There is no such thing as Chaos.
When I let myself become spiritually and emotionally vulnerable after a difficult time, I start blaming outside influences for my current state of existence. It's a vicious cycle - and playing the victim card is never productive. Perhaps I mostly get mad at myself for failing to recognize people and situations in their current state. Disappointment is first projected outwardly at the person who “wronged me”, rather that at myself for my failure to heed warning signs. Red flags always present themselves early on - we just often choose to ignore them and fashion a partial picture that suits our selfish needs.
There is no chaos. All things, both negative and positive, are developed slowly over time before they fully manifest in plain view. There is a Kabbalistic principle that states: A full-grown oak tree does not simply appear in your front yard one day - at some point in the past, a seed was planted. Partial views of a situation always shift to the underlying truth. Sickness can never fully be masked. The reason why happiness always appears to be fleeting and locked in to a chaotic cycle of highs and lows, is because we use cover-up and bandages to conceal our injuries. We proceed to walk on broken legs, lift heavily with strained muscles - hoping that our attempts at temporary fixes will alleviate pressing and persistent ailments. I am making a physical analogy, but in this case, I am referring to our spiritual and emotional well beings.
I have spent the greater part of this lifetime working through the rough spots and addressing issues as they arise. But the issue I have failed to fully recognize and embrace until recently, is that I played into (and believed in) the fantasy of what people want things to be, rather than who they are and where they are at. I idealize people that I respect and love, and I have placed expectations on people and relationships before I have seen any sort of proven consistency on their part. I have readily accepted people's words as if they had proved these claims in action. This is a fatal flaw.
We bring destruction upon ourselves by failing to live in the present, failing to recognize our past mistakes and repeating them, by letting fear and doubts consume us, by being impatient, by being selfish and egocentric, by being rash and jumping to conclusions without the full story... We are our own agents. Letting go is so incredibly hard. We are hard-wired to be selfish from the beginning and we have lifetimes of UNlearning to do. I find evolvement to be cyclical in nature. I have strayed from my chosen path and always return because the desire never goes away. And as it is strengthened, the easier it is to stay on. My most recent relationship has probably taught me more than any other. I was surprised in many ways - both good and bad. But beyond all, I am more acutely aware of myself than I have ever been. I haven’t let go of my anger completely. I suppose that takes time. But at least I feel that I’ve evolved from it and I will be more aware the next time so that hopefully it can sustain a lasting Light.