(no subject)
I’m coming home this weekend to rest. To listen to slow music without overt consciousness of my body or of other people, pressing in all around me.
I’ve been writing so many analytical papers that I’m afraid of losing my unstructured, chaotic prose. Fuck structure. It’s not that I can’t “do structure,” hell, I can do it with finesse, but I refuse to go quietly. No composition teacher is going to bludgeon the madness out of my writing. That’s what makes it “mine,” for better or for worse…
On another arbitrary note,
My friend Dana talks about her romance with this guy Trevor all the time. He lies to her, he ignores her, he plays her- he sullies her spirit. I listen imploringly, living vicariously through yet another alien romance.
And fuck me gently with a chainsaw for being attracted to the guys with humor, who revel in the cynical aspects of life, who defile me. The ones who shred the beautiful nuances of life apart because they are blind to the aesthetic. I’m moderately social though, so I like to play along, to contribute to the repartee… And soon I am plunging headfirst into some futile romance. I met this guy, Ari, who is sensitive and overly friendly. Something is subconsciously encouraging me to pursue a different route for once, to give him a chance. He’s funny, but he also touches my arm when he’s speaking to me. He’s not afraid of intimacy. I recoil, and mentally amplify the prickling sensation in the shell of my skin-unnerving. My cheeks flare, and blushingly, my eyes fall to the floor. By the way, Matt down the hall didn’t work out. He’s a friend, but he’s also one of the aforementioned “funny guys.” One of many I’ve considered dating lo these past few angst-ridden years. I’m not contending that humor repels me; it’s more that the accompanying dry sarcasm (though witty and entertaining) can also imply other troubled attributes of a guy’s personality.
Ugh whatever…
I’m so relieved to have written all of the papers that were due this week. Now I can relax, take a Jacuzzi, read a book. Resume a saner mindset. WRITE FOR MYSELF! THANK YOU JESUS!