Life
Things have definitely changed an incredible amount in the past year, two years three. Whatever.
The man I always thought I'd commit myself to in the end is no longer in my life. On my own decisions. It's weird actually. I thought I'd be experiencing everything with him. With tyler, but alas... Different things have happened.
I know before I said I was done over and over but I never really meant it. To be honest, he's my soulmate. I think in another life something must have happened to us because I was always drawn to him and attached to no end. Maybe it's this lifetime that changed everything. Who knows.
I know one thing for sure. I wake up every morning questioning myself and I know that's not how things should be.
I've commit-ed myself to someone else merely by wearing a diamond and gold ring around a finger. Am I truly in love? I guess in a way. I feel comforted knowing that he can provide for me. He can give me what I want when I want it. he loves me, adores me. He's everything I wanted in a man. So why have I been feeling like somethings missing?
I always felt complete with Tyler, unless we were apart then I felt less complete.
Until October. I guess most people would think I just needed one last time to see if I was making the right choice. But the truth is, I probably needed more than just a couple of nights cuddled up to him because now as my life is moving along ( oh so fast, might I add) Something is missing and I'm almost certain it's him. I can't rewind time now and of course my future isn't sealed but in a way it is.
Faster than the seasons changed I re-started a relationship with a man that I had previously dated on one of mine and tylers breaks. we took a break and then I cont. with tyler. then tyler and I broke things off for good. or so I thought. then I dated caleb and adam and then right back to zack.
I know, my love life is sounding like a tele novela. Sorry. =/
Anyway. It probably wasn't the best judgement of my life but now I'm soulbound. I'm officially what I always wanted to be, except, i'm not really what I wanted to be, yet still am at the same time. i know you're confused and am I.
I'm moving to Virginia in March. I guess, if you're reading this you know what happened and you know why I'm leaving.
I just want you to know that I am sorry for everything that happened. I know that sorry doesn't cut it and it never will. I know you're an amazing man and you'll always be the one that got away. I wish I could have just faced my fears about our future and figured things out. It was the hardest day of my life when you came to bring my pillow back. Hearing you cry and hold on to me was rough. I felt like someone was taking a cheese grater and grating my heart into a million tiny pieces. Watching you leave was even harder.
I can't imagine how you feel, or how it felt. I wish I could go back and clean up my mess. I wish I wouldn't have dragged you into all of it because now looking back it was pretty rotten of me. Just because I wanted my cake and I wanted to eat it too.
I just hope that you're okay now. since really I have no idea. I haven't heard from you since October. it's killing me but I have a feeling you're going to be alright.
I know the right girl is out there for you and I'm sorry it couldn't be me.
I loved you and still do love you with every fiber of my being. I hope that someday our lives cross paths again. After the past 6 ? 7? years between us I hope that someday we will find our way back to each other. despite the circumstances, which I'm almost certain you wouldn't forgive me for... although it's not as bad as it could be.
I loved you first. Just remember that and I always will.
To anyone reading this, I hope the world ends in 2012. I know that sounds crazy and depressing and insane. But, I just can't imagine living my entire life with the choice that I have made. To lay in this mans bed. I love him don't get me wrong, but it's not the lifetime love i always pictured. I can't imagine truly growing old with him.
The man I always thought I'd commit myself to in the end is no longer in my life. On my own decisions. It's weird actually. I thought I'd be experiencing everything with him. With tyler, but alas... Different things have happened.
I know before I said I was done over and over but I never really meant it. To be honest, he's my soulmate. I think in another life something must have happened to us because I was always drawn to him and attached to no end. Maybe it's this lifetime that changed everything. Who knows.
I know one thing for sure. I wake up every morning questioning myself and I know that's not how things should be.
I've commit-ed myself to someone else merely by wearing a diamond and gold ring around a finger. Am I truly in love? I guess in a way. I feel comforted knowing that he can provide for me. He can give me what I want when I want it. he loves me, adores me. He's everything I wanted in a man. So why have I been feeling like somethings missing?
I always felt complete with Tyler, unless we were apart then I felt less complete.
Until October. I guess most people would think I just needed one last time to see if I was making the right choice. But the truth is, I probably needed more than just a couple of nights cuddled up to him because now as my life is moving along ( oh so fast, might I add) Something is missing and I'm almost certain it's him. I can't rewind time now and of course my future isn't sealed but in a way it is.
Faster than the seasons changed I re-started a relationship with a man that I had previously dated on one of mine and tylers breaks. we took a break and then I cont. with tyler. then tyler and I broke things off for good. or so I thought. then I dated caleb and adam and then right back to zack.
I know, my love life is sounding like a tele novela. Sorry. =/
Anyway. It probably wasn't the best judgement of my life but now I'm soulbound. I'm officially what I always wanted to be, except, i'm not really what I wanted to be, yet still am at the same time. i know you're confused and am I.
I'm moving to Virginia in March. I guess, if you're reading this you know what happened and you know why I'm leaving.
I just want you to know that I am sorry for everything that happened. I know that sorry doesn't cut it and it never will. I know you're an amazing man and you'll always be the one that got away. I wish I could have just faced my fears about our future and figured things out. It was the hardest day of my life when you came to bring my pillow back. Hearing you cry and hold on to me was rough. I felt like someone was taking a cheese grater and grating my heart into a million tiny pieces. Watching you leave was even harder.
I can't imagine how you feel, or how it felt. I wish I could go back and clean up my mess. I wish I wouldn't have dragged you into all of it because now looking back it was pretty rotten of me. Just because I wanted my cake and I wanted to eat it too.
I just hope that you're okay now. since really I have no idea. I haven't heard from you since October. it's killing me but I have a feeling you're going to be alright.
I know the right girl is out there for you and I'm sorry it couldn't be me.
I loved you and still do love you with every fiber of my being. I hope that someday our lives cross paths again. After the past 6 ? 7? years between us I hope that someday we will find our way back to each other. despite the circumstances, which I'm almost certain you wouldn't forgive me for... although it's not as bad as it could be.
I loved you first. Just remember that and I always will.
To anyone reading this, I hope the world ends in 2012. I know that sounds crazy and depressing and insane. But, I just can't imagine living my entire life with the choice that I have made. To lay in this mans bed. I love him don't get me wrong, but it's not the lifetime love i always pictured. I can't imagine truly growing old with him.