, for those of you who don't know my dad, this is him in a nutshell: He's brilliant. I mean, scary smart beyond belief. Taught himself calculus, came thiiiiis close to winning the national spelling bee as a kid (he misspelled edelweiss...can you blame him?) and like many geniuses completely and utterly lacks social skills or emotional maturity. He doesn't have friends, he's a workaholic, he's detached, and he will never ever ever admit when he's wrong. He's childish and stubborn. And did I mention he's a genius? Because it is fucking hard to follow in those footsteps.
You may think I'm being really critical. I'm not. If you know my dad you know that this is an understatement about his personality.
My uncle was visiting this week, and apparently he and my father sided against my mother in a debate. The topic? Why can't Alyssa suck it up and just go to college? Oh, how I would love for life to be so easy! Leaving school was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. I need the time off. But I'm struggling with my identity, too...I mean, every single one of the girls I graduated with just finished her freshman year. I'll be a freshman for another year. The class I was in at SJC, they'll all be sophomores too. And I'll still be a freshman. It feels a lot worse than you may imagine...I feel like an utter failure. I can't take pride in little victories. Like, my mom says, "Look at something really difficult you did" and I'll say, "It was difficult for me. It doesn't take any effort for a normal person." I can't be proud of something that normal people don't struggle with.
And yet, I can't help but wonder if they're right. Why can't I just suck it up and go to college? Technically, why couldn't I have sucked it up and stayed in college? I had finally almost come to terms with needing the time off and believing myself when I told myself it was the right thing and now I'm secondguessing myself. Again. God I hate my dad! He's probably right too.