A Comprehensive Guide to Dining Hall Evils
Consider this your comprehensive guide for dining hall cuisine. As a first time student into any institution of “higher edification,” it is of the utmost importance that you learn how to successfully navigate the dining hall of your campus. Think of it as uncharted terrain, that I, your tour guide, will help you to explore and understand. After all, you would not jump out of an airplane without instructions, why explore the hostile, oftentimes inedible circumference of the dining hall without taking in all the appropriate cautions?
Rule Number 1: Beware “Chinese,” and “Thai”
Rule 1A: Keep this rule in mind whenever your school happens to introduce “Pad Thai,” “Chinese Orange Chicken,” or any other dish with the words “Thai” and “Chinese” in the title. Also keep in mind that Pad Thai is not… nor has it ever, been made with spaghetti noodles.
Rule 1B: Now with these so called “Asian” cuisines, you will find “rice.” At least, they call it rice. This rice is more like a sort of cold lumped white mess. Unless they burn it. While some may smile and tell you that it is “sticky rice,” they are wrong. Very wrong.
Rule Number 2: CAUTION - Innovative Sushi Zone
Any sushi that can be kept out on a table all day without refrigeration isn’t real sushi. In fact, chances are, if your school serves sushi and none of it has fish in it - your school doesn’t know what the hell it’s doing and that’s a big sign that you shouldn’t eat it.
Rule Number 3: Carob Does Not Equal Chocolate
For those of you that are unaware of what carob is, allow me to elucidate. The carob tree produces edible seed pods that some believe to taste like sweetened cocoa. However, unlike cocoa, they contain no caffeine or other psychoactive substances. A psychoactive substance is something that temporarily alters your mood, perception, etc. Some believe when you mix these seed pods with butter or palm oil, you can create a chocolate-like taste. This is bullshit. Absolute bullshit, if it says carob and you think it might be a tasty substitute, just go for the icecream machine. Obviously people eat chocolate to get a temporary mood lift and to feel guilty - why cheapen the experience?
Rule Number 4: Stay Away from Sludge
Oops, I meant oatmeal, but at the dining hall they are interchangeable. The oatmeal that dining halls offer is flavorless, colorless, and lumpy - just run away.
Rule Number 5: Tuna and Egg Salad - They’re Not Supposed to Float
If you ever approach the bin where tuna salad and egg salad are and they’re floating in mayonnaise - stay the hell away! They’re not supposed to be floating, it’s a sign that they’ve probably been out so long that the oils have detached. Or they weren’t probably made - just remember, floating is bad.
I hope that you have enjoyed this guide.
I need to start updating more. Shit.
Rule Number 1: Beware “Chinese,” and “Thai”
Rule 1A: Keep this rule in mind whenever your school happens to introduce “Pad Thai,” “Chinese Orange Chicken,” or any other dish with the words “Thai” and “Chinese” in the title. Also keep in mind that Pad Thai is not… nor has it ever, been made with spaghetti noodles.
Rule 1B: Now with these so called “Asian” cuisines, you will find “rice.” At least, they call it rice. This rice is more like a sort of cold lumped white mess. Unless they burn it. While some may smile and tell you that it is “sticky rice,” they are wrong. Very wrong.
Rule Number 2: CAUTION - Innovative Sushi Zone
Any sushi that can be kept out on a table all day without refrigeration isn’t real sushi. In fact, chances are, if your school serves sushi and none of it has fish in it - your school doesn’t know what the hell it’s doing and that’s a big sign that you shouldn’t eat it.
Rule Number 3: Carob Does Not Equal Chocolate
For those of you that are unaware of what carob is, allow me to elucidate. The carob tree produces edible seed pods that some believe to taste like sweetened cocoa. However, unlike cocoa, they contain no caffeine or other psychoactive substances. A psychoactive substance is something that temporarily alters your mood, perception, etc. Some believe when you mix these seed pods with butter or palm oil, you can create a chocolate-like taste. This is bullshit. Absolute bullshit, if it says carob and you think it might be a tasty substitute, just go for the icecream machine. Obviously people eat chocolate to get a temporary mood lift and to feel guilty - why cheapen the experience?
Rule Number 4: Stay Away from Sludge
Oops, I meant oatmeal, but at the dining hall they are interchangeable. The oatmeal that dining halls offer is flavorless, colorless, and lumpy - just run away.
Rule Number 5: Tuna and Egg Salad - They’re Not Supposed to Float
If you ever approach the bin where tuna salad and egg salad are and they’re floating in mayonnaise - stay the hell away! They’re not supposed to be floating, it’s a sign that they’ve probably been out so long that the oils have detached. Or they weren’t probably made - just remember, floating is bad.
I hope that you have enjoyed this guide.
I need to start updating more. Shit.