going nowhere.
awake too early and unexpectedly I am groggy and feel nauseated in just that morning sense.
my body feels mismatched in a funny way with a bottom half that comfortably fits this childsized underwear with its blonde cinderella staring out from the expanse of periwinkle blue. the waistband proclaims 'monday' in pink script. i am not as deformed as i may seem. i just have no ass.
i watched a show on the learning channel about these children with a disease that I cant remember the name of, it made them grow very old while they were still children and they would have strokes and heart problems and look incredibly interesting, but they were still four five and six. That amazed me.
Last summer at around this time I was faced with a similar feeling of not knowing what was ahead of me, this is ironic. I spent a year up there in the mountains where I learned lessons abut social incest and isolation in many forms, but I still have only reached the verytip of the iceberg. I was wrong to be so negative going into the situation last year, scared and resistant, not entirely my fault- It was how I felt, but thenI was so happy at my job, happy to be with and in love with someone who said they loved me back (and eventually turned out to be uninterested or unable to really reciprocate what I wanted), living where I thought was 'home'
and now that even all that has changed, i live somewhere (slightly) different, I have new and different loves, I have a new and different job, I still feel spooked and resistant about the next inevitable ten month cycle in which my life changes yet again.
who thought this system was the best? who decided that this age group should get to have self exploration and social adventures and academic challenges and excitingnew institutionalized-independence at the cost of basically what i feel amounts to a certain lack of stability. Its near impossible to have a steady job in the real world, and to establish anywhere that is home other than the institution.
I want a houseplant or something, but it will either die if orphaned in two months or be relocated along with me which may not be possible.
my body feels mismatched in a funny way with a bottom half that comfortably fits this childsized underwear with its blonde cinderella staring out from the expanse of periwinkle blue. the waistband proclaims 'monday' in pink script. i am not as deformed as i may seem. i just have no ass.
i watched a show on the learning channel about these children with a disease that I cant remember the name of, it made them grow very old while they were still children and they would have strokes and heart problems and look incredibly interesting, but they were still four five and six. That amazed me.
Last summer at around this time I was faced with a similar feeling of not knowing what was ahead of me, this is ironic. I spent a year up there in the mountains where I learned lessons abut social incest and isolation in many forms, but I still have only reached the verytip of the iceberg. I was wrong to be so negative going into the situation last year, scared and resistant, not entirely my fault- It was how I felt, but thenI was so happy at my job, happy to be with and in love with someone who said they loved me back (and eventually turned out to be uninterested or unable to really reciprocate what I wanted), living where I thought was 'home'
and now that even all that has changed, i live somewhere (slightly) different, I have new and different loves, I have a new and different job, I still feel spooked and resistant about the next inevitable ten month cycle in which my life changes yet again.
who thought this system was the best? who decided that this age group should get to have self exploration and social adventures and academic challenges and excitingnew institutionalized-independence at the cost of basically what i feel amounts to a certain lack of stability. Its near impossible to have a steady job in the real world, and to establish anywhere that is home other than the institution.
I want a houseplant or something, but it will either die if orphaned in two months or be relocated along with me which may not be possible.