(no subject)
it's not that i can't do it. i just don't want to.
why?
because it means that i've lost my grip on myself and life. that i have to redsicover everything. it means redsicovering that i am not as strong and independent as i thought i was; it means cutting everything off that supports me, and then sifting through the mess to find what really matters to me and what or who will really count. the hardest part of all of this is not having you to turn to. not having you or anyone to tell me it'll be okay. not having you to just hug me and kiss me on the forehead when i cry.
i miss the look on your face when you look at me. the one where you are staring at me, just trying to figure out what's going on in my head, and just waiting for me (and maybe even zoning out?). and then when i finally answer, you smile or your eyes light up a little bit, because you're satisfied and happy that i'm giving you feedback. the one that is followed by a kiss on the forehead.
everyone else can judge me. you don't and never really have. i ... really need someone (else) like that.
i really can't hit rock bottom every three years though. this shit is wearing me down. i can't handle it anymore. i need to stop losing myself and changing myself. what has been consistent of myself the last few years? i don't even know.
crappiest christmas ever. craziest year ever. i can either say it was the worst year ever or the beginning of a change. right now i feel like it was the worst year ever. everything fell apart.
why?
because it means that i've lost my grip on myself and life. that i have to redsicover everything. it means redsicovering that i am not as strong and independent as i thought i was; it means cutting everything off that supports me, and then sifting through the mess to find what really matters to me and what or who will really count. the hardest part of all of this is not having you to turn to. not having you or anyone to tell me it'll be okay. not having you to just hug me and kiss me on the forehead when i cry.
i miss the look on your face when you look at me. the one where you are staring at me, just trying to figure out what's going on in my head, and just waiting for me (and maybe even zoning out?). and then when i finally answer, you smile or your eyes light up a little bit, because you're satisfied and happy that i'm giving you feedback. the one that is followed by a kiss on the forehead.
everyone else can judge me. you don't and never really have. i ... really need someone (else) like that.
i really can't hit rock bottom every three years though. this shit is wearing me down. i can't handle it anymore. i need to stop losing myself and changing myself. what has been consistent of myself the last few years? i don't even know.
crappiest christmas ever. craziest year ever. i can either say it was the worst year ever or the beginning of a change. right now i feel like it was the worst year ever. everything fell apart.