insomnia
not to whine, but good christ almighty, if i have to do this on my own it sure would be a fucking plus if i could sleep more than 2 hours a night. im losing my mind. im sure this is an exaggeration but then again one never knows does one? i am keeping myself alive with once upon a times. im keeping myself alive wondering if all of my afflictions and believe you me there are many, are really demons and if i shouldnt just cut to the motherfucking chase and go get an exorcism. i wonder what it feels like not to have any addictions at all. ive been an addict as far as i know since i was... oh.. 19. thats around 6 years or something. math not my strong suit. regardless, all of my adult life will suffice. they all have names, psychiatrists have spoken to me at great length about all of them as i sat in their many offices and glazed my eyes over.
for some reason, i am thinking fondly back on college. walking to class in late fall and winter, switching cigarettes from hand to hand repeatedly when i felt my fingers begin to go numb, making wiseass remarks in psychology with corvino who always signed his emails JC. i wonder if he compares himself with jesus christ or something. he was awesome. breezing through photography due in no small amount that the teacher had a crush on me which i freely took advantage of... id like to go back once i clean up but i fucked it up twice now and dads probably lost all patience with me for never choosing a major, for constantly walking around with a damn compass in my brain spinning madly and searching desperately for some true north to point at.
i watched the butterfly effect the other day a couple of times and it inspired me that perhaps it would have been better for everyone involved if i had been stillborn. deliberately choked myself on my umbilical cord.
jerry, if youre reading this, everything you wrote was exactly what i needed to hear at exactly the right time and i love you, you little fart.
just a few more days.
just a week at the outside.
and then a few hundred years to figure out who the fuck exactly i am and what im doing here.
i want to make peoples lives better.
so far ive done a great job, eh? ha ha.
i miss the DIA. i miss working there with you susie. 2 hour lunch breaks. disguising our foul language directly in front of clientele and doubtless sounding mildly retarded. fuckin. i love it. we managed to turn the word fucking into fdaljrpr. yeah, you try to pronounce it. takes talent, man. mad skill. i miss my job giving makeovers to brides and stuff. its a nice feeling, knowing you are making a woman feel beautiful.
i still play pretend.
i still look around for fairies when i walk around in any sort of woods.
i like to walk on water and climb things and do shit that makes other people yell at me because theyre scared.
im getting through this pretending i am lara croft.
is that gay?
i dont think so somehow.
im not as smart as you think i am.
i am a space cadet. i take pleasure in watching ducktales. i miss my rainbow brite blankie. i bet i could sleep at night if i had my blankie.
i think mentally in a lot of ways i am still 7 years old sitting in rustys living room and playing zelda and mario brothers on the old 8 bit nintendo. playing final fantasy on gameboy. i still like chuck e cheeses. i love carnivals. not because im cool. because im a big dork and i always have been. everyone knew it until i hit about 18 and then i had tits and an ass and i couldnt be a little kid anymore because no boys wanted to be my friends and the girls were mean and different.
im weird. only child syndrome? i doubt it.
i wish i was the girl in Labyrinth. do you know how awesome that would be?
but im 25. im old. i should be thinking about 401Ks and stock options and benefits and a career but
id rather have someone else do that while i sit down with harry potter and pretend im in hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry.
maybe im a hopeless case. i honestly wouldnt mind just living in my own head.
im a badass chainsmoker who goes out of her way to construct a bubble around me that sends out the loud and clear vibe of Do Not Touch And While Youre At It Go Die Somewhere. but im thinking about building a fort out of blankets and pillows and tables like i used to do when i was little.
you can possibly understand why i am so confused and why anyone atartlingly brilliant and talented and cool would look up to me is impossible for me to comprehend.
i think im going to watch nick sleep for a little while.
youre innocent when you dream.
for some reason, i am thinking fondly back on college. walking to class in late fall and winter, switching cigarettes from hand to hand repeatedly when i felt my fingers begin to go numb, making wiseass remarks in psychology with corvino who always signed his emails JC. i wonder if he compares himself with jesus christ or something. he was awesome. breezing through photography due in no small amount that the teacher had a crush on me which i freely took advantage of... id like to go back once i clean up but i fucked it up twice now and dads probably lost all patience with me for never choosing a major, for constantly walking around with a damn compass in my brain spinning madly and searching desperately for some true north to point at.
i watched the butterfly effect the other day a couple of times and it inspired me that perhaps it would have been better for everyone involved if i had been stillborn. deliberately choked myself on my umbilical cord.
jerry, if youre reading this, everything you wrote was exactly what i needed to hear at exactly the right time and i love you, you little fart.
just a few more days.
just a week at the outside.
and then a few hundred years to figure out who the fuck exactly i am and what im doing here.
i want to make peoples lives better.
so far ive done a great job, eh? ha ha.
i miss the DIA. i miss working there with you susie. 2 hour lunch breaks. disguising our foul language directly in front of clientele and doubtless sounding mildly retarded. fuckin. i love it. we managed to turn the word fucking into fdaljrpr. yeah, you try to pronounce it. takes talent, man. mad skill. i miss my job giving makeovers to brides and stuff. its a nice feeling, knowing you are making a woman feel beautiful.
i still play pretend.
i still look around for fairies when i walk around in any sort of woods.
i like to walk on water and climb things and do shit that makes other people yell at me because theyre scared.
im getting through this pretending i am lara croft.
is that gay?
i dont think so somehow.
im not as smart as you think i am.
i am a space cadet. i take pleasure in watching ducktales. i miss my rainbow brite blankie. i bet i could sleep at night if i had my blankie.
i think mentally in a lot of ways i am still 7 years old sitting in rustys living room and playing zelda and mario brothers on the old 8 bit nintendo. playing final fantasy on gameboy. i still like chuck e cheeses. i love carnivals. not because im cool. because im a big dork and i always have been. everyone knew it until i hit about 18 and then i had tits and an ass and i couldnt be a little kid anymore because no boys wanted to be my friends and the girls were mean and different.
im weird. only child syndrome? i doubt it.
i wish i was the girl in Labyrinth. do you know how awesome that would be?
but im 25. im old. i should be thinking about 401Ks and stock options and benefits and a career but
id rather have someone else do that while i sit down with harry potter and pretend im in hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry.
maybe im a hopeless case. i honestly wouldnt mind just living in my own head.
im a badass chainsmoker who goes out of her way to construct a bubble around me that sends out the loud and clear vibe of Do Not Touch And While Youre At It Go Die Somewhere. but im thinking about building a fort out of blankets and pillows and tables like i used to do when i was little.
you can possibly understand why i am so confused and why anyone atartlingly brilliant and talented and cool would look up to me is impossible for me to comprehend.
i think im going to watch nick sleep for a little while.
youre innocent when you dream.