I guess I don't really like this anymore.
I don't really like writing in this anymore. I don't really like how it forces me to feel sad all the time. I mean, I'm really just forcing myself to feel sad because that's what I've always done. But I think I'm back to where I was around this time last year; most of last year. And really, I'm happier. That's not really why I decided to write in this for the first time in long while.
My grandpa died last night. I told one of my best friends in a text this morning forgetting that telling her would spread to the entire family. And then it would spread to my other best friend. Both called me. Then it spread to another friend and so she contacted me. I'm not mad at anyone, I know it's nice to have support. But I just don't really know what to feel and I have never known how to react to death.
I was also never too close to my grandfather in the sense that I could never have a real, honest conversation with him. He was plagued with anxiety and never really felt comfortable in his own skin. He loved us. He did what he could. He helped me pay for my first year in college. He was very helpful and giving to my parents. And in truth, I couldn't imagine what these last ten years have been like for him. He lost my grandmother, the one perosn that really kept him going, when I was a ten. He suffered a heart attack a few years later. Then he was diagnosed with alzheimer's. When I found out he had alzheimer's, it was as if I had just been told he passed away. A little over six months ago he completely lost any sense of who his family was.
What makes me upset is that he had to suffer for so long. I am happy that he passed peacefully and no longer has to be tormented with such an incredibly painful illness. I don't have a right to be upset that he's gone; that would be selfish. If I am upset about anything, it's that he lived as long as he did in such misery. I know this is what he wanted. And although I do not believe in a heaven or hell, I do for his sake. I hope that he gets to see grandma again.
So, farewell Grandpa Brown. We will miss and love you always. Say hi to Grandma for us!
RIP Vernon Lawrence Brown (1919-2009)
My grandpa died last night. I told one of my best friends in a text this morning forgetting that telling her would spread to the entire family. And then it would spread to my other best friend. Both called me. Then it spread to another friend and so she contacted me. I'm not mad at anyone, I know it's nice to have support. But I just don't really know what to feel and I have never known how to react to death.
I was also never too close to my grandfather in the sense that I could never have a real, honest conversation with him. He was plagued with anxiety and never really felt comfortable in his own skin. He loved us. He did what he could. He helped me pay for my first year in college. He was very helpful and giving to my parents. And in truth, I couldn't imagine what these last ten years have been like for him. He lost my grandmother, the one perosn that really kept him going, when I was a ten. He suffered a heart attack a few years later. Then he was diagnosed with alzheimer's. When I found out he had alzheimer's, it was as if I had just been told he passed away. A little over six months ago he completely lost any sense of who his family was.
What makes me upset is that he had to suffer for so long. I am happy that he passed peacefully and no longer has to be tormented with such an incredibly painful illness. I don't have a right to be upset that he's gone; that would be selfish. If I am upset about anything, it's that he lived as long as he did in such misery. I know this is what he wanted. And although I do not believe in a heaven or hell, I do for his sake. I hope that he gets to see grandma again.
So, farewell Grandpa Brown. We will miss and love you always. Say hi to Grandma for us!
RIP Vernon Lawrence Brown (1919-2009)