Worst enemy, etc.
I've been in kind of a vortex of perfectionism lately, kind of an upward spiral, but not in a healthy way at all.
My supposedly latent Virgo tendencies manifested around the time I hit 30. Before that I think I mainly just bopped through life, fairly happy-go-lucky, throughout my 20s. I was unwilling to make plans beyond a few weeks or commit time to anything like classes or saving money. Nearly overnight I became a five-year-plan type of person.
Setting my academic goals and going back to school really kicked it into overdrive. Once I figured out that I could get an A in that first Algebra class, that was all that was acceptable. Seriously, my emotional grading scale is:
100 (or more, if extra credit is available) - correct
95 and up - acceptable
90 - barely ok, could fail
anything lower - FAIL
That's part of it. But I've also become much more critical of my appearance in the past few years too. Part of it was dating and later being partnered to someone with zero body fat who, though he never says anything, I know prefers me 10 pounds lighter than I am now, at my happy weight. Unfortunately, I can only achieve that weight when I'm miserably anxious and barely eating. Right now it's extra difficult because usually when I feel most ugly and bloated and misshapen, I start menstruating, feel like a monster cow alien for a couple days, then start feeling lighter and cleaner and slimmer and less rotten. Currently I'm waiting for my period to kick back in when the hormones are all balanced post-miscarriage.
Which is another thing. That timeline would have been perfect. Nine months at home with the kid, then grad school. Now it's all screwed up. Now I'm looking at interviewing for school while massively pregnant, which can't look good, or having to try to defer it for a year if I get in. So my plans are derailed and out of control, the point I'm making here being that I cannot control these things, and therefore they suck. My future is a total question mark right now despite all my work and planning. It could have been perfect, but instead it's all ?????!???&@3#.
Finally, I've been having trouble with my skin. My skin used to be amazing! The Pill really helped, I think. For months it's been iffy. I thought it was rosacea, but the usual meds don't work, so I don't know, and I can't afford a dermatologist right now. Also my upper chest and upper back are bumpy now. No idea why. And so I pick at every to try to fix it, which makes it worse, and so forth. My vanity is suffering, and I'm tired of feeling lousy about myself and unsexy.
Finally, one of my eyelids has been twitching for more than a month; probably because of stress.
All these things periodically mount up in my mind and cause me to viciously attack myself. I'm not good enough. I'm ugly and stupid and if it feels like something is wrong, it must be my fault, and I deserve it. If I'm not good enough in all of these ways I've picked out, people will leave.
On some level I know how idiotic and not completely sane all this is, and I'm hoping that seeing it written down will jar me out of it.
As I see it, here are the things I need to do:
- Talk to my therapist.
- Leave my skin alone. Like, completely. Except for gently applying creams and makeup and gently washing and patting dry. Errant hairs may be gently tweezed.
- Give up desserts again, at least till I'm pregnant. Eat more salads. Maybe learn more salad recipes. Walk more.
- Try to take time to focus on doing things just for me sometimes. I'm lousy at that.
- Just try to peace out, enjoy each moment and fucking LET GO. Also not my best thing.
Any other suggestions?
My supposedly latent Virgo tendencies manifested around the time I hit 30. Before that I think I mainly just bopped through life, fairly happy-go-lucky, throughout my 20s. I was unwilling to make plans beyond a few weeks or commit time to anything like classes or saving money. Nearly overnight I became a five-year-plan type of person.
Setting my academic goals and going back to school really kicked it into overdrive. Once I figured out that I could get an A in that first Algebra class, that was all that was acceptable. Seriously, my emotional grading scale is:
100 (or more, if extra credit is available) - correct
95 and up - acceptable
90 - barely ok, could fail
anything lower - FAIL
That's part of it. But I've also become much more critical of my appearance in the past few years too. Part of it was dating and later being partnered to someone with zero body fat who, though he never says anything, I know prefers me 10 pounds lighter than I am now, at my happy weight. Unfortunately, I can only achieve that weight when I'm miserably anxious and barely eating. Right now it's extra difficult because usually when I feel most ugly and bloated and misshapen, I start menstruating, feel like a monster cow alien for a couple days, then start feeling lighter and cleaner and slimmer and less rotten. Currently I'm waiting for my period to kick back in when the hormones are all balanced post-miscarriage.
Which is another thing. That timeline would have been perfect. Nine months at home with the kid, then grad school. Now it's all screwed up. Now I'm looking at interviewing for school while massively pregnant, which can't look good, or having to try to defer it for a year if I get in. So my plans are derailed and out of control, the point I'm making here being that I cannot control these things, and therefore they suck. My future is a total question mark right now despite all my work and planning. It could have been perfect, but instead it's all ?????!???&@3#.
Finally, I've been having trouble with my skin. My skin used to be amazing! The Pill really helped, I think. For months it's been iffy. I thought it was rosacea, but the usual meds don't work, so I don't know, and I can't afford a dermatologist right now. Also my upper chest and upper back are bumpy now. No idea why. And so I pick at every to try to fix it, which makes it worse, and so forth. My vanity is suffering, and I'm tired of feeling lousy about myself and unsexy.
Finally, one of my eyelids has been twitching for more than a month; probably because of stress.
All these things periodically mount up in my mind and cause me to viciously attack myself. I'm not good enough. I'm ugly and stupid and if it feels like something is wrong, it must be my fault, and I deserve it. If I'm not good enough in all of these ways I've picked out, people will leave.
On some level I know how idiotic and not completely sane all this is, and I'm hoping that seeing it written down will jar me out of it.
As I see it, here are the things I need to do:
- Talk to my therapist.
- Leave my skin alone. Like, completely. Except for gently applying creams and makeup and gently washing and patting dry. Errant hairs may be gently tweezed.
- Give up desserts again, at least till I'm pregnant. Eat more salads. Maybe learn more salad recipes. Walk more.
- Try to take time to focus on doing things just for me sometimes. I'm lousy at that.
- Just try to peace out, enjoy each moment and fucking LET GO. Also not my best thing.
Any other suggestions?