a note from the desk of Scarlet Q Parachute
let me tell you something. it does not come naturally to me at ALL to talk people OUT of suicide. the flip side of that coin is much further up my alley. so this shit is kind of so out of my league.
i dont know. a few months ago, all i wanted was someone to be my friend. so i could have someone to talk to who would listen to me once in a while. nobody really ever did that for me.. now, all i want is someone to be my friend so we can laugh at stupid shit and go see movies and smoke cigarettes and talk about life in general. im just not into feeling sorry for myself anymore. im sick and tired of being sick and tired. i played that card for far too long and you know what it got me? absolutely nothing. a big fat zero. a shitload of hospital bracelets and scars on my body. wonderful.
and the whole poor poor me, im so goddamn emo/in love/tortured/abused it hurts scene was tolerable when i was 17, but im pushing 30 now. and i want to handle my life in an adult fashion. i want to be someone i can be proud of. i want to look in the mirror and pat myself on the back.
and im getting there.
and im offering a hand of friendship to try to pull someone out of this fucking grave she dug for herself, and she just gripped my hand and started yanking me down.
unacceptable.
fuck that shit.
heres something i learned the hard way: if you dont want people to run away from you, stop pushing them so damn hard.
i still love my nick, but i dont even know if my nick is the real nick. theres a nick that exists in my head that i will always love and belong to, but whether or not that nick is in the really real world... i just dont know. i cant force it or change him or make him love me. ive given up trying. its just exhausting, trying so hard to make a person love you and be perfect.
so fuck that shit too.
im going to school for cosmetology, which you know since obviously, whoever you are, you read my shit once in a while, and im excited to be a part of a field that will allow me to not only make women feel self-confident and beautiful and desirable, but i also get to hear stories and play amateur therapist. i always enjoyed doing that, trying to help people out of bad situations. as long as they arent bound and determined to force me into their bad situation, you know what im sayin?
it makes me feel good to make people feel good.
but when you try and try and try and the person just sucks all the energy and effort out of you and gives nothing back, well, thats something else ive learned the hard way. stay far far away.
im working in a salon, so im absorbing the feel of my future career and life. im meeting all kinds of new personalities, which i robbed myself of for years. the only personalities i was acquainted with for a long time were mine and nicks. and theres a lot of people out there in the big big world. a lot. every new voice and quirk and temper is a gift to me. i am in love with everyone i meet.
no, i dont need to bitch and moan and be that sucking chest wound black hole vortex of a girl. it comes more naturally to me to just say something funny and sarcastic and make someone laugh. im concentrating on doing what i need to do to make me a better annmarie. and i think thats the smart decision for a change.
what happens with nick and i... isnt written in stone yet. and that decision doesnt have to be made right now, anyway. he is on the right path for once in his life, but its going to be a long, hard road of self-discovery and hes just started that journey. for that matter, so have i. too bad so sad that we both waited til this late in the game to take the time to realize who we are, but better late than dead from an overdose.
or something like that.
i dont know whats going to happen. i feel blessed to have known him, i always will. i still wear my wedding rings. i suppose i always will. because ill never fall in love again. that sounds like something a high school kid might say after her first big breakup, but i know my own mind and heart, and since he pretty much claimed both, thats the way it is. and im ok with that. ill always love him and he will always have the best of me. and i can live with that. hes got a good heart and a brilliant mind. he will be all right in the end. we all will. no matter what happens, he will survive it. and he will be stronger for it, and better equipped to live his life properly without leaning on and depending on a whole lot of crutches in pill form.
yeah, my dad, well... hes just this person i have to live with right now and we mutually hate each other, so we stay out of each others way. its uncomfortable living with a person who cant stand the sight of you and whom you in turn want to stab to death, but it can be done. im living, walking, talking, breathing proof. you get over the bad things that happen to you or you wallow in self-pity. i chose to get over it. and i didnt need a doctor to tell me that. i didnt need a therapist. it just seems like the choice that makes the most sense to me. he hates me. and thats a hard thing to accept; that the man who gave you life hates you, really hates you and wants to make you suffer. but that can be accepted too. i just stay away from him. god help him if he ever gets drunk in my presence again, though. god help us both.
these are things that are always with me, always in the back of my mind... but im powerless to do anything about them right now, so im trying to focus my energy on the aspects of my life that i CAN improve and alter. im not saying its the best way. im saying its my way.
er... sorry i write so much and so freely. i suppose im sort of laying all my shit all over everyone. but this is for all intents and purposes my journal. and im not forcing anyone to read at gunpoint or anything. im not pulling people aside and shoving my sad sad story down their throats. because thats not my way. i write. it makes me feel smart and wise. so thats how i cope. id never kill myself, though. im not that full of shit. and ultimately, i really do think im a pretty cool person. i dont write about the good i see in myself that often, and i never even used to think it. i always hated myself too much to dare think anything nice. its pretty goddamn amazing, the shit that changes if you just wait and keep your eyes open.
everyone is their own worst critic, but my brain HATED me. now weve sort of made a fragile peace. i hope it lasts.
i hope i can be a good influence and a good friend and a good listener. but honestly, im not exactly a dependable rock of mental stability right now. im just getting through the worst three years of my life and im pretty shaky yet. i cant go back into that hell. i want to be a good friend, but its a two-way street. not one way. not a four-way stop. not an eternal red light. everyone needs a hand once in a while. everyone needs support. a kind word. encouragement. i need people who will willingly give that to me without being told to do so. i need to take a sledgehammer, a big one, to some of these self-constructed walls i have surrounding me. because theres nothing wrong with meeting new friends and having new experiences. you dont have to be locked in this cage. you have the key in your hand. its just a matter of finding the lock. and guarding yourself against possible hurt and pain is all well and good, but when you start shutting the gates on everything, on the good as well as the bad... well... then its time to make a serious re-evaluation of the person youve become. and figure out if thats the person you want to be.
none of this is meant to be cruel or heartless or shitty. you cant accuse me of not understanding, because ive been there. but you cant drag everyone down with you. its not going to do any good at all. im just telling you what helped me. find what you need to help you. amen.
i dont know. a few months ago, all i wanted was someone to be my friend. so i could have someone to talk to who would listen to me once in a while. nobody really ever did that for me.. now, all i want is someone to be my friend so we can laugh at stupid shit and go see movies and smoke cigarettes and talk about life in general. im just not into feeling sorry for myself anymore. im sick and tired of being sick and tired. i played that card for far too long and you know what it got me? absolutely nothing. a big fat zero. a shitload of hospital bracelets and scars on my body. wonderful.
and the whole poor poor me, im so goddamn emo/in love/tortured/abused it hurts scene was tolerable when i was 17, but im pushing 30 now. and i want to handle my life in an adult fashion. i want to be someone i can be proud of. i want to look in the mirror and pat myself on the back.
and im getting there.
and im offering a hand of friendship to try to pull someone out of this fucking grave she dug for herself, and she just gripped my hand and started yanking me down.
unacceptable.
fuck that shit.
heres something i learned the hard way: if you dont want people to run away from you, stop pushing them so damn hard.
i still love my nick, but i dont even know if my nick is the real nick. theres a nick that exists in my head that i will always love and belong to, but whether or not that nick is in the really real world... i just dont know. i cant force it or change him or make him love me. ive given up trying. its just exhausting, trying so hard to make a person love you and be perfect.
so fuck that shit too.
im going to school for cosmetology, which you know since obviously, whoever you are, you read my shit once in a while, and im excited to be a part of a field that will allow me to not only make women feel self-confident and beautiful and desirable, but i also get to hear stories and play amateur therapist. i always enjoyed doing that, trying to help people out of bad situations. as long as they arent bound and determined to force me into their bad situation, you know what im sayin?
it makes me feel good to make people feel good.
but when you try and try and try and the person just sucks all the energy and effort out of you and gives nothing back, well, thats something else ive learned the hard way. stay far far away.
im working in a salon, so im absorbing the feel of my future career and life. im meeting all kinds of new personalities, which i robbed myself of for years. the only personalities i was acquainted with for a long time were mine and nicks. and theres a lot of people out there in the big big world. a lot. every new voice and quirk and temper is a gift to me. i am in love with everyone i meet.
no, i dont need to bitch and moan and be that sucking chest wound black hole vortex of a girl. it comes more naturally to me to just say something funny and sarcastic and make someone laugh. im concentrating on doing what i need to do to make me a better annmarie. and i think thats the smart decision for a change.
what happens with nick and i... isnt written in stone yet. and that decision doesnt have to be made right now, anyway. he is on the right path for once in his life, but its going to be a long, hard road of self-discovery and hes just started that journey. for that matter, so have i. too bad so sad that we both waited til this late in the game to take the time to realize who we are, but better late than dead from an overdose.
or something like that.
i dont know whats going to happen. i feel blessed to have known him, i always will. i still wear my wedding rings. i suppose i always will. because ill never fall in love again. that sounds like something a high school kid might say after her first big breakup, but i know my own mind and heart, and since he pretty much claimed both, thats the way it is. and im ok with that. ill always love him and he will always have the best of me. and i can live with that. hes got a good heart and a brilliant mind. he will be all right in the end. we all will. no matter what happens, he will survive it. and he will be stronger for it, and better equipped to live his life properly without leaning on and depending on a whole lot of crutches in pill form.
yeah, my dad, well... hes just this person i have to live with right now and we mutually hate each other, so we stay out of each others way. its uncomfortable living with a person who cant stand the sight of you and whom you in turn want to stab to death, but it can be done. im living, walking, talking, breathing proof. you get over the bad things that happen to you or you wallow in self-pity. i chose to get over it. and i didnt need a doctor to tell me that. i didnt need a therapist. it just seems like the choice that makes the most sense to me. he hates me. and thats a hard thing to accept; that the man who gave you life hates you, really hates you and wants to make you suffer. but that can be accepted too. i just stay away from him. god help him if he ever gets drunk in my presence again, though. god help us both.
these are things that are always with me, always in the back of my mind... but im powerless to do anything about them right now, so im trying to focus my energy on the aspects of my life that i CAN improve and alter. im not saying its the best way. im saying its my way.
er... sorry i write so much and so freely. i suppose im sort of laying all my shit all over everyone. but this is for all intents and purposes my journal. and im not forcing anyone to read at gunpoint or anything. im not pulling people aside and shoving my sad sad story down their throats. because thats not my way. i write. it makes me feel smart and wise. so thats how i cope. id never kill myself, though. im not that full of shit. and ultimately, i really do think im a pretty cool person. i dont write about the good i see in myself that often, and i never even used to think it. i always hated myself too much to dare think anything nice. its pretty goddamn amazing, the shit that changes if you just wait and keep your eyes open.
everyone is their own worst critic, but my brain HATED me. now weve sort of made a fragile peace. i hope it lasts.
i hope i can be a good influence and a good friend and a good listener. but honestly, im not exactly a dependable rock of mental stability right now. im just getting through the worst three years of my life and im pretty shaky yet. i cant go back into that hell. i want to be a good friend, but its a two-way street. not one way. not a four-way stop. not an eternal red light. everyone needs a hand once in a while. everyone needs support. a kind word. encouragement. i need people who will willingly give that to me without being told to do so. i need to take a sledgehammer, a big one, to some of these self-constructed walls i have surrounding me. because theres nothing wrong with meeting new friends and having new experiences. you dont have to be locked in this cage. you have the key in your hand. its just a matter of finding the lock. and guarding yourself against possible hurt and pain is all well and good, but when you start shutting the gates on everything, on the good as well as the bad... well... then its time to make a serious re-evaluation of the person youve become. and figure out if thats the person you want to be.
none of this is meant to be cruel or heartless or shitty. you cant accuse me of not understanding, because ive been there. but you cant drag everyone down with you. its not going to do any good at all. im just telling you what helped me. find what you need to help you. amen.