Generation gap.
Sorting out some difficult stuff about my sister's visit.
In many ways it was a great time. We get along well, make each other laugh, always have fun together. But there are some hard things too, most probably due to our 15-year age difference.
- She's addicted to constant texting. Maybe most teenagers are. With an honest look back at my teenage years, I would have been too. She did it while I was talking to her, sometimes about fairly important or emotional things; in the midst of nice dinners and social gatherings; as we walked down the street. She would insist that she was paying attention. I feel that it's basically pretty rude. I made a few direct comments, realized she wasn't going to cut down, halfway decided to accept it, and subsided into passive-aggressive teasing. (BTW, she was just fired from her job at a daycare for texting. She'd been warned before.)
- One extra-hurtful thing about it is that she hardly ever takes my calls and rarely calls me back or returns my texts. And it's not like I try constantly to contact her. But when this boy she's been "dating" for four days sends her a text, it's a horrible thing if 30 seconds go by without responding, and god help us if she misses a call. What will he think? And she was only away for five days.
- I see her twice a year. These kids see her every day.
- At the heart of it, I pay for her flights because I want to have a relationship with her, and I pay for the shows ($80 Wicked tickets; she's wanted to see it for years) and nice dinners and take her on activities while she's here because I want there to be good things, exciting things, adventures, in her life. Not to mention care packages when she has an attack of depression or anxiety about some redneck boy who dumped her, because I want to cheer her up. There was no one in my life who did things like this for me, so it's partially a case of wanting the kids to have everything you didn't, style of thing.
- I feel bad about admitting it, but when I ponder the very little time or effort or even attention she's willing to put into our relationship, it's making me feel that I invest a little too much and try a little too hard. I think it's time to back off a little, let her go a little, give her some time to grow up and decide how close she wants us to be. She needs to take a few steps toward me. I think I'll still offer her the trips each summer and make it clear she's always welcome here, but not make such a big deal of arranging stuff to do and paying for such expensive activities. And maybe cards instead of care packages.
- I did have a little heart-to-heart with her last night, during which she thankfully did not send texts, but probably only because the boy, three hours behind, was already asleep. I apologized for the passive-aggressive teasing, because I don't want to be that way towards anyone, but I laid out very gently and in as non-accusing a manner as possible why I feel hurt about my low priority in her life. I said I know that since I'm not part of her daily life, I take a backseat to the people around her. I also explained that my relationship with her brings back memories of my priorities as a teenager, which were not dissimilar, and the adults who loved me and wanted to be in my life, but could simply not hold my interest although I liked and appreciated them. I realize now how important I was to them. I told her I understand where she's at, but I hope that when she's a little older it will begin to change.
- She admitted that she knows she's not a very good sister most of the time, and that she's very self-involved and focused on the people in her immediate life. She said that she loves me dearly and will try to make responding to my contacts more of a priority.
- So, we'll see.
There were also some issues around her visit relating to the other people in my life.
- Trousers was very kind about giving rides to/from the airport and went rock climbing at Baker Beach with us. Other than that, he begged off every activity. He also wouldn't have sex with me while she was staying because he feels weird about anyone being in the house. It would have been impossible for her to hear anything, but ... that's Trousers. It felt like we had two separate lives this weekend. I'm being sensitive, but it felt a little sad.
- The squid was at a convention all weekend. Miss Tasty had wanted to stay Thursday night and drive him to the airport, but I'd been feeling chafed and asked for that instead. When he got back Monday, the next two days were really the only time Squid would get to see my sister, so I wanted those days too. She felt chafed and unhappy that she couldn't have Tuesday night, so Squid and I made a joint decision that she should have it. I was a bit petty about Thursday; she was a bit petty about Tuesday; hopefully everything is ok now. But she was apparently in a terrible mood yesterday and made vague angry Facebook postings, so who knows, maybe it will be all weird and screwed up and resentful now. My thing was that I was sad about Trousers' independence from family stuff, and looking forward to feeling like a family with the Squid and the sis when he got back - but I didn't get much of that. Really the whole thing was just bad timing.
- Sometimes I do feel that I've screwed myself out of a higher degree of intimacy and cohesion by setting my life up like this. There are many advantages to having two partners and a co-girlfriend, but there are times when it seems more lonely than having one person who tries and surely fails to meet all my needs.
I find myself feeling sad and vulnerable as my sister flies home. The space between people, even when it's slight, is unbridgeable.
In many ways it was a great time. We get along well, make each other laugh, always have fun together. But there are some hard things too, most probably due to our 15-year age difference.
- She's addicted to constant texting. Maybe most teenagers are. With an honest look back at my teenage years, I would have been too. She did it while I was talking to her, sometimes about fairly important or emotional things; in the midst of nice dinners and social gatherings; as we walked down the street. She would insist that she was paying attention. I feel that it's basically pretty rude. I made a few direct comments, realized she wasn't going to cut down, halfway decided to accept it, and subsided into passive-aggressive teasing. (BTW, she was just fired from her job at a daycare for texting. She'd been warned before.)
- One extra-hurtful thing about it is that she hardly ever takes my calls and rarely calls me back or returns my texts. And it's not like I try constantly to contact her. But when this boy she's been "dating" for four days sends her a text, it's a horrible thing if 30 seconds go by without responding, and god help us if she misses a call. What will he think? And she was only away for five days.
- I see her twice a year. These kids see her every day.
- At the heart of it, I pay for her flights because I want to have a relationship with her, and I pay for the shows ($80 Wicked tickets; she's wanted to see it for years) and nice dinners and take her on activities while she's here because I want there to be good things, exciting things, adventures, in her life. Not to mention care packages when she has an attack of depression or anxiety about some redneck boy who dumped her, because I want to cheer her up. There was no one in my life who did things like this for me, so it's partially a case of wanting the kids to have everything you didn't, style of thing.
- I feel bad about admitting it, but when I ponder the very little time or effort or even attention she's willing to put into our relationship, it's making me feel that I invest a little too much and try a little too hard. I think it's time to back off a little, let her go a little, give her some time to grow up and decide how close she wants us to be. She needs to take a few steps toward me. I think I'll still offer her the trips each summer and make it clear she's always welcome here, but not make such a big deal of arranging stuff to do and paying for such expensive activities. And maybe cards instead of care packages.
- I did have a little heart-to-heart with her last night, during which she thankfully did not send texts, but probably only because the boy, three hours behind, was already asleep. I apologized for the passive-aggressive teasing, because I don't want to be that way towards anyone, but I laid out very gently and in as non-accusing a manner as possible why I feel hurt about my low priority in her life. I said I know that since I'm not part of her daily life, I take a backseat to the people around her. I also explained that my relationship with her brings back memories of my priorities as a teenager, which were not dissimilar, and the adults who loved me and wanted to be in my life, but could simply not hold my interest although I liked and appreciated them. I realize now how important I was to them. I told her I understand where she's at, but I hope that when she's a little older it will begin to change.
- She admitted that she knows she's not a very good sister most of the time, and that she's very self-involved and focused on the people in her immediate life. She said that she loves me dearly and will try to make responding to my contacts more of a priority.
- So, we'll see.
There were also some issues around her visit relating to the other people in my life.
- Trousers was very kind about giving rides to/from the airport and went rock climbing at Baker Beach with us. Other than that, he begged off every activity. He also wouldn't have sex with me while she was staying because he feels weird about anyone being in the house. It would have been impossible for her to hear anything, but ... that's Trousers. It felt like we had two separate lives this weekend. I'm being sensitive, but it felt a little sad.
- The squid was at a convention all weekend. Miss Tasty had wanted to stay Thursday night and drive him to the airport, but I'd been feeling chafed and asked for that instead. When he got back Monday, the next two days were really the only time Squid would get to see my sister, so I wanted those days too. She felt chafed and unhappy that she couldn't have Tuesday night, so Squid and I made a joint decision that she should have it. I was a bit petty about Thursday; she was a bit petty about Tuesday; hopefully everything is ok now. But she was apparently in a terrible mood yesterday and made vague angry Facebook postings, so who knows, maybe it will be all weird and screwed up and resentful now. My thing was that I was sad about Trousers' independence from family stuff, and looking forward to feeling like a family with the Squid and the sis when he got back - but I didn't get much of that. Really the whole thing was just bad timing.
- Sometimes I do feel that I've screwed myself out of a higher degree of intimacy and cohesion by setting my life up like this. There are many advantages to having two partners and a co-girlfriend, but there are times when it seems more lonely than having one person who tries and surely fails to meet all my needs.
I find myself feeling sad and vulnerable as my sister flies home. The space between people, even when it's slight, is unbridgeable.