Fic: Little Secrets [4/?] (Glee, Rachel/Quinn)
Title: Little Secrets
Fandom: Glee
Paring: Rachel/Quinn
Rating: PG-13
Length: 3931
Spoilers: None, but to be safe, 1st half of the season
Disclaimer: I don't own anything
Summary: Angst. Quinn Fabray is happy living a lie until High School ends. That is, until someone finds out.
Author's Note: Thanks so much again to my beta hymnsuponurlips for correcting my stupid mistakes and for her brilliant ideas :) As always, comments are loved :D
[ one ] [ two ] [ three ]
Rachel stood outside the boys’ locker room, impatiently tapping her foot. She’d left Quinn in the safe confines of the library and had made an excuse about needing to speak to a teacher. Instead, she had run down the hallways to outside the room that the football team frequented.
Rachel stood up a straighter as she heard heavy footsteps on the other side of the door and folded her arms tightly. The door was pushed open and out walked Karofsky, flanked on either side by Miller and Azimio. All three stopped as they noticed Rachel glaring at them and looked at her in confusion.
Karofsky stepped forward towards Rachel, amused and said, “Looks like a dwarf decided to pay us a visit, huh guys?” The other two players behind him laughed.
Rachel stepped towards him, closing the gap, and looked up. “I do not know what you gain from bullying others, but I am here to tell you that your tormenting must come to an end. It is horrifying how you chose to harass someone because of their sexuality, or to even harass someone at all because of who they are. I implore you to stop doing so at once and if you do not, I will not be afraid to press charges against all three of you and I will not hesitate in contacting the ACLU.”
Karofsky turned back to the others, both of whom looked extremely confused before looking back at Rachel again with a smirk.
“Is this about Fabray?”
“Yes, it is. Quinn’s personal life is none of your concern and bullying has the potential to cause long-term problems such as a lack of self-esteem and depression, so I must ask you to stop this nonsense immediately,” Rachel said, unwavering.
Karofsky leant forward and looked down at her. “Well, you tell your little friend that we’ll stop once she comes out. Because we ain’t giving up until she does.”
He turned and walked back to the other two, both of whom held up their hands in their air to high-five him.
“I’ll contact the ACLU!” Rachel said threateningly.
The three football players laughed and began walking away.
“Go ahead! It won’t stop us from telling everyone,” Karofsky shouted over his shoulder before he turned a corner.
Feeling tears pricking at the corner of her eyes, Rachel slumped back against the wall and shook her head. She could hear the football players’ laughter bouncing off the walls and wished that she could find a way to make them let Quinn be. She could see how Quinn would tense up just at the mention of the team, how Quinn’s eyes would flicker with fear at every thought of them, how she’d jump as anyone brushed past her.
Rachel just wanted to make Quinn feel safe again but she feared that there might be nothing she could do.
***
Quinn heard a knock at the door and put down the book she was reading.
“Come in!” she called.
Rachel entered the room and bounced onto the bed.
“Have you finished your homework?” she asked.
“Yeah, that essay we had to do for English was killer though; I got so stuck halfway through but it’s done now,” Quinn said, stretching out across the bed.
“Good, because I was wondering if you wanted to hang out?”
“Sure,” Quinn laughed.
“What would you like to do, Quinn?” Rachel asked, unable to contain her excitement. “We could go to the park?”
Quinn beamed at her. “That sounds nice.”
***
Rachel and Quinn sat in a secluded area of the local park, with their arms stretched out behind them and the grass tickling their hands. The last wisps of daylight were blending into the purple sky and the breeze was unusually warm for an evening in Lima. Quinn leant back further and took in a deep breath, letting the soothing air fill her lungs. She found moments like these, which were so simple and ordinary, perfect. In these moments, it was easy to forget.
She turned her head to face Rachel who was looking out into the distance, seemingly deep in thought. “What are you thinking about?”
Rachel turned to Quinn with a dreamy look in her eyes. “Myself.”
Quinn let out a laugh at Rachel’s self-absorbedness. “Wow, you gave a one-word answer; you must really find yourself interesting.”
“Hey!” Rachel said, flicking Quinn’s arm. “There’s a lot I have to process.”
“Like what?” Quinn asked, edging closer.
“My sexuality,” Rachel responded.
If Quinn had been eating something in that moment, she would have choked on it. She quickly sat upright and smoothed her dress as she asked casually, “What about your sexuality?”
“That it’s not as simple as I once thought. Of course, I’ve always had an open idea towards it but I always assumed that I knew who I was. Lately, I’m not so sure.”
Rachel’s equivocal answer left Quinn wanting to push for more. Her heart was beating a little faster and she felt her breath catching in her throat as she asked the next question. “So, you think you’re bisexual?”
“I assume so, Quinn. I’ve recently developed feelings towards a girl so it would be sensible to deduce that I am in fact a bisexual. It’s incredibly interesting.”
Quinn was trying to think of a suitable response when the realisation hit her, hard. A sharp pang of jealously spread through her and she turned away from Rachel so she wouldn’t see her expression. In one sentence Rachel had managed to both make Quinn’s heart skip a beat and then shatter it.
Quinn lowered her eyes to stare at her knees. “I thought you liked Finn.”
Rachel turned back to look at the trees near them, unaware of how Quinn was feeling. “I did like him, once. My attraction to him still confuses me to this day, I must admit. I think that I was more in love with the idea of him, with dating the star quarterback and male lead vocalist, than actually being in love with him. The two feelings were inextricable at the time but upon reflection, I can see that my attraction was merely superficial.”
Quinn was quiet for a moment as she took in the information, her fingers picking idly at the blades of grass beneath her. She stood up and smoothed out her dress again before saying in a low voice, “Rach? Can we go back to yours now?”
Rachel stood up at once and walked over to Quinn, placing her hand on Quinn’s shoulder. “Quinn? Are you alright?”
Quinn avoided Rachel’s eyes. “I’m fine, I’m just tired. So can we go back, please?”
Rachel nodded and studied Quinn with interest for a moment before they both began to walk back in silence.
***
Dear Journal,
Today I found out something about Rachel that should have made my heart sing but instead, it broke me apart. Rachel thinks that she might be bisexual. Great, right? It’s not though, because she has a crush on some girl. Another girl. I don’t know why this is, but having Rachel crush on another girl is a million times worse than her liking a boy. I think it might be because I know there is the possibility that Rachel could like me, but she still doesn’t.
I really need to get over this. Rachel is like my only friend right now and I don’t want to ruin it by being cold towards her or not being able to be around her. The way I felt when she told me… it just hurt so much. I couldn’t even look her in the eyes because I was convinced I’d cry if I did. It was easier on me before, when we didn’t hang out, though I didn’t know it then. Now, we’re always together and we’re talking, sitting really close to each other. She always looks me directly in the eyes when she talks to me and that makes it hard for me to breathe. She moves closer to me and I have to resist the urge to move in even more. It’s getting harder with every day that I spend here; we’re getting closer but not in the way that I really want.
Quinn.
***
Santana stared over at Quinn from across the music room. She felt a wave a guilt crash over her as she glanced at Quinn's hazel eyes. They were just so empty, devoid of any emotion. Santana had known that something was wrong with Quinn for a while but truthfully; she hadn't known how to deal with it. Emotional support just wasn't her strong point and while she wanted to help, she didn't think that she could. And besides, since they'd come back to school, her and Quinn had barely even talked at all.
She rolled her eyes as Mr. Schuester split the club into boys and girls teams to ‘ignite their competitive streak’. She took Brittany’s hand and crossed the floor to join Quinn, Rachel, Mercedes and Tina. Within minutes, Rachel had chosen the song they would be doing and had pulled Brittany and Tina into a corner to choreograph their number.
Santana stepped forward to Quinn, who was staring into the distance at nothing in particular. She cleared her throat before shooting a heavy glance at Mercedes.
Mercedes noticed the look and said quickly, “I’m going to go and see how they’re doing with the choreography, bye guys.” She walked away hastily.
Quinn looked over at Santana uncomfortably and wrapped her arms around herself. Santana took a deep breath and approached the blonde.
"Q, what is up with you?" Santana asked, exasperated
"I don't know what you're talking about," Quinn stated flatly.
"Oh come on, I've known you since elementary school, I know when something's up with you."
"I'm fine, seriously," Quinn said with her eyes on the floor
"Would you just tell me?” Santana snapped her voice laced with concern.
But Quinn kept her eyes glued to the floor, her shoulders tense, and she waited for the inevitable frustrated sigh from Santana.
Santana huffed, right on cue, and waved her arm in vexation.
"Whatever. Why do I even bother?" Santana said under her breath, storming away from Quinn and towards the rest of the group.
***
Rachel felt a tight grip on the back of her sweater as she was pulled into an empty classroom. She let out a yelp and turned to face whoever it was that had grabbed her.
"What are you doing Santana? Have I done something wrong?" Rachel asked, brushing herself down. "Are you going to hit me?" she asked when she saw the angry glare on Santana's face.
"Shut up Berry," Santana said, rolling her eyes.
Santana nodded her head and crossed her arms. "What's up with Quinn?"
"I'm not quite sure what you mean, Santana, but if you are asking what is bothering Quinn, then I can tell you that I do not know."
"Liar," Santana growled. Rachel recoiled a little.
Santana softened. "Look Berry, I know I may seem all cold-hearted and head bitch in charge to you, which is true because I am so totally the HBIC around here, but I do actually care for some people, one of them being Quinn. And I know you know something; you're the only person she seems to be talking to right now and it's getting to me, since she is supposed to be one of my closest friends and all, so just tell me. Now."
"I already told you, I don't know. And, if I may be blunt, it's hardly fair that you call Quinn one of your closest friends when you and her barely interact."
Santana was done playing nice by this point and she leant forward so Rachel stepped backwards and then placed her hands on either side of Rachel's head, trapping her against the wall.
"Don't play dumb with me, Stubbles. And don't question me."
Rachel breathed in deeply and looked up at the taller girl. "You're right Santana, I do know why Quinn has been even more distracted lately and not acting like her usual self. But I have been instructed by her not to tell anyone and I intend on keeping my promise."
Santana glared at her for a minute, brown eyes locked on each other before Santana gave way and stepped back, freeing Rachel.
"Fine. Don't tell me. But I can assure you, I will find out."
Rachel didn't say anything but gave Santana a last look before she turned and walked out of the classroom door.
***
Rachel sat on the sofa in her living room, her head resting on Quinn’s shoulder as they watched a movie. Rachel had suggested a romantic comedy but Quinn had vehemently protested and instead they were watching a mild horror film, which Rachel didn’t appreciate much. She was distracted and played with the buttons of her cardigan when she said, “Santana’s worried about you. She asked me what was wrong with you, but I didn’t tell her, of course.”
Quinn let out an unimpressed huff. “Oh, so now she wants to know what’s wrong.”
Rachel lifted her head off of Quinn’s shoulder and Quinn immediately missed the warmth. Rachel looked up at the blonde in confusion.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Quinn tore her eyes away from the TV. “I’ve been acting ‘different’ since we came back from summer break and she hasn’t said a word to me about it. She ignored me; she completely left me alone. And now that she sees you hanging out with me, she’s jealous and wants to know why.”
“I don’t think it’s like that, Quinn. Santana does care about you,” Rachel said softly.
Quinn folded her arms and looked Rachel in the eyes. “She’s never cared about me.”
“She does care about you,” Rachel repeated indignantly. “Santana simply isn’t very good at conveying her concerns and so wrongly deemed that it would be best for her to not get involved rather than offer you support. Maybe you could talk to her, she is incredibly concerned.”
“Well, we can’t have that, can we?” Quinn said sardonically. She met Rachel’s eyes once more and sighed. “She’ll find out when everyone else finds out, okay? But I am not telling her about my personal problems, she doesn’t deserve to know that sort of thing about me.”
Rachel looked at Quinn for a moment before resting her head back on her shoulder. Quinn wrapped her arm around the brunette and snuggled closer, sighing softly.
“Fine. But if Santana beats me up when I once again refuse to divulge information, I’m blaming you,” Rachel said into Quinn’s neck, her words muffled.
Quinn laughed and wrapped her arm around Rachel tighter. “Don’t worry, I’ll beat her up if she even thinks about doing that to you.”
Rachel giggled and her hot breath hit Quinn’s neck, causing Quinn’s skin to tingle. She settled into Rachel further and gently laid her head against Rachel’s, relishing the moment that was so ordinary and yet so perfect.
***
Quinn stared up at the big blue arrow and hesitated. She turned to Rachel. “I’ll catch up with you, you go first.”
Rachel rolled her eyes and grabbed Quinn’s arm, forcefully pulling her towards the building entrance. Michael and Paul Berry held open the doors and the girls walked through, Quinn’s face marked with trepidation.
Quinn let out a sigh of relief as she observed her surroundings. A small reception area was in front of them, with a large pool table to their left.
“It’s so normal,” she breathed.
Rachel turned to stare at her incredulously. “What on earth did you expect it to be like?”
Quinn tried to answer but felt her words catching in her throat. She blushed as she realised that she didn’t know what she’d been expected, only that for whatever reason, she’d been terrified of going to the centre.
Paul Berry beamed at Quinn. “Me and Michael are going to go into the living room and chat with the kids, do you want to come?”
Quinn turned and looked into the living room in the distance, seeing a dozen or so teenagers chatting with each other. She squirmed.
“Um, can me and Rachel just look around first?” she said, her heart hammering at the thought of talking to the other teenagers.
“Sure, Quinn,” Paul said soothingly before he and Michael waved them a goodbye and headed off towards the living room.
Quinn looked back at Rachel who was grinning widely. “Come on Quinn!” she said and Quinn allowed herself to be pulled towards a rack of leaflets. Rachel finally dropped Quinn’s arm and picked up a leaflet, reading it curiously.
The brunette turned to Quinn and read out, “’Queer and Healthy: Wear a glove if you’re making love!’ This one looks useful!” She held it out to Quinn who subsequently blushed.
“I don’t think I’ll be needing that anytime soon,” she said, pushing Rachel’s hand away.
“Nonsense, practicing safe sex is vital, Quinn,” Rachel responded, thrusting the leaflet into Quinn’s hands.
Rachel turned as she heard laughter coming from the living room and looked at Quinn. “Do you want to go in?”
Quinn lowered her eyes to the floor and shuffled her feet. “Maybe later?” she said, though it was clear she didn’t want to go in at all.
“On second thought, we should hang out here, I want to read all of these leaflets,” Rachel said, motioning to the information rack.
Quinn laughed and they settled down onto some chairs, talking as easily as two friends should.
***
Quinn took one look at her packed bags and flopped backwards onto Rachel's bed with a groan. Rachel immediately jumped onto the bed, kneeling by Quinn's side. She touched Quinn's arm gently. "What's wrong?"
“I don’t want to go back.”
Rachel nodded and leant over Quinn to push some strands of hair away from Quinn’s eyes. “I don’t want you to go either.”
Quinn let out a sigh as Rachel moved down to lie beside her and flung her arm over Quinn’s waist. Quinn reached out and placed her own hand over Rachel’s as they both settled into the comfortable silence.
Just then, Quinn’s phone began to ring. “Quinn, you’re vibrating,” Rachel said with a giggle.
Quinn reached into the pocket of her jeans and glanced at the screen on her phone before ending the call and putting it back in.
“Who was it?” Rachel asked.
“Football team,” Quinn stated.
“Are they still doing that?”
“Every day,” Quinn said with a sigh.
Rachel responded by resting her head in the crook of Quinn’s neck and interlocking her fingers with Quinn’s. “I’m sorry.” Rachel clasped Quinn’s hand tighter. “Just think; it’ll be all over soon.”
Quinn looked at Rachel. “How?”
“Once you tell your parents, they can’t torment you any more.”
Quinn got up and rested on her elbows. “Yeah but then I have to deal with my parents and frankly, I think that’s a thousand times worse than this.”
“You don’t know how they’ll react, Quinn,” Rachel said gently.
Quinn let out a laugh. “Rachel, my parents would rather I get pregnant 50 times before marriage than have me be a lesbian.”
“But you can educate them. You can show them how being gay is just as natural as being straight and how you can keep your faith too. It’ll take some time, but they will come to accept it, just like you have.”
“No. For me, it’s different. I believe in an all-encompassing God who wants people to love and be loved and who doesn’t judge you by who you fall in love with. They believe in a God who will send you to hell unless you adhere to His strict rules. Being gay is a sin to them Rachel, they will never understand.”
“But you can show them Quinn! You can correct whatever misconceptions they have about gay people. You are their daughter, they will come to eventually.”
Quinn got up off the bed and waved her arms in frustration. “That’s not going to happen! Do you not understand? They are going to disown me the minute I tell them! They don’t care that I’m their daughter, that’s apparent by how they kicked me out when I got pregnant. Their morals and their reputation are more important to them than I am, Rachel. It’s always been that way and that’s how it’s always going to be.”
“But you never know until you talk to them, you can help them see-“
Quinn snapped. “Would you just stop, Rachel, seriously? Stop trying to make me feel better about this. Stop pretending that it’s all going to be okay. You don’t get it, do you? My parents will never speak to me again once I tell them. I am going to lose them forever. They’re not like your parents at all, so just stop lying to me! I mean, you think you might be bisexual and you don’t have a worry in the world! Heck, your parents will probably throw you a parade when you tell them! So just stop acting like everything’s fine, because it’s really not. You don’t understand what I’m going through and you never will.”
Rachel stared up at Quinn, speechless. Her eyes were round and shocked and her mouth agape. She tried responding but nothing came out so she looked down at the bed with her eyebrows furrowed.
Quinn immediately felt guilt rush through her but it wasn’t enough to make her apologise because it was losing the battle with the anger, resentment and fear that were brimming at the surface of her skin. So instead, she gave Rachel a long look and walked out of the door.
***
Half an hour later Rachel heard a feeble knock at her door. She said nothing but the bedroom door swung open revealing an embarrassed Quinn.
“Can I come in?” Quinn asked hesitantly.
Rachel smiled at her. “Of course.”
Quinn took a deep breath and walked straight up to Rachel, who was standing near her bookshelf. She looked into Rachel’s eyes and began,
“I’m really sorry for yelling at you Rachel, I-”
"It's all right," Rachel said, cutting her off.
"No, it's not. I shouldn't have snapped. You were being supportive and I was being a bitch.” Quinn looked down, unsure of what to say next.
“You’re right though, Quinn. I can understand your situation from an intellectual level but empathically, I cannot,” Rachel said in a low voice.
Quinn took Rachel’s hand in her own. “Rachel,” she said softly, looking into her eyes. “Maybe you don’t know exactly what I’m going through but so what? You have been the most incredible friend to me recently and I am so grateful for that, really.” She paused and built up the confidence to say the next sentence. “Honestly, I don’t think I could go through this without you.”
Rachel was staring back at Quinn, her expression unreadable. Quinn hoped that Rachel wasn’t upset with her and gave her a weak smile. But then, Rachel’s mouth broke into a wide smile of her own and she leant forward and encapsulated the blonde in her arms. Quinn sighed into the embrace and wrapped her arms around Rachel, realising that she could happily stay in this position for hours. There was just something so comforting about being with Rachel.
They broke off only when Michael knocked on the door and informed them that they had to get ready to leave. The Fabrays had called. Quinn was going home.
***
Fandom: Glee
Paring: Rachel/Quinn
Rating: PG-13
Length: 3931
Spoilers: None, but to be safe, 1st half of the season
Disclaimer: I don't own anything
Summary: Angst. Quinn Fabray is happy living a lie until High School ends. That is, until someone finds out.
Author's Note: Thanks so much again to my beta hymnsuponurlips for correcting my stupid mistakes and for her brilliant ideas :) As always, comments are loved :D
[ one ] [ two ] [ three ]
Rachel stood outside the boys’ locker room, impatiently tapping her foot. She’d left Quinn in the safe confines of the library and had made an excuse about needing to speak to a teacher. Instead, she had run down the hallways to outside the room that the football team frequented.
Rachel stood up a straighter as she heard heavy footsteps on the other side of the door and folded her arms tightly. The door was pushed open and out walked Karofsky, flanked on either side by Miller and Azimio. All three stopped as they noticed Rachel glaring at them and looked at her in confusion.
Karofsky stepped forward towards Rachel, amused and said, “Looks like a dwarf decided to pay us a visit, huh guys?” The other two players behind him laughed.
Rachel stepped towards him, closing the gap, and looked up. “I do not know what you gain from bullying others, but I am here to tell you that your tormenting must come to an end. It is horrifying how you chose to harass someone because of their sexuality, or to even harass someone at all because of who they are. I implore you to stop doing so at once and if you do not, I will not be afraid to press charges against all three of you and I will not hesitate in contacting the ACLU.”
Karofsky turned back to the others, both of whom looked extremely confused before looking back at Rachel again with a smirk.
“Is this about Fabray?”
“Yes, it is. Quinn’s personal life is none of your concern and bullying has the potential to cause long-term problems such as a lack of self-esteem and depression, so I must ask you to stop this nonsense immediately,” Rachel said, unwavering.
Karofsky leant forward and looked down at her. “Well, you tell your little friend that we’ll stop once she comes out. Because we ain’t giving up until she does.”
He turned and walked back to the other two, both of whom held up their hands in their air to high-five him.
“I’ll contact the ACLU!” Rachel said threateningly.
The three football players laughed and began walking away.
“Go ahead! It won’t stop us from telling everyone,” Karofsky shouted over his shoulder before he turned a corner.
Feeling tears pricking at the corner of her eyes, Rachel slumped back against the wall and shook her head. She could hear the football players’ laughter bouncing off the walls and wished that she could find a way to make them let Quinn be. She could see how Quinn would tense up just at the mention of the team, how Quinn’s eyes would flicker with fear at every thought of them, how she’d jump as anyone brushed past her.
Rachel just wanted to make Quinn feel safe again but she feared that there might be nothing she could do.
***
Quinn heard a knock at the door and put down the book she was reading.
“Come in!” she called.
Rachel entered the room and bounced onto the bed.
“Have you finished your homework?” she asked.
“Yeah, that essay we had to do for English was killer though; I got so stuck halfway through but it’s done now,” Quinn said, stretching out across the bed.
“Good, because I was wondering if you wanted to hang out?”
“Sure,” Quinn laughed.
“What would you like to do, Quinn?” Rachel asked, unable to contain her excitement. “We could go to the park?”
Quinn beamed at her. “That sounds nice.”
***
Rachel and Quinn sat in a secluded area of the local park, with their arms stretched out behind them and the grass tickling their hands. The last wisps of daylight were blending into the purple sky and the breeze was unusually warm for an evening in Lima. Quinn leant back further and took in a deep breath, letting the soothing air fill her lungs. She found moments like these, which were so simple and ordinary, perfect. In these moments, it was easy to forget.
She turned her head to face Rachel who was looking out into the distance, seemingly deep in thought. “What are you thinking about?”
Rachel turned to Quinn with a dreamy look in her eyes. “Myself.”
Quinn let out a laugh at Rachel’s self-absorbedness. “Wow, you gave a one-word answer; you must really find yourself interesting.”
“Hey!” Rachel said, flicking Quinn’s arm. “There’s a lot I have to process.”
“Like what?” Quinn asked, edging closer.
“My sexuality,” Rachel responded.
If Quinn had been eating something in that moment, she would have choked on it. She quickly sat upright and smoothed her dress as she asked casually, “What about your sexuality?”
“That it’s not as simple as I once thought. Of course, I’ve always had an open idea towards it but I always assumed that I knew who I was. Lately, I’m not so sure.”
Rachel’s equivocal answer left Quinn wanting to push for more. Her heart was beating a little faster and she felt her breath catching in her throat as she asked the next question. “So, you think you’re bisexual?”
“I assume so, Quinn. I’ve recently developed feelings towards a girl so it would be sensible to deduce that I am in fact a bisexual. It’s incredibly interesting.”
Quinn was trying to think of a suitable response when the realisation hit her, hard. A sharp pang of jealously spread through her and she turned away from Rachel so she wouldn’t see her expression. In one sentence Rachel had managed to both make Quinn’s heart skip a beat and then shatter it.
Quinn lowered her eyes to stare at her knees. “I thought you liked Finn.”
Rachel turned back to look at the trees near them, unaware of how Quinn was feeling. “I did like him, once. My attraction to him still confuses me to this day, I must admit. I think that I was more in love with the idea of him, with dating the star quarterback and male lead vocalist, than actually being in love with him. The two feelings were inextricable at the time but upon reflection, I can see that my attraction was merely superficial.”
Quinn was quiet for a moment as she took in the information, her fingers picking idly at the blades of grass beneath her. She stood up and smoothed out her dress again before saying in a low voice, “Rach? Can we go back to yours now?”
Rachel stood up at once and walked over to Quinn, placing her hand on Quinn’s shoulder. “Quinn? Are you alright?”
Quinn avoided Rachel’s eyes. “I’m fine, I’m just tired. So can we go back, please?”
Rachel nodded and studied Quinn with interest for a moment before they both began to walk back in silence.
***
Dear Journal,
Today I found out something about Rachel that should have made my heart sing but instead, it broke me apart. Rachel thinks that she might be bisexual. Great, right? It’s not though, because she has a crush on some girl. Another girl. I don’t know why this is, but having Rachel crush on another girl is a million times worse than her liking a boy. I think it might be because I know there is the possibility that Rachel could like me, but she still doesn’t.
I really need to get over this. Rachel is like my only friend right now and I don’t want to ruin it by being cold towards her or not being able to be around her. The way I felt when she told me… it just hurt so much. I couldn’t even look her in the eyes because I was convinced I’d cry if I did. It was easier on me before, when we didn’t hang out, though I didn’t know it then. Now, we’re always together and we’re talking, sitting really close to each other. She always looks me directly in the eyes when she talks to me and that makes it hard for me to breathe. She moves closer to me and I have to resist the urge to move in even more. It’s getting harder with every day that I spend here; we’re getting closer but not in the way that I really want.
Quinn.
***
Santana stared over at Quinn from across the music room. She felt a wave a guilt crash over her as she glanced at Quinn's hazel eyes. They were just so empty, devoid of any emotion. Santana had known that something was wrong with Quinn for a while but truthfully; she hadn't known how to deal with it. Emotional support just wasn't her strong point and while she wanted to help, she didn't think that she could. And besides, since they'd come back to school, her and Quinn had barely even talked at all.
She rolled her eyes as Mr. Schuester split the club into boys and girls teams to ‘ignite their competitive streak’. She took Brittany’s hand and crossed the floor to join Quinn, Rachel, Mercedes and Tina. Within minutes, Rachel had chosen the song they would be doing and had pulled Brittany and Tina into a corner to choreograph their number.
Santana stepped forward to Quinn, who was staring into the distance at nothing in particular. She cleared her throat before shooting a heavy glance at Mercedes.
Mercedes noticed the look and said quickly, “I’m going to go and see how they’re doing with the choreography, bye guys.” She walked away hastily.
Quinn looked over at Santana uncomfortably and wrapped her arms around herself. Santana took a deep breath and approached the blonde.
"Q, what is up with you?" Santana asked, exasperated
"I don't know what you're talking about," Quinn stated flatly.
"Oh come on, I've known you since elementary school, I know when something's up with you."
"I'm fine, seriously," Quinn said with her eyes on the floor
"Would you just tell me?” Santana snapped her voice laced with concern.
But Quinn kept her eyes glued to the floor, her shoulders tense, and she waited for the inevitable frustrated sigh from Santana.
Santana huffed, right on cue, and waved her arm in vexation.
"Whatever. Why do I even bother?" Santana said under her breath, storming away from Quinn and towards the rest of the group.
***
Rachel felt a tight grip on the back of her sweater as she was pulled into an empty classroom. She let out a yelp and turned to face whoever it was that had grabbed her.
"What are you doing Santana? Have I done something wrong?" Rachel asked, brushing herself down. "Are you going to hit me?" she asked when she saw the angry glare on Santana's face.
"Shut up Berry," Santana said, rolling her eyes.
Santana nodded her head and crossed her arms. "What's up with Quinn?"
"I'm not quite sure what you mean, Santana, but if you are asking what is bothering Quinn, then I can tell you that I do not know."
"Liar," Santana growled. Rachel recoiled a little.
Santana softened. "Look Berry, I know I may seem all cold-hearted and head bitch in charge to you, which is true because I am so totally the HBIC around here, but I do actually care for some people, one of them being Quinn. And I know you know something; you're the only person she seems to be talking to right now and it's getting to me, since she is supposed to be one of my closest friends and all, so just tell me. Now."
"I already told you, I don't know. And, if I may be blunt, it's hardly fair that you call Quinn one of your closest friends when you and her barely interact."
Santana was done playing nice by this point and she leant forward so Rachel stepped backwards and then placed her hands on either side of Rachel's head, trapping her against the wall.
"Don't play dumb with me, Stubbles. And don't question me."
Rachel breathed in deeply and looked up at the taller girl. "You're right Santana, I do know why Quinn has been even more distracted lately and not acting like her usual self. But I have been instructed by her not to tell anyone and I intend on keeping my promise."
Santana glared at her for a minute, brown eyes locked on each other before Santana gave way and stepped back, freeing Rachel.
"Fine. Don't tell me. But I can assure you, I will find out."
Rachel didn't say anything but gave Santana a last look before she turned and walked out of the classroom door.
***
Rachel sat on the sofa in her living room, her head resting on Quinn’s shoulder as they watched a movie. Rachel had suggested a romantic comedy but Quinn had vehemently protested and instead they were watching a mild horror film, which Rachel didn’t appreciate much. She was distracted and played with the buttons of her cardigan when she said, “Santana’s worried about you. She asked me what was wrong with you, but I didn’t tell her, of course.”
Quinn let out an unimpressed huff. “Oh, so now she wants to know what’s wrong.”
Rachel lifted her head off of Quinn’s shoulder and Quinn immediately missed the warmth. Rachel looked up at the blonde in confusion.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Quinn tore her eyes away from the TV. “I’ve been acting ‘different’ since we came back from summer break and she hasn’t said a word to me about it. She ignored me; she completely left me alone. And now that she sees you hanging out with me, she’s jealous and wants to know why.”
“I don’t think it’s like that, Quinn. Santana does care about you,” Rachel said softly.
Quinn folded her arms and looked Rachel in the eyes. “She’s never cared about me.”
“She does care about you,” Rachel repeated indignantly. “Santana simply isn’t very good at conveying her concerns and so wrongly deemed that it would be best for her to not get involved rather than offer you support. Maybe you could talk to her, she is incredibly concerned.”
“Well, we can’t have that, can we?” Quinn said sardonically. She met Rachel’s eyes once more and sighed. “She’ll find out when everyone else finds out, okay? But I am not telling her about my personal problems, she doesn’t deserve to know that sort of thing about me.”
Rachel looked at Quinn for a moment before resting her head back on her shoulder. Quinn wrapped her arm around the brunette and snuggled closer, sighing softly.
“Fine. But if Santana beats me up when I once again refuse to divulge information, I’m blaming you,” Rachel said into Quinn’s neck, her words muffled.
Quinn laughed and wrapped her arm around Rachel tighter. “Don’t worry, I’ll beat her up if she even thinks about doing that to you.”
Rachel giggled and her hot breath hit Quinn’s neck, causing Quinn’s skin to tingle. She settled into Rachel further and gently laid her head against Rachel’s, relishing the moment that was so ordinary and yet so perfect.
***
Quinn stared up at the big blue arrow and hesitated. She turned to Rachel. “I’ll catch up with you, you go first.”
Rachel rolled her eyes and grabbed Quinn’s arm, forcefully pulling her towards the building entrance. Michael and Paul Berry held open the doors and the girls walked through, Quinn’s face marked with trepidation.
Quinn let out a sigh of relief as she observed her surroundings. A small reception area was in front of them, with a large pool table to their left.
“It’s so normal,” she breathed.
Rachel turned to stare at her incredulously. “What on earth did you expect it to be like?”
Quinn tried to answer but felt her words catching in her throat. She blushed as she realised that she didn’t know what she’d been expected, only that for whatever reason, she’d been terrified of going to the centre.
Paul Berry beamed at Quinn. “Me and Michael are going to go into the living room and chat with the kids, do you want to come?”
Quinn turned and looked into the living room in the distance, seeing a dozen or so teenagers chatting with each other. She squirmed.
“Um, can me and Rachel just look around first?” she said, her heart hammering at the thought of talking to the other teenagers.
“Sure, Quinn,” Paul said soothingly before he and Michael waved them a goodbye and headed off towards the living room.
Quinn looked back at Rachel who was grinning widely. “Come on Quinn!” she said and Quinn allowed herself to be pulled towards a rack of leaflets. Rachel finally dropped Quinn’s arm and picked up a leaflet, reading it curiously.
The brunette turned to Quinn and read out, “’Queer and Healthy: Wear a glove if you’re making love!’ This one looks useful!” She held it out to Quinn who subsequently blushed.
“I don’t think I’ll be needing that anytime soon,” she said, pushing Rachel’s hand away.
“Nonsense, practicing safe sex is vital, Quinn,” Rachel responded, thrusting the leaflet into Quinn’s hands.
Rachel turned as she heard laughter coming from the living room and looked at Quinn. “Do you want to go in?”
Quinn lowered her eyes to the floor and shuffled her feet. “Maybe later?” she said, though it was clear she didn’t want to go in at all.
“On second thought, we should hang out here, I want to read all of these leaflets,” Rachel said, motioning to the information rack.
Quinn laughed and they settled down onto some chairs, talking as easily as two friends should.
***
Quinn took one look at her packed bags and flopped backwards onto Rachel's bed with a groan. Rachel immediately jumped onto the bed, kneeling by Quinn's side. She touched Quinn's arm gently. "What's wrong?"
“I don’t want to go back.”
Rachel nodded and leant over Quinn to push some strands of hair away from Quinn’s eyes. “I don’t want you to go either.”
Quinn let out a sigh as Rachel moved down to lie beside her and flung her arm over Quinn’s waist. Quinn reached out and placed her own hand over Rachel’s as they both settled into the comfortable silence.
Just then, Quinn’s phone began to ring. “Quinn, you’re vibrating,” Rachel said with a giggle.
Quinn reached into the pocket of her jeans and glanced at the screen on her phone before ending the call and putting it back in.
“Who was it?” Rachel asked.
“Football team,” Quinn stated.
“Are they still doing that?”
“Every day,” Quinn said with a sigh.
Rachel responded by resting her head in the crook of Quinn’s neck and interlocking her fingers with Quinn’s. “I’m sorry.” Rachel clasped Quinn’s hand tighter. “Just think; it’ll be all over soon.”
Quinn looked at Rachel. “How?”
“Once you tell your parents, they can’t torment you any more.”
Quinn got up and rested on her elbows. “Yeah but then I have to deal with my parents and frankly, I think that’s a thousand times worse than this.”
“You don’t know how they’ll react, Quinn,” Rachel said gently.
Quinn let out a laugh. “Rachel, my parents would rather I get pregnant 50 times before marriage than have me be a lesbian.”
“But you can educate them. You can show them how being gay is just as natural as being straight and how you can keep your faith too. It’ll take some time, but they will come to accept it, just like you have.”
“No. For me, it’s different. I believe in an all-encompassing God who wants people to love and be loved and who doesn’t judge you by who you fall in love with. They believe in a God who will send you to hell unless you adhere to His strict rules. Being gay is a sin to them Rachel, they will never understand.”
“But you can show them Quinn! You can correct whatever misconceptions they have about gay people. You are their daughter, they will come to eventually.”
Quinn got up off the bed and waved her arms in frustration. “That’s not going to happen! Do you not understand? They are going to disown me the minute I tell them! They don’t care that I’m their daughter, that’s apparent by how they kicked me out when I got pregnant. Their morals and their reputation are more important to them than I am, Rachel. It’s always been that way and that’s how it’s always going to be.”
“But you never know until you talk to them, you can help them see-“
Quinn snapped. “Would you just stop, Rachel, seriously? Stop trying to make me feel better about this. Stop pretending that it’s all going to be okay. You don’t get it, do you? My parents will never speak to me again once I tell them. I am going to lose them forever. They’re not like your parents at all, so just stop lying to me! I mean, you think you might be bisexual and you don’t have a worry in the world! Heck, your parents will probably throw you a parade when you tell them! So just stop acting like everything’s fine, because it’s really not. You don’t understand what I’m going through and you never will.”
Rachel stared up at Quinn, speechless. Her eyes were round and shocked and her mouth agape. She tried responding but nothing came out so she looked down at the bed with her eyebrows furrowed.
Quinn immediately felt guilt rush through her but it wasn’t enough to make her apologise because it was losing the battle with the anger, resentment and fear that were brimming at the surface of her skin. So instead, she gave Rachel a long look and walked out of the door.
***
Half an hour later Rachel heard a feeble knock at her door. She said nothing but the bedroom door swung open revealing an embarrassed Quinn.
“Can I come in?” Quinn asked hesitantly.
Rachel smiled at her. “Of course.”
Quinn took a deep breath and walked straight up to Rachel, who was standing near her bookshelf. She looked into Rachel’s eyes and began,
“I’m really sorry for yelling at you Rachel, I-”
"It's all right," Rachel said, cutting her off.
"No, it's not. I shouldn't have snapped. You were being supportive and I was being a bitch.” Quinn looked down, unsure of what to say next.
“You’re right though, Quinn. I can understand your situation from an intellectual level but empathically, I cannot,” Rachel said in a low voice.
Quinn took Rachel’s hand in her own. “Rachel,” she said softly, looking into her eyes. “Maybe you don’t know exactly what I’m going through but so what? You have been the most incredible friend to me recently and I am so grateful for that, really.” She paused and built up the confidence to say the next sentence. “Honestly, I don’t think I could go through this without you.”
Rachel was staring back at Quinn, her expression unreadable. Quinn hoped that Rachel wasn’t upset with her and gave her a weak smile. But then, Rachel’s mouth broke into a wide smile of her own and she leant forward and encapsulated the blonde in her arms. Quinn sighed into the embrace and wrapped her arms around Rachel, realising that she could happily stay in this position for hours. There was just something so comforting about being with Rachel.
They broke off only when Michael knocked on the door and informed them that they had to get ready to leave. The Fabrays had called. Quinn was going home.
***