merlin - a servant of two masters
Whoa, even longer than usual this week. I really loved it! And I seem to be saying that every week, but this series is just a real treat and shaping up to being amazing.
In a land of myth and a time of random mid-shot knightly slow-mo, Arthur, Merlin and the knights are riding along, Merlin merrily bouncing in his seat like an adorable bouncy thing. Merlin is not happy, however, as Arthur is leading them right into the Valley of the Fallen Kings. He stresses his concerns to the king in his Merlinish way, which Percival finds highly amusing in the background. Arthur dismisses Merlin’s fear of something bad happening, saying that they chose the route because it’s a secret…just as a boatload of bandits roar and descend from the hills. Heh.
Well, whattya know, Merlin was right. Arthur tells him not to get cocky, Percival draws his sword, and the actiony stuff is on. In the midst of it all, Merlin uses a bit of magic to save Arthur, and this distracts him long enough for a bad guy to ride past and hit Merlin in the chest with a mace. Oh no! Arthur’s shocked and worried face says it all. Let’s all fret with him during the opening titles.
When we return, Arthur is dragging Merlin around the forest to escape the bad guys. Merlin thinks those guys need to work through their anger. “They just did,” Arthur says, “on you.” Even through his pain, Merlin laughs. Arthur frets.
As it gets darker, Arthur assures Merlin that he’ll be up and polishing armour after a night’s rest, which will be especially handy as he could do with a scrub. I think we all know how badly injured Merlin is at this point, because there is no retort. Arthur inspects the wound and frets some more, but tries to convince Merlin otherwise. “I’ve seen worse. Definitely seen worse.” And he also gets his boxers from K-Mart.
Merlin agrees that Arthur probably has seen worse…on a dead man. “You’re not going to die, Merlin. Don’t be such a coward.” AND THEN ARTHUR PRETTY MUCH DECLARES HIS LOVE FOR MERLIN AND IT IS GLORIOUS:
Merlin: “If I die, will you call me a hero?”
Arthur: “Probably.”
Merlin: “But whilst I’m alive, I’m a coward.”
Arthur: “It’s the way these things work I’m afraid. You get the glory when you’re not around to appreciate it.”
Merlin: “Unless you’re the king.”
Arthur: “Come on, it’s got to have some advantages.”
Merlin: “You have a very good servant.”
Arthur: *gets serious* “You’re right. I do. A servant who’s extremely brave and incredibly loyal and to be honest, not at all cowardly.”
Me: *makes some kind of hybrid sob/squee noise*
Merlin: *gets serious*”Thank you for saving my life.”
Arthur: “You’d do the same for me.” Also I think it was my turn this week.
And then we tastefully fade to black until the next morning, but we ALL know that during that time, there was more fretting and gazing into each other’s eyes and spooning, which Arthur would get all huffy about and say it was just to keep warm as they couldn’t have a fire, and Merlin would indulge him.
Arthur wakes to a noise in the forest other than the chirpy birdsong and decides it’s time to move before they become “mercenary mincemeat” which probably isn’t as delightful as it sounds. Merlin wants Arthur to leave him behind. Arthur throws Merlin over his shoulder and tells him now’s not the time for jokes. BLESS! “Please leave me,” Merlin tries again. “Sure,” Arthur says, adjusting Merlin a little to show his pert behind before heading out, “whatever you say.” Watch this in HD for a hint of Merlins VPL.
WHY do they always seem to get themselves into the sheer-faced rock-lined paths? A mercenary approaches from one end, so Arthur drops Merlin and prepares to fight. Well, it was nice seeing you for an extended length of time, Merlin’s arse, but now we have to get back to the swords and stuff. Arthur quickly finds himself trapped as more men arrive from the other end of the path, and they all pretty much just run past Merlin in pursuit of the king. They’re roaring and numerous, so Merlin does the only think possible, and magically makes some rocks fall in front of Arthur, keeping him safely out of harm’s way. “MERLIN!” Arthur calls, hand stretching helplessly towards him as the rocks fall. It’s beautiful. Merlin barely has time to appreciate it, because the spells drains the last of his energy, and the mercenaries pick him up and take him to….
Morgana! Shocking, I know. Agravaine heads the delivery, himself, but she doesn’t appear pleased with the offering of a lowly servant. She kicks Merlin over onto his back and only this computer screen is stopping me from ripping her milky white throat out right now. Agravaine is quick to defend himself, saying that they nearly had Arthur and the rock fall wasn’t their fault. At least Morgana looks somewhat thoughtful about this news.
Agravaine has to get back to Camelot before anyone notices, especially since Gaius already suspects him. SUSPECTS? Dude, he has you NAILED already. Morgana tells him to run along. “After all, if your true nature is revealed, I really don’t know what use I’ll have for you.” WHY ARE YOU WORKING WITH HER, AGRAVAINE? ARE WE EVER GOING TO GET SOME BACKSTORY? Agravaine nearly starts something, but quickly changes his mind, preparing the “despatch the servant” instead. Hold it right there, buddy! Morgana thinks Merlin might prove useful as “Arthur is strangely fond of the boy.” Didn’t you also learn this last week, Agravaine?
TANGENT: Here’s what I don’t get about Agravaine. How could bringing Morgana to the throne be better for him than just sticking around in Camelot and having Arthur’s ear? Arthur cares about him, as he only remaining family, and listens to his advice, whereas Morgana is unpredictably BATSHIT INSANE and will make his life even worse when she has more power. I guess he could blame Arthur for his sister’s death, maybe, given how many times he brings her up in conversation. But here is my theory (and possibly head canon if we never get an explanation): MORGANA HAS PROMISED TO BRING YGRAINE BACK FROM THE DEAD WHEN SHE IS QUEEN. It’s also probably the only excuse that might make Arthur consider sparing Agravaine’s life when the shit hits the fan. Or maybe he’s just in love with Morgana. Stranger things have happened, I suppose.
Anyway, back to the…HOLY CRAP. Morgana has Merlin chained up in her hovel and has just doused him with a bucket of water. He’s all gasping and dripping and writhing around and I think we can all owe Morgana just a little bit of thanks for the visual. Merlin isn’t quite as happy with the situation as Morgana (and everyone with a pulse who is seeing this) is. “Aw, don’t be like that. We have a lot of catching up to do. After all, I haven’t seen you since you condemned my sister to a slow and painful death, thwarted my plans to take over Camelot and forced me to live in a hovel.” I lol’d. A lot.
Merlin asks Morgana to do him a favour: “Let Arthur know. He still thinks of me as an underachiever but I’m quite proud of those accomplishments. I can die happy.” Today is not Merlin’s day to die, however. Morgana has other plans.
Back in the forest, Leon is pointing his sword about at something, with the rest of the knights backing him up with their knightly manoeuvres to spread out. But Leon has been outwitted as someone pops up behind him. CLANG go the swords! Whoa there, buddy, it’s Arthur! Leon smiles, Arthur says it’s nice to see him too. There’s arm clasping. While Percival and Elyan look at the reunion, Gwaine looks around. I’m going to pretend he’s looking for Merlin, even if nobody says anything.
Back in Camelot, however, Gaius is quick to ask the question. Arthur is confident Merlin is alive, and orders Leon to dispatch patrols. He assures Gaius that they’ll find him. Gaius doesn’t seem so sure.
Morgana tends to Merlin’s wound and they have a nice little chat. She doesn’t understand why Merlin, who is just a servant, is constantly willing to lay down his life for Arthur. Clearly you’re still stuck back in series 3, Morgana, when we used to think the same thing sometimes. It’s much better now - do catch up. Merlin doesn’t expect Morgana to understand as she has no sense of duty or loyalty. “Don’t think I don’t understand loyalty just because I’ve got no-one left to be loyal to.” And with one little line, I got a better sense of Morgana’s character than I have in every episode so far this year. Morgana heals Merlin with a glowy-eyed spell and leaves him to hang prettily. I wholeheartedly approve of this scene.
Agravaine and Leon report back to Arthur after the patrols with bad news. I’d expect this defeatist attitude from Agravaine, but LEON? You wound me. They have scoured the forest, but there is no sign of Merlin, other than what looks like a bit of bloodstained leather from Merlin’s jacket maybe? Arthur’s bottom lip trembles at the sight, and he is not willing to listen to Agravaine’s sympathies for his loss. Everyone in the council is all quiet and awkward, which I LOVE because everyone knows how much Merlin means to Arthur.
Arthur changes the subject to that of the mercenaries. Agravaine says they were probably Allinor’s, but Arthur doesn’t agree, because their secret route was a SECRET, known only to a few within Camelot. Leon can only draw one conclusion from this: “We have a traitor in our midst.” GAIUS LOOKS STRAIGHT AT AGRAVAINE AND NOBODY NOTICES.
Oh good, Morgana has more fine jewellery. This time, it’s a medallion with a multi snake headed creature on it. Another glowy-eyed spell and a bit of flame action, and the medallion turns into an actual multi snake headed creature she calls a Fomorroh. Morgana coos and pets it like it’s a basket of puppies so let’s just look at that for a bit instead.
Or maybe lose the puppy analogy, because then Morgana chops off one of the heads. Ouch! The head lives, however, and another grows back in its place like it’s the magic pudding or something. What? Colin Morgan is in Australia today so I feel justified in making a nostalgic Australian reference.
And if you’re still wondering what the snakey things do, don’t worry, because Morgana is here to explain all. They allow you to control people’s minds. It will “suck the life force out of ” Merlin (*resists any and all jokes at Merlin’s expense*) and everything that makes him Merlin will be gone. Nooooo, don’t you dare suck away the gay, snake monster. All that will be left inside Merlin is one thought that will grow until it has consumed him completely and be his life’s work. Merlin will not be able to rest until…he kills Arthur Pendragon. Dun, dun, duuuuun. As Morgana does her snake thing Merlin is writhing in pain and we get a nice shot of the back of his neck. Sure, a horrible snake is worming its way inside Merlins neck, but I’m still finding it a bit attractive in spite of that. The squelchy sounds, not so much.
Morning in Camelot, and Arthur wakes to find the sun streaming onto his bed. He looks up and, through his sleep-foggy eyes, there’s a figure dressed in familiar red and blue in front of him. Quick, somebody pinch Arthur - he’s dreaming. As consciousness returns to Arthur, so does his sight, and the person is properly revealed. Let’s see. Brown jacket, blue shirt, red scarf? Check! Short dark hair? Check! Cute ears? Check! Cheeky grin? WHO THE FUCK IS THIS PERSON?
Arthur wants to know as well. “I am your new manservant, Sire. I have polished your amour, sharpened your sword, selected your clothes - there is a slight chill in the air today, sir - and now, if you would allow me, I would like to serve you breakfast.” Again, WHO IS THIS GUY AND WHY IS HE TALKING LIKE KRYTEN?
Medieval!Kryten moves over to show Arthur his magnificent breakfast buffet which, okay, may have won me over immediately because I watch this thing early in the morning in my timezone, with only time to make a quick cuppa beforehand, and am usually a bit peckish after ten minutes or so of dedicated squeeing. Arthur’s love for Merlin, however, must be stronger than mine, because he is not taken in at all by this ‘George’ fellow. “But I already have a manservant. All right, he’s shabby looking, has appalling manners, is extremely forgetful and seems to spend most of his time in the tavern, but he is…my manservant. And to be honest, I quite like it that way.” Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! ARTHUR LOVES MERLIN SO VERY MUCH. Oh, George, I may not have a sword or amour, but you are welcome to serve ME breakfast whenever it pleases you.
Also, I like the idea that during the night while Arthur slept, everyone conducted a trial, entitled So You Think You Can Be The King’s Manservant or Camelot’s Next Top Manservant, which George obviously won in a public vote. And then Arthur crushed his dreams.
Speaking of crushed dreams, Gwen is trying to talk Arthur out of going out to search for Merlin. She says she’s as worried about Merlin as much as he is, but her actions kinda speak otherwise. He’s all, stop nagging me, woman, and Gwen reminds him that the patrol has found no sign of Merlin. “Do you really expect me to accept that? Just to sit here and take their word that Merlin’s gone? I won’t rest until I at least try.” FIVE THOUSAND POINTS FOR ARTHUR. Gwen decides to backpedal and try a different track, just asking that he doesn’t go alone. YAY! Gwaine’s got that covered already, and is saddled up and ready to leave. Arthur isn’t as happy about being condemned to a day of mindless chatter as Gwen is. Even Arthur’s horse is a bit dubious.
Oh, Gwaine, I had almost given up on you. So proud right now.
Elsewhere, Merlin wakes up in a bog, covered in mud. It’s ultra-cute and when his shirt ride up and his pants ride down, we discover that Merlin also wears modern underwear.
On the road, Gwaine is merrily chatting away. “You know what I like about Merlin? He never expects any praise. All these things he does just for the good of doing them-“ Hahaha. I like to think that Gwaine did this during the ENTIRE journey. “You know what I like about Merlin? His eyes.” “You know what I like about Merlin? Those LIPS.” “You know what I like about Merlin? That he gives you the last pickled egg in the jar.” Hee. Anyway, Arthur stops Gwaine’s babbling because he has heard a noise in the bushes. “Declare yourself,” he tells the noise, sword pointed, and Merlin appears on the path covered in mud like a cute little chocolate-covered peanut.
“Merlin!” Arthur says, in a delighted, high-pitched voice that makes me squee. “I thought we’d lost you!” And then Arthur moves in for a hug, and I think he’s going to pull back at the last minute with a mud excuse but HE DOESN’T. HE THROWS HIS ARMS AROUND MERLIN AND POSITIVELY BEAMS AND BURIES HIS FACE INTO MERLIN’S MUDDY NECK AND IT IS AMAZING. If only they had lingered on that a little more, I would be the happiest girl in the world right now.
One back in Camelot (hi, cute doggy in the establishing shot of Camelot), the snake appears to have taken effect. (Nothing will convince me that there wasn’t still a lot of the real Merlin left during that hug. He was far too happy for it to be fully possessed snake Merlin. This is what I shall tell myself to sleep at night.) Gaius is serving up some slop and admonishing Merlin for nearly dying and stuff, as his heart can’t take that much strain. “Yes, well you are getting on a bit,” Merlin blithely says. Hee. Then Merlin insults Gaius’ cooking of what is apparently his favourite meal. “I think you should stick to cooking up potions, Gaius. This tastes like the bog Arthur found me in.” I love that they finally give us an evil Merlin and then just shamelessly play it for laughs.
Merlin doesn’t want to talk about how he escaped, except to explain that it was with great skill, and instead wants to talk about the most efficient poison Gauis has. Aconite, apparently, and Merlin decides he should keep it with him from now on. “You never know when you might need to kill someone.” Gaius thinks this over as Merlin leaves. Ahahaha!
In the kitchen, everyone is too busy slaving away to notice that Merlin douses Arthur’s meal with a good splash of poison. He takes a moment to insult the cook’s personal hygiene and cooking, and is on his way. Heh. I want an entire episode in that kitchen. She seems a bit Gordon Ramsay-ish and it would be utterly fascinating.
On the way to Arthur’s rooms, Merlin runs into Gwaine, who is his old friendly self and clearly wants to PLAY. “Ah, Bog Man. I have to say, you’re smelling better.” He removes a glove to pick some food off Arthur’s plate, but Merlin is having none of it. “This is food for the king of Camelot and is not meant to be soiled by your filthy fingers!” Awwww, Gwaine looks adorably hurt and confused. And now we know why the meals Merlin delivers to Arthur might be somewhat lacking - because he feeds all the good-looking men he passes on his way there.
Finally arriving at his destination, Merlin discovers that Gwen is already serving Arthur his meal. “Oh, I might have known,” he seethes. I AM LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Merlin demands to know what’s going on. Arthur helpfully fills him in: “…Lunch?” AHAHAHAHA!
Merlin rounds in on Gwen. “Look, I know you like to take every opportunity to be by his side, but this is just getting ridiculous. You’ll be pouring his bathwater next.” OH GOD, DYING. Arthur wants to know if something is wrong. “THIS is what’s wrong,” he says, and points at the plate in front of Arthur, but we all know what he really means, the jealous little minx. Gwen explains that she was just trying to help and thought Merlin needed some rest. Merlin starts bitching again and switches the plates, so Arthur is forced to step in and switch the plates back. “Oh, yes, well you would take her side, wouldn’t you?” I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN LIVE THROUGH THIS IT IS SO AWESOME.
Arthur, patient to a motherfucking fault, thinks Merlin is just tired after his ordeal and says if Merlin wants to resume normal duties, he’ll be pleased to have his assistance during the knighting ceremony later. Defeated, Merlin makes his exit. But not before one last “I’m watching you” glance back at Gwen. GWEN’S FACE! BRILLIANT! EVIL MERLIN IS THE BEST THING EVER.
Then evil Merlin ditches the plate by tossing it into the pig pen. The piggy - let’s call him Hamelot - is delighted to receive such a delicious gift. Okay, Evil Merlin is suddenly NOT the best thing ever.
Back at Gaius’ Merlin is pacing. Gaius asks if Merlin is all right. Merlin says he’s pacing. Gaius can see that. Merlin says a man who is all right does not pace. That’s why Gaius asked. AHAHAHAHA! Merlin is wrestling with a problem and there are many factors to take into consideration and he has not yet come up with a solution. Gaius offers to help, because sometimes two heads are better than one. “Yes,” Merlin agrees. “But not when one of them is yours.” AHAHAHAHA!
WHO KNEW ASSASINATING THE KING COULD BE SO LULZ-WORTHY?
In the armoury, Leon asks what Merlin is looking for. “Arthur wants a crossbow,” Merlin says with a maniacal grin, fondling a weapon. Leon explains that the crossbow Merlin has is ancient and probably wouldn’t hurt a fly. “If you did want to hurt a fly,” Merlin says, “or even a human, what would you use?” Leon’s eyes light up like a fangirl who’s just found Colin Morgan under the tree on Christmas morning. “Then you would use a thing of beauty like this,” Leon says, and takes a crossbow off the wall. He CRADLES the thing in his hands and gazes at it so lovingly that I blush. Unf, what I wouldn’t give to have Sir Leon look at ME like that. The crossbow has been carved from fifty year old ash and seems to have won over Leon’s heart…that is until he looks up at Merlin’s face. Bugger it, Leon thinks with a smile, let’s make this a threesome. So he hands the crossbow over to Merlin and is totally getting off on the sight of Merlin handling his weapon. Merlin is too, it seems, because suddenly the crossbow goes off like a shot just as Leon gets close to his side. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. This is almost x-rated. It’s an xxx-bow.
“Will that do the job?” Leon asks. Well, it certainly did the job for ME. Woof. Merlin says it will do the job nicely and Leon asks what the job is, exactly. “To kill Arthur,” Merlin answers, cheerfully. “Driving you mad, is he?” Leon asks. Merlin throws the crossbow over one should and takes the bolts. “Not for much longer!” Leon lol’s. HOW IS THIS SO DARN ADORABLE? HE IS TRYING TO KILL ARTHUR AND I CAN’T STOP GIGGLING. Also, I still ship Leon/Merlin.
In Arthur’s room, Merlin is trying to booby-trap Arthur’s closet with the crossbow. There’s something symbolic in that, I’m sure, I just can’t quite think of what it is. He seems pretty proud of his effort and the test run fires perfectly, firing a bolt right into one of Arthur’s bedposts. Arthur chooses that moment to enter, bitching about the knighting ceremony being a waste of time when there’s a traitor to discover. Merlin skilfully pulls the curtain out to hide the crossbolt and Arthur’s still bitching. “Maybe it’s one of the knights who wants to KILL me?” he says, as Merlin pulls out the bolt and returns to the cupboard. “Maybe it’s you,” Arthur adds with a laugh, and when he notices how uncomfortable Merlin looks, feels he should add that he doesn’t REALLY think Merlin wants to kill him. Hee.
Gwen, carrying a basket of leafy produce through the lower town, notices that everyone is standing around the pig pen. She investigates. And there, sitting next to a motionless pair of trotters is Merlin’s half-consumed plate of food. I like how little Hamelot appears to have nibbled the ends off the radishes daintily, rather than scoff the whole thing. And also slice the tomato. RIP, Hamelot. May there be mud to roll in and radishes to nibble on in hog heaven.
Let’s take a moment’s silence to remember.
*sniff*
Gaius inspects what’s left of Hamelot’s lunch. He detects a whiff of aconite, or wolfsbane to Gwen. Well why don’t you just call it wolfsbane, you pompous git? Also, it’s lucky Arthur wasn’t poisoned, or he would have needed Stiles to cut off his arm.
(Every night before I go to sleep, I thank the fandom gods for Stiles Stilinski.)
What was the most deadly poison known to man doing on Arthur’s food, Gwen wants to know. Gaius says Merlin took some earlier. Gwen remembers that Merlin was really angry when Arthur wouldn’t eat the lunch. All adding up now, guys? Gwen doesn’t know why Merlin would want to kill Arthur. He wouldn’t, Gaius says, not if he was in his right mind.
On the way through the castle to find Merlin, Gaius and Gwen encounter Leon. They ask if he’s seen Merlin and Leon recounts his crossbow story (omitting the porny bits), saying that Arthur must be getting on Merlin’s nerves. Why would Leon think this, asks Gwen. Um, because it’s Saturday? Leon leans in and whispers, “He said he was going to kill him,” and then laughs like it’s the funniest thing ever. Hee! He’s probably on his way to tell the rest of the knights the latest episode of The Romance of Arthur and Merlin. It’s their own private soap opera: The Hung and the Breastless.
“What do you think about Percival?” Arthur asks off camera as we watch Merlin set the booby trap up again. “He’s very big,” is Merlin’s response. Heh. Arthur’s not sure if that means he’s a traitor, though. Merlin just wants to know if Arthur is going to get dressed. Clearly, this is NOT the real Merlin. “Have you got somewhere to be?” Arthur asks, peeking around the screen, topless. I vote for Arthur not getting dressed ever again. “Percival’s family were killed by Cenred’s army. He hates everything to do with Morgana.” Merlin says, resigned to the conversation. Wait, did we know that? I can’t remember if that was just fanon or not. Regardless, Arthur agrees and says that he is wrong to doubt Percival, getting a bit emo as he pauses at his cupboard. The snake wriggles in Merlin’s neck and Merlin tells Arthur he must get dressed. Arthur is too distracted trying to figure out who the traitor is to notice that SOMETHING IS CLEARLY WRONG WITH MERLIN. He opens the door, now talking about suspecting Elyan, and…nothing happens. Ha! Arthur has someone other than Merlin looking out for him, it seems.
“Maybe he’s concerned about my relationship with Guinevere,” Arthur thinks out loud, while Merlin does a little frustrated dance behind his back. When Arthur goes back behind the screen, Merlin opens the cupboard to check. Thwang! Bolt fired back into the bedpost. It’s going to look like there really IS woodworm soon! Meanwhile, Arthur is still considering Elyan. “My father killed his father.” Good point, Arthur. It’s just a shame the real Merlin isn’t around to witness you using your brain and actually remembering past events. Once dressed, Arthur asks if Merlin could fetch his ceremonial sword. Merlin’s eyes light up, but for once, it’s at the thought of an ACTUAL sword.
“I find it hard to believe that Elyan would think ill of me, but…I can’t trust anyone.” In fact, Arthur thinks Merlin is the only person he can trust…and says so, just as Merlin is about to slice him in half from behind. Heh. Just in the nick of time, Gaius and Gwen barge their way into the room, shocked at the sight of Merlin with the sword raised behind Arthur. Somehow, when Merlin runs at Arthur, he ends up slamming into one side of the arch, bouncing to the other, and falling flat on his face with a clang. Arthur just pauses, picks up his sword, looks at Merlin sprawled there, then continues on his way. Ahahahaha! Once he’s gone, quick-thinking Gwen takes the opportunity to knock Merlin out with a massive jug. No, not HER jugs, an actual silver one. *ducks*
Team Gaius and Gwen have Merlin unconscious and are researching. Gaius finds what he suspected - that Merlin has been infected with a Fomorroh. His book tells us “the Fomorroh is a many headed snake useful for imbuing the victim with an irresistible compulsion so desired by the enchanter and sapping the victim of any independent will.” Pretty much what Morgana said, but with less gloating.
First, Gaius temporarily paralyses the snakey thing with a dab of a poultice. Handy. Then comes the tricky part - getting the little sucker out of Merlin’s pretty neck. A few cute icky faces from Gwen later, and it’s out! Well, that was easy. A little too easy, perhaps? Gwen is pleased to have the old Merlin back as this means Arthur is safe once more. Ugh.
Elsewhere, Arthur pays Agravaine a visit. He’s got his serious face on as he confronts Agravaine about how the mercenaries discovered their secret route. Really like how the beam of light through the window is shining on Arthur, while Agravaine is in the shadows. Arthur has concluded that none of the knights had the opportunity to betray him and only three councillors knew of the treaty (oh, so that’s what they were doing? Must have missed that earlier) and of those three, only Agravaine knew of the route. Agravaine swears his innocence, saying that Arthur is all he has left of his sister and to betray Arthur would be to betray her. He’s good. Even I believe him, and I know he DID it. Sidenote: Arthur looks absolutely gorgeous here. Just in case there’s still some doubt, Agravaine reminds Arthur that Gaius also knew everything. Arthur is silent (and still hot, unf.)
The next morning, Gaius is woken by Merlin cheerfully emerging from his room and packing up some bottles. Gaius asks what Merlin remembers. “About what?” Okay, so that’s a big nothing, then. It’s a shame, Merlin, you missed out on some great Arthur moments. Merlin merrily turns around to put on his jacket and…Y HALLO THAR SNAKEY THING.
Arthur is removing his clothes behind his screen, which we can watch for the time being thanks to the camera angle. While baring his beautiful body, he is also baring his soul to Merlin, who is filling up the bath. “My father prepared me well for being King, but he told me nothing of the loneliness of the job. What it’s like to have all eyes on you, waiting for you to provide the answer. In all the years I watched him, he never wavered from his certainty. He was strong, he was sure. And I’m not in that place yet.” Oh, Arthur, he was also clearly WRONG and you will be better for your uncertainty. During this speech, the camera switches before we see any of the good stuff, and Merlin puts some kind of bubbling potion in the bath. Something tells me it’s not Mr Matey.
The tension mounts as Arthur takes off more clothes, Gaius and Gwen make their way to the rescue, Merlin melts a frickin’ sword in the bath, and Arthur keeps on talking. “I value the guidance of others. But maybe I have been foolish to do so. Everyone has their own agenda. It feels like I can trust no-one anymore.” *hugs Arthur* So this is what happens when Merlin doesn’t speak - Arthur just keeps talking and talking until he’s emotionally as well as physically naked. Also, if the water melts the sword, why isn’t it melting the tub?
Arriving just in time, Gwen knocks Merlin out with her trusty jug again (hee!) and Gaius sneaks him behind the bedpost, just before an utterly starkers Arthur steps out from the screen. “Is that how you see it, Merlin…? GUINEVERE!” Please excuse me while I pause this for a bit.
Quickly discovering that his hands are not enough to protect his modesty, Arthur grabs a cushion while Gwen briefly averts her eyes. He calmly acknowledges Gaius, who is peeking out from behind the bedpost. Ahahaha! He astutely notices that Gwen is not Merlin, and Gwen makes up some excuse about there being a problem with the bath water, which Merlin is out remedying. When Arthur goes to check the temperature, Gwen, panic-stricken, has to forcefully tell Arthur that she doesn’t think he can have a bath today. Well, at least Arthur knows when to back away from the crazy. “Right. Good job I’m not very dirty, then.” Oh, Arthur, I have never felt more dirty. Gwen agrees with Arthur enthusiastically and she and Gaius have crazy smiles and nervous laughter aplenty. Arthur chooses to make a tactical retreat and reverses behind the screen.
Merlin is back on the operating table as Gaius explains that he never believed the stories of another snake growing in the place of the one that’s killed until he saw it with his own eyes. So they just paralyse it without killing it this time, in order to have a chat with the real Merlin. We can tell it’s the real Merlin because he thinks the smelling salts smell like Arthur’s socks. Merlin is confused. And also a little woozy. Get some food into him stat!
Wolfing down berries, Merlin says the last thing he remembers is Morgana conjuring the snake. Aw, not even the hug? Damnit, boys. Anyway, Gaius says it’s lucky Merlin is such a bad assassin. Hee! All is hunky dory while the snake is snoozing, but when it wakes in a day or so, they’re back to Merlin’s bumbling assassination attempts. The only way to get rid of it for good (the snake, not Arthur) is to kill the mother beast. That’s okay, Merlin has a plan. And that plan involves turning into an eighty year old man. Again. Gaius asks what excuse he should give Arthur. “Tell him I’m anywhere,” Merlin says. “Anywhere but the tavern.” Ahahahahahaha!
Once he’s sufficiently down the road from Camelot, Merlin dismounts and takes a brief trip behind a tree to transform. When Old Merlin returns, he discovers that eighty year old limbs are not flexible enough to mount a horse. And who should come strolling along at this moment, but our favourite knights of Camelot. “Ah, gentlemen. What a pleasant surprise.” Leon wishes they could say the same. Aw, Leon, don’t be like that. Leon politely asks Old Merlin to move away from the horse. “What lovely manners,” Merlin says. “I do admire a man who says ‘please’.” Ahahaha! Even when one of them is in disguise, I ship it.
When Leon gets a bit more forceful, Merlin decides to follow his request. He looks Percival up and down hilariously and asks if he got bigger. “You’ll be getting shorter, if I have my way,” Percival answers. Ahahhaha! Even Merlin admits he likes that one, before turning back to his knightly love. “Leon, really, there must be something in the knight’s code about how to treat an old man.” But Leon knows that this isn’t just any old man, and Gwaine decides to add his two coins worth, telling Old Merlin that he escaped the flames once, and will not escape them again. Merlin shushes him and says, “And you are not what you seem.” Ooh, BURN, Merlin. We’re talking nobility here, I suppose?
Gwaine isn’t too happy about this and draws his sword, threatening to run Merlin through. Leon stops him, thinking Arthur might want to see the old man alive. Oh no, Merlin stresses, Arthur doesn’t want to see him. “In fact, if Arthur does see me, he will be in very grave danger.” That’s enough for Elyan to draw the last sword. Somehow, when I imagined the knights standing in a circle around Merlin with their swords out, this wasn’t quite it. Percival pokes Merlin (*titters*). “Percival! That is a sword, it does hurt.” Hee! Merlin reiterates, and he’s not lying, that if they don’t let him go, there’s every chance he will KILL THEIR KING.
“Say that again,” Gwaine demands. “Why,” Merlin asks, “have you got ale in your ears?” Oy, Merlin, why so mean to Gwaine more than the others? Has something happened between the two of you? Gwaine roars and lunges, so Merlin knocks him out with magic, then breaks Percival’s sword in half, and magically makes Leon and Percival stick together, chest to chest. IT IS AMAZING. After a pause to ramp up the sexual tension, Merlin sends them flying into Elyan, so they form a convenient, groggy and highly attractive step ladder, allowing Merlin to mount his horse. AHAHAHAHAHA! Merlin is still chuckling as he rides away. Merlin, you are a GENIUS.
Agravaine returns to the hovel to bring “enticing” news of how he planted the seed of doubt about Gaius in Arthur’s head. Morgana isn’t too impressed, as she was hoping for news of death or at the very least, pain, not plotlines for future episodes. She writes “could do better” on Agravaine’s report card.
Merlin arrives to see Agravaine leaving, and when Morgana takes a walk in the opposite direction, it’s the perfect time for some snake hunting! He’s still poking around the hovel when Morgana returns with firewood. She takes one look at Old Merlin and hightails it right back out the door. Ahahahaha! Merlin just shrugs and keeps looking. Ahahahahahaha, what?
Steeling herself, Morgana creeps back in, telling herself that the old man is just a figment of her imagination. Merlin is content to let her believe this and just keeps on searching. Jackpot! The snake monster is swimming around in a jar. Merlin grabs the jar, and Morgana thinks he might be real afterwards, moving towards him. So she’s sent flying across the room for her troubles.
Merlin makes a run for it, but Morgana’s youthful legs catch up with him quickly. There’s some back and forth spellcasting, Morgana calls him Emrys, and nearly wins by distracting Merlin with talk of bringing magic to Camelot. Luckily, Merlin has a whirlwind spell in his arsenal. It takes a lot out of him, but it’s enough to knock Morgana out long enough to take the snake monster and escape somewhere to burn it. Yay!
Gaius finishes removing the last little snake baby from Merlin’s neck just as Gwen arrives. She’s happy to see Merlin, but a bit concerned. Merlin tells her not to worry, as he is snake-free and has no desire to kill Arthur. “That’s great news, Gwen says. “Although I’m afraid right now he does want to kill you.”
Cut to Arthur’s fingers on his knob as he gazes at Merlin. Okay, calm down, Arthurs fingers are drumming impatiently on the knob of his chair. “Two whole days in the tavern,” he says. GAIUS, THINK UP ANOTHER EXCUSE. Merlin isn’t quite sure it was that long. Arthur wants one good reason why he shouldn’t get rid of Merlin on the spot. Merlin has PLENTY. “Because you’d have no-one to polish your armour, make you breakfast, organise your clothes…” Ah, Arthur says, that’s where Merlin’s wrong.
Merlin, meet George. Arthur says George is perhaps the most efficient servant he has ever seen, and if Merlin wishes to remain in Arthur’s service, George will be spending the next week teaching him. “We will start in the armoury,” George says, still using the awesome Kryten voice. “Lesson one is my favourite - polishing.” ARTHUR CANNOT HIDE HIS GLORIOUS SMIRK. “Yes,” Merlin says. “It’s my favourite, too.” NOW I AM SMIRKING LIKE A LOON. George gestures for Merlin to follow him out of the room, but Merlin pauses at the door and has one last question for Arthur.
“Tell me something,” Merlin says, and Arthur KNOWS he has been found out. “If he’s so good, why don’t you just give him the job?” What are we expecting here? A blustery response from Arthur? Maybe just ignore Merlin or outright lie? Nope. “He’s seriously boring. I’ve never met anyone so dull. The man makes jokes about brass.” Hee! Merlin is befuddled by this. I even googled ‘brass joke’ but all I got was trumpet humour. I wanna hear George’s brass jokes, preferably while he’s serving me breakfast. “Anyway,” Arthur says cheerfully “off you go. It’ll be fun!”
Merlin’s fake smile: My desire to kill you has suddenly returned
Arthur’s fake smile: You are so cute when you’re pretending to hate me.
My real smile: CUTEST BOYS EVER.
Agravaine thunders to Morgana’s hovel and finds the place is utter disarray. He finds Morgana still unconscious where Merlin left her. His face! Damnit, it really does seem like he loves her. And as Agravaine carries Morgana back to her hovel, and I am left as confused as ever about them, the episode ends.
Next Week: Gaius is abducted and tortured to reveal the identity of Emrys, while everyone thinks he’s a traitor. Merlin and Gwaine ride off together to find him!!!! Gwaine fights a half-naked guy for Merlin!!!! I don’t really care about the Morgana side of things - I shall be tuning in for the (hopefully) welcome return of Merlin and Gwaine’s friendship. \o/
In a land of myth and a time of random mid-shot knightly slow-mo, Arthur, Merlin and the knights are riding along, Merlin merrily bouncing in his seat like an adorable bouncy thing. Merlin is not happy, however, as Arthur is leading them right into the Valley of the Fallen Kings. He stresses his concerns to the king in his Merlinish way, which Percival finds highly amusing in the background. Arthur dismisses Merlin’s fear of something bad happening, saying that they chose the route because it’s a secret…just as a boatload of bandits roar and descend from the hills. Heh.
Well, whattya know, Merlin was right. Arthur tells him not to get cocky, Percival draws his sword, and the actiony stuff is on. In the midst of it all, Merlin uses a bit of magic to save Arthur, and this distracts him long enough for a bad guy to ride past and hit Merlin in the chest with a mace. Oh no! Arthur’s shocked and worried face says it all. Let’s all fret with him during the opening titles.
When we return, Arthur is dragging Merlin around the forest to escape the bad guys. Merlin thinks those guys need to work through their anger. “They just did,” Arthur says, “on you.” Even through his pain, Merlin laughs. Arthur frets.
As it gets darker, Arthur assures Merlin that he’ll be up and polishing armour after a night’s rest, which will be especially handy as he could do with a scrub. I think we all know how badly injured Merlin is at this point, because there is no retort. Arthur inspects the wound and frets some more, but tries to convince Merlin otherwise. “I’ve seen worse. Definitely seen worse.” And he also gets his boxers from K-Mart.
Click to viewMerlin agrees that Arthur probably has seen worse…on a dead man. “You’re not going to die, Merlin. Don’t be such a coward.” AND THEN ARTHUR PRETTY MUCH DECLARES HIS LOVE FOR MERLIN AND IT IS GLORIOUS:
Merlin: “If I die, will you call me a hero?”
Arthur: “Probably.”
Merlin: “But whilst I’m alive, I’m a coward.”
Arthur: “It’s the way these things work I’m afraid. You get the glory when you’re not around to appreciate it.”
Merlin: “Unless you’re the king.”
Arthur: “Come on, it’s got to have some advantages.”
Merlin: “You have a very good servant.”
Arthur: *gets serious* “You’re right. I do. A servant who’s extremely brave and incredibly loyal and to be honest, not at all cowardly.”
Me: *makes some kind of hybrid sob/squee noise*
Merlin: *gets serious*”Thank you for saving my life.”
Arthur: “You’d do the same for me.” Also I think it was my turn this week.
And then we tastefully fade to black until the next morning, but we ALL know that during that time, there was more fretting and gazing into each other’s eyes and spooning, which Arthur would get all huffy about and say it was just to keep warm as they couldn’t have a fire, and Merlin would indulge him.
Arthur wakes to a noise in the forest other than the chirpy birdsong and decides it’s time to move before they become “mercenary mincemeat” which probably isn’t as delightful as it sounds. Merlin wants Arthur to leave him behind. Arthur throws Merlin over his shoulder and tells him now’s not the time for jokes. BLESS! “Please leave me,” Merlin tries again. “Sure,” Arthur says, adjusting Merlin a little to show his pert behind before heading out, “whatever you say.” Watch this in HD for a hint of Merlins VPL.
WHY do they always seem to get themselves into the sheer-faced rock-lined paths? A mercenary approaches from one end, so Arthur drops Merlin and prepares to fight. Well, it was nice seeing you for an extended length of time, Merlin’s arse, but now we have to get back to the swords and stuff. Arthur quickly finds himself trapped as more men arrive from the other end of the path, and they all pretty much just run past Merlin in pursuit of the king. They’re roaring and numerous, so Merlin does the only think possible, and magically makes some rocks fall in front of Arthur, keeping him safely out of harm’s way. “MERLIN!” Arthur calls, hand stretching helplessly towards him as the rocks fall. It’s beautiful. Merlin barely has time to appreciate it, because the spells drains the last of his energy, and the mercenaries pick him up and take him to….
Morgana! Shocking, I know. Agravaine heads the delivery, himself, but she doesn’t appear pleased with the offering of a lowly servant. She kicks Merlin over onto his back and only this computer screen is stopping me from ripping her milky white throat out right now. Agravaine is quick to defend himself, saying that they nearly had Arthur and the rock fall wasn’t their fault. At least Morgana looks somewhat thoughtful about this news.
Agravaine has to get back to Camelot before anyone notices, especially since Gaius already suspects him. SUSPECTS? Dude, he has you NAILED already. Morgana tells him to run along. “After all, if your true nature is revealed, I really don’t know what use I’ll have for you.” WHY ARE YOU WORKING WITH HER, AGRAVAINE? ARE WE EVER GOING TO GET SOME BACKSTORY? Agravaine nearly starts something, but quickly changes his mind, preparing the “despatch the servant” instead. Hold it right there, buddy! Morgana thinks Merlin might prove useful as “Arthur is strangely fond of the boy.” Didn’t you also learn this last week, Agravaine?
TANGENT: Here’s what I don’t get about Agravaine. How could bringing Morgana to the throne be better for him than just sticking around in Camelot and having Arthur’s ear? Arthur cares about him, as he only remaining family, and listens to his advice, whereas Morgana is unpredictably BATSHIT INSANE and will make his life even worse when she has more power. I guess he could blame Arthur for his sister’s death, maybe, given how many times he brings her up in conversation. But here is my theory (and possibly head canon if we never get an explanation): MORGANA HAS PROMISED TO BRING YGRAINE BACK FROM THE DEAD WHEN SHE IS QUEEN. It’s also probably the only excuse that might make Arthur consider sparing Agravaine’s life when the shit hits the fan. Or maybe he’s just in love with Morgana. Stranger things have happened, I suppose.
Anyway, back to the…HOLY CRAP. Morgana has Merlin chained up in her hovel and has just doused him with a bucket of water. He’s all gasping and dripping and writhing around and I think we can all owe Morgana just a little bit of thanks for the visual. Merlin isn’t quite as happy with the situation as Morgana (and everyone with a pulse who is seeing this) is. “Aw, don’t be like that. We have a lot of catching up to do. After all, I haven’t seen you since you condemned my sister to a slow and painful death, thwarted my plans to take over Camelot and forced me to live in a hovel.” I lol’d. A lot.
Merlin asks Morgana to do him a favour: “Let Arthur know. He still thinks of me as an underachiever but I’m quite proud of those accomplishments. I can die happy.” Today is not Merlin’s day to die, however. Morgana has other plans.
Back in the forest, Leon is pointing his sword about at something, with the rest of the knights backing him up with their knightly manoeuvres to spread out. But Leon has been outwitted as someone pops up behind him. CLANG go the swords! Whoa there, buddy, it’s Arthur! Leon smiles, Arthur says it’s nice to see him too. There’s arm clasping. While Percival and Elyan look at the reunion, Gwaine looks around. I’m going to pretend he’s looking for Merlin, even if nobody says anything.
Back in Camelot, however, Gaius is quick to ask the question. Arthur is confident Merlin is alive, and orders Leon to dispatch patrols. He assures Gaius that they’ll find him. Gaius doesn’t seem so sure.
Morgana tends to Merlin’s wound and they have a nice little chat. She doesn’t understand why Merlin, who is just a servant, is constantly willing to lay down his life for Arthur. Clearly you’re still stuck back in series 3, Morgana, when we used to think the same thing sometimes. It’s much better now - do catch up. Merlin doesn’t expect Morgana to understand as she has no sense of duty or loyalty. “Don’t think I don’t understand loyalty just because I’ve got no-one left to be loyal to.” And with one little line, I got a better sense of Morgana’s character than I have in every episode so far this year. Morgana heals Merlin with a glowy-eyed spell and leaves him to hang prettily. I wholeheartedly approve of this scene.
Agravaine and Leon report back to Arthur after the patrols with bad news. I’d expect this defeatist attitude from Agravaine, but LEON? You wound me. They have scoured the forest, but there is no sign of Merlin, other than what looks like a bit of bloodstained leather from Merlin’s jacket maybe? Arthur’s bottom lip trembles at the sight, and he is not willing to listen to Agravaine’s sympathies for his loss. Everyone in the council is all quiet and awkward, which I LOVE because everyone knows how much Merlin means to Arthur.
Arthur changes the subject to that of the mercenaries. Agravaine says they were probably Allinor’s, but Arthur doesn’t agree, because their secret route was a SECRET, known only to a few within Camelot. Leon can only draw one conclusion from this: “We have a traitor in our midst.” GAIUS LOOKS STRAIGHT AT AGRAVAINE AND NOBODY NOTICES.
Oh good, Morgana has more fine jewellery. This time, it’s a medallion with a multi snake headed creature on it. Another glowy-eyed spell and a bit of flame action, and the medallion turns into an actual multi snake headed creature she calls a Fomorroh. Morgana coos and pets it like it’s a basket of puppies so let’s just look at that for a bit instead.
Or maybe lose the puppy analogy, because then Morgana chops off one of the heads. Ouch! The head lives, however, and another grows back in its place like it’s the magic pudding or something. What? Colin Morgan is in Australia today so I feel justified in making a nostalgic Australian reference.
And if you’re still wondering what the snakey things do, don’t worry, because Morgana is here to explain all. They allow you to control people’s minds. It will “suck the life force out of ” Merlin (*resists any and all jokes at Merlin’s expense*) and everything that makes him Merlin will be gone. Nooooo, don’t you dare suck away the gay, snake monster. All that will be left inside Merlin is one thought that will grow until it has consumed him completely and be his life’s work. Merlin will not be able to rest until…he kills Arthur Pendragon. Dun, dun, duuuuun. As Morgana does her snake thing Merlin is writhing in pain and we get a nice shot of the back of his neck. Sure, a horrible snake is worming its way inside Merlins neck, but I’m still finding it a bit attractive in spite of that. The squelchy sounds, not so much.
Morning in Camelot, and Arthur wakes to find the sun streaming onto his bed. He looks up and, through his sleep-foggy eyes, there’s a figure dressed in familiar red and blue in front of him. Quick, somebody pinch Arthur - he’s dreaming. As consciousness returns to Arthur, so does his sight, and the person is properly revealed. Let’s see. Brown jacket, blue shirt, red scarf? Check! Short dark hair? Check! Cute ears? Check! Cheeky grin? WHO THE FUCK IS THIS PERSON?
Arthur wants to know as well. “I am your new manservant, Sire. I have polished your amour, sharpened your sword, selected your clothes - there is a slight chill in the air today, sir - and now, if you would allow me, I would like to serve you breakfast.” Again, WHO IS THIS GUY AND WHY IS HE TALKING LIKE KRYTEN?
Medieval!Kryten moves over to show Arthur his magnificent breakfast buffet which, okay, may have won me over immediately because I watch this thing early in the morning in my timezone, with only time to make a quick cuppa beforehand, and am usually a bit peckish after ten minutes or so of dedicated squeeing. Arthur’s love for Merlin, however, must be stronger than mine, because he is not taken in at all by this ‘George’ fellow. “But I already have a manservant. All right, he’s shabby looking, has appalling manners, is extremely forgetful and seems to spend most of his time in the tavern, but he is…my manservant. And to be honest, I quite like it that way.” Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! ARTHUR LOVES MERLIN SO VERY MUCH. Oh, George, I may not have a sword or amour, but you are welcome to serve ME breakfast whenever it pleases you.
Also, I like the idea that during the night while Arthur slept, everyone conducted a trial, entitled So You Think You Can Be The King’s Manservant or Camelot’s Next Top Manservant, which George obviously won in a public vote. And then Arthur crushed his dreams.
Speaking of crushed dreams, Gwen is trying to talk Arthur out of going out to search for Merlin. She says she’s as worried about Merlin as much as he is, but her actions kinda speak otherwise. He’s all, stop nagging me, woman, and Gwen reminds him that the patrol has found no sign of Merlin. “Do you really expect me to accept that? Just to sit here and take their word that Merlin’s gone? I won’t rest until I at least try.” FIVE THOUSAND POINTS FOR ARTHUR. Gwen decides to backpedal and try a different track, just asking that he doesn’t go alone. YAY! Gwaine’s got that covered already, and is saddled up and ready to leave. Arthur isn’t as happy about being condemned to a day of mindless chatter as Gwen is. Even Arthur’s horse is a bit dubious.
Oh, Gwaine, I had almost given up on you. So proud right now.
Elsewhere, Merlin wakes up in a bog, covered in mud. It’s ultra-cute and when his shirt ride up and his pants ride down, we discover that Merlin also wears modern underwear.
On the road, Gwaine is merrily chatting away. “You know what I like about Merlin? He never expects any praise. All these things he does just for the good of doing them-“ Hahaha. I like to think that Gwaine did this during the ENTIRE journey. “You know what I like about Merlin? His eyes.” “You know what I like about Merlin? Those LIPS.” “You know what I like about Merlin? That he gives you the last pickled egg in the jar.” Hee. Anyway, Arthur stops Gwaine’s babbling because he has heard a noise in the bushes. “Declare yourself,” he tells the noise, sword pointed, and Merlin appears on the path covered in mud like a cute little chocolate-covered peanut.
“Merlin!” Arthur says, in a delighted, high-pitched voice that makes me squee. “I thought we’d lost you!” And then Arthur moves in for a hug, and I think he’s going to pull back at the last minute with a mud excuse but HE DOESN’T. HE THROWS HIS ARMS AROUND MERLIN AND POSITIVELY BEAMS AND BURIES HIS FACE INTO MERLIN’S MUDDY NECK AND IT IS AMAZING. If only they had lingered on that a little more, I would be the happiest girl in the world right now.
One back in Camelot (hi, cute doggy in the establishing shot of Camelot), the snake appears to have taken effect. (Nothing will convince me that there wasn’t still a lot of the real Merlin left during that hug. He was far too happy for it to be fully possessed snake Merlin. This is what I shall tell myself to sleep at night.) Gaius is serving up some slop and admonishing Merlin for nearly dying and stuff, as his heart can’t take that much strain. “Yes, well you are getting on a bit,” Merlin blithely says. Hee. Then Merlin insults Gaius’ cooking of what is apparently his favourite meal. “I think you should stick to cooking up potions, Gaius. This tastes like the bog Arthur found me in.” I love that they finally give us an evil Merlin and then just shamelessly play it for laughs.
Merlin doesn’t want to talk about how he escaped, except to explain that it was with great skill, and instead wants to talk about the most efficient poison Gauis has. Aconite, apparently, and Merlin decides he should keep it with him from now on. “You never know when you might need to kill someone.” Gaius thinks this over as Merlin leaves. Ahahaha!
In the kitchen, everyone is too busy slaving away to notice that Merlin douses Arthur’s meal with a good splash of poison. He takes a moment to insult the cook’s personal hygiene and cooking, and is on his way. Heh. I want an entire episode in that kitchen. She seems a bit Gordon Ramsay-ish and it would be utterly fascinating.
On the way to Arthur’s rooms, Merlin runs into Gwaine, who is his old friendly self and clearly wants to PLAY. “Ah, Bog Man. I have to say, you’re smelling better.” He removes a glove to pick some food off Arthur’s plate, but Merlin is having none of it. “This is food for the king of Camelot and is not meant to be soiled by your filthy fingers!” Awwww, Gwaine looks adorably hurt and confused. And now we know why the meals Merlin delivers to Arthur might be somewhat lacking - because he feeds all the good-looking men he passes on his way there.
Finally arriving at his destination, Merlin discovers that Gwen is already serving Arthur his meal. “Oh, I might have known,” he seethes. I AM LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Merlin demands to know what’s going on. Arthur helpfully fills him in: “…Lunch?” AHAHAHAHA!
Merlin rounds in on Gwen. “Look, I know you like to take every opportunity to be by his side, but this is just getting ridiculous. You’ll be pouring his bathwater next.” OH GOD, DYING. Arthur wants to know if something is wrong. “THIS is what’s wrong,” he says, and points at the plate in front of Arthur, but we all know what he really means, the jealous little minx. Gwen explains that she was just trying to help and thought Merlin needed some rest. Merlin starts bitching again and switches the plates, so Arthur is forced to step in and switch the plates back. “Oh, yes, well you would take her side, wouldn’t you?” I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN LIVE THROUGH THIS IT IS SO AWESOME.
Arthur, patient to a motherfucking fault, thinks Merlin is just tired after his ordeal and says if Merlin wants to resume normal duties, he’ll be pleased to have his assistance during the knighting ceremony later. Defeated, Merlin makes his exit. But not before one last “I’m watching you” glance back at Gwen. GWEN’S FACE! BRILLIANT! EVIL MERLIN IS THE BEST THING EVER.
Then evil Merlin ditches the plate by tossing it into the pig pen. The piggy - let’s call him Hamelot - is delighted to receive such a delicious gift. Okay, Evil Merlin is suddenly NOT the best thing ever.
Back at Gaius’ Merlin is pacing. Gaius asks if Merlin is all right. Merlin says he’s pacing. Gaius can see that. Merlin says a man who is all right does not pace. That’s why Gaius asked. AHAHAHAHA! Merlin is wrestling with a problem and there are many factors to take into consideration and he has not yet come up with a solution. Gaius offers to help, because sometimes two heads are better than one. “Yes,” Merlin agrees. “But not when one of them is yours.” AHAHAHAHA!
WHO KNEW ASSASINATING THE KING COULD BE SO LULZ-WORTHY?
In the armoury, Leon asks what Merlin is looking for. “Arthur wants a crossbow,” Merlin says with a maniacal grin, fondling a weapon. Leon explains that the crossbow Merlin has is ancient and probably wouldn’t hurt a fly. “If you did want to hurt a fly,” Merlin says, “or even a human, what would you use?” Leon’s eyes light up like a fangirl who’s just found Colin Morgan under the tree on Christmas morning. “Then you would use a thing of beauty like this,” Leon says, and takes a crossbow off the wall. He CRADLES the thing in his hands and gazes at it so lovingly that I blush. Unf, what I wouldn’t give to have Sir Leon look at ME like that. The crossbow has been carved from fifty year old ash and seems to have won over Leon’s heart…that is until he looks up at Merlin’s face. Bugger it, Leon thinks with a smile, let’s make this a threesome. So he hands the crossbow over to Merlin and is totally getting off on the sight of Merlin handling his weapon. Merlin is too, it seems, because suddenly the crossbow goes off like a shot just as Leon gets close to his side. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. This is almost x-rated. It’s an xxx-bow.
“Will that do the job?” Leon asks. Well, it certainly did the job for ME. Woof. Merlin says it will do the job nicely and Leon asks what the job is, exactly. “To kill Arthur,” Merlin answers, cheerfully. “Driving you mad, is he?” Leon asks. Merlin throws the crossbow over one should and takes the bolts. “Not for much longer!” Leon lol’s. HOW IS THIS SO DARN ADORABLE? HE IS TRYING TO KILL ARTHUR AND I CAN’T STOP GIGGLING. Also, I still ship Leon/Merlin.
In Arthur’s room, Merlin is trying to booby-trap Arthur’s closet with the crossbow. There’s something symbolic in that, I’m sure, I just can’t quite think of what it is. He seems pretty proud of his effort and the test run fires perfectly, firing a bolt right into one of Arthur’s bedposts. Arthur chooses that moment to enter, bitching about the knighting ceremony being a waste of time when there’s a traitor to discover. Merlin skilfully pulls the curtain out to hide the crossbolt and Arthur’s still bitching. “Maybe it’s one of the knights who wants to KILL me?” he says, as Merlin pulls out the bolt and returns to the cupboard. “Maybe it’s you,” Arthur adds with a laugh, and when he notices how uncomfortable Merlin looks, feels he should add that he doesn’t REALLY think Merlin wants to kill him. Hee.
Gwen, carrying a basket of leafy produce through the lower town, notices that everyone is standing around the pig pen. She investigates. And there, sitting next to a motionless pair of trotters is Merlin’s half-consumed plate of food. I like how little Hamelot appears to have nibbled the ends off the radishes daintily, rather than scoff the whole thing. And also slice the tomato. RIP, Hamelot. May there be mud to roll in and radishes to nibble on in hog heaven.
Let’s take a moment’s silence to remember.
*sniff*
Gaius inspects what’s left of Hamelot’s lunch. He detects a whiff of aconite, or wolfsbane to Gwen. Well why don’t you just call it wolfsbane, you pompous git? Also, it’s lucky Arthur wasn’t poisoned, or he would have needed Stiles to cut off his arm.
(Every night before I go to sleep, I thank the fandom gods for Stiles Stilinski.)
What was the most deadly poison known to man doing on Arthur’s food, Gwen wants to know. Gaius says Merlin took some earlier. Gwen remembers that Merlin was really angry when Arthur wouldn’t eat the lunch. All adding up now, guys? Gwen doesn’t know why Merlin would want to kill Arthur. He wouldn’t, Gaius says, not if he was in his right mind.
On the way through the castle to find Merlin, Gaius and Gwen encounter Leon. They ask if he’s seen Merlin and Leon recounts his crossbow story (omitting the porny bits), saying that Arthur must be getting on Merlin’s nerves. Why would Leon think this, asks Gwen. Um, because it’s Saturday? Leon leans in and whispers, “He said he was going to kill him,” and then laughs like it’s the funniest thing ever. Hee! He’s probably on his way to tell the rest of the knights the latest episode of The Romance of Arthur and Merlin. It’s their own private soap opera: The Hung and the Breastless.
“What do you think about Percival?” Arthur asks off camera as we watch Merlin set the booby trap up again. “He’s very big,” is Merlin’s response. Heh. Arthur’s not sure if that means he’s a traitor, though. Merlin just wants to know if Arthur is going to get dressed. Clearly, this is NOT the real Merlin. “Have you got somewhere to be?” Arthur asks, peeking around the screen, topless. I vote for Arthur not getting dressed ever again. “Percival’s family were killed by Cenred’s army. He hates everything to do with Morgana.” Merlin says, resigned to the conversation. Wait, did we know that? I can’t remember if that was just fanon or not. Regardless, Arthur agrees and says that he is wrong to doubt Percival, getting a bit emo as he pauses at his cupboard. The snake wriggles in Merlin’s neck and Merlin tells Arthur he must get dressed. Arthur is too distracted trying to figure out who the traitor is to notice that SOMETHING IS CLEARLY WRONG WITH MERLIN. He opens the door, now talking about suspecting Elyan, and…nothing happens. Ha! Arthur has someone other than Merlin looking out for him, it seems.
“Maybe he’s concerned about my relationship with Guinevere,” Arthur thinks out loud, while Merlin does a little frustrated dance behind his back. When Arthur goes back behind the screen, Merlin opens the cupboard to check. Thwang! Bolt fired back into the bedpost. It’s going to look like there really IS woodworm soon! Meanwhile, Arthur is still considering Elyan. “My father killed his father.” Good point, Arthur. It’s just a shame the real Merlin isn’t around to witness you using your brain and actually remembering past events. Once dressed, Arthur asks if Merlin could fetch his ceremonial sword. Merlin’s eyes light up, but for once, it’s at the thought of an ACTUAL sword.
“I find it hard to believe that Elyan would think ill of me, but…I can’t trust anyone.” In fact, Arthur thinks Merlin is the only person he can trust…and says so, just as Merlin is about to slice him in half from behind. Heh. Just in the nick of time, Gaius and Gwen barge their way into the room, shocked at the sight of Merlin with the sword raised behind Arthur. Somehow, when Merlin runs at Arthur, he ends up slamming into one side of the arch, bouncing to the other, and falling flat on his face with a clang. Arthur just pauses, picks up his sword, looks at Merlin sprawled there, then continues on his way. Ahahahaha! Once he’s gone, quick-thinking Gwen takes the opportunity to knock Merlin out with a massive jug. No, not HER jugs, an actual silver one. *ducks*
Team Gaius and Gwen have Merlin unconscious and are researching. Gaius finds what he suspected - that Merlin has been infected with a Fomorroh. His book tells us “the Fomorroh is a many headed snake useful for imbuing the victim with an irresistible compulsion so desired by the enchanter and sapping the victim of any independent will.” Pretty much what Morgana said, but with less gloating.
First, Gaius temporarily paralyses the snakey thing with a dab of a poultice. Handy. Then comes the tricky part - getting the little sucker out of Merlin’s pretty neck. A few cute icky faces from Gwen later, and it’s out! Well, that was easy. A little too easy, perhaps? Gwen is pleased to have the old Merlin back as this means Arthur is safe once more. Ugh.
Elsewhere, Arthur pays Agravaine a visit. He’s got his serious face on as he confronts Agravaine about how the mercenaries discovered their secret route. Really like how the beam of light through the window is shining on Arthur, while Agravaine is in the shadows. Arthur has concluded that none of the knights had the opportunity to betray him and only three councillors knew of the treaty (oh, so that’s what they were doing? Must have missed that earlier) and of those three, only Agravaine knew of the route. Agravaine swears his innocence, saying that Arthur is all he has left of his sister and to betray Arthur would be to betray her. He’s good. Even I believe him, and I know he DID it. Sidenote: Arthur looks absolutely gorgeous here. Just in case there’s still some doubt, Agravaine reminds Arthur that Gaius also knew everything. Arthur is silent (and still hot, unf.)
The next morning, Gaius is woken by Merlin cheerfully emerging from his room and packing up some bottles. Gaius asks what Merlin remembers. “About what?” Okay, so that’s a big nothing, then. It’s a shame, Merlin, you missed out on some great Arthur moments. Merlin merrily turns around to put on his jacket and…Y HALLO THAR SNAKEY THING.
Arthur is removing his clothes behind his screen, which we can watch for the time being thanks to the camera angle. While baring his beautiful body, he is also baring his soul to Merlin, who is filling up the bath. “My father prepared me well for being King, but he told me nothing of the loneliness of the job. What it’s like to have all eyes on you, waiting for you to provide the answer. In all the years I watched him, he never wavered from his certainty. He was strong, he was sure. And I’m not in that place yet.” Oh, Arthur, he was also clearly WRONG and you will be better for your uncertainty. During this speech, the camera switches before we see any of the good stuff, and Merlin puts some kind of bubbling potion in the bath. Something tells me it’s not Mr Matey.
The tension mounts as Arthur takes off more clothes, Gaius and Gwen make their way to the rescue, Merlin melts a frickin’ sword in the bath, and Arthur keeps on talking. “I value the guidance of others. But maybe I have been foolish to do so. Everyone has their own agenda. It feels like I can trust no-one anymore.” *hugs Arthur* So this is what happens when Merlin doesn’t speak - Arthur just keeps talking and talking until he’s emotionally as well as physically naked. Also, if the water melts the sword, why isn’t it melting the tub?
Arriving just in time, Gwen knocks Merlin out with her trusty jug again (hee!) and Gaius sneaks him behind the bedpost, just before an utterly starkers Arthur steps out from the screen. “Is that how you see it, Merlin…? GUINEVERE!” Please excuse me while I pause this for a bit.
Quickly discovering that his hands are not enough to protect his modesty, Arthur grabs a cushion while Gwen briefly averts her eyes. He calmly acknowledges Gaius, who is peeking out from behind the bedpost. Ahahaha! He astutely notices that Gwen is not Merlin, and Gwen makes up some excuse about there being a problem with the bath water, which Merlin is out remedying. When Arthur goes to check the temperature, Gwen, panic-stricken, has to forcefully tell Arthur that she doesn’t think he can have a bath today. Well, at least Arthur knows when to back away from the crazy. “Right. Good job I’m not very dirty, then.” Oh, Arthur, I have never felt more dirty. Gwen agrees with Arthur enthusiastically and she and Gaius have crazy smiles and nervous laughter aplenty. Arthur chooses to make a tactical retreat and reverses behind the screen.
Merlin is back on the operating table as Gaius explains that he never believed the stories of another snake growing in the place of the one that’s killed until he saw it with his own eyes. So they just paralyse it without killing it this time, in order to have a chat with the real Merlin. We can tell it’s the real Merlin because he thinks the smelling salts smell like Arthur’s socks. Merlin is confused. And also a little woozy. Get some food into him stat!
Wolfing down berries, Merlin says the last thing he remembers is Morgana conjuring the snake. Aw, not even the hug? Damnit, boys. Anyway, Gaius says it’s lucky Merlin is such a bad assassin. Hee! All is hunky dory while the snake is snoozing, but when it wakes in a day or so, they’re back to Merlin’s bumbling assassination attempts. The only way to get rid of it for good (the snake, not Arthur) is to kill the mother beast. That’s okay, Merlin has a plan. And that plan involves turning into an eighty year old man. Again. Gaius asks what excuse he should give Arthur. “Tell him I’m anywhere,” Merlin says. “Anywhere but the tavern.” Ahahahahahaha!
Once he’s sufficiently down the road from Camelot, Merlin dismounts and takes a brief trip behind a tree to transform. When Old Merlin returns, he discovers that eighty year old limbs are not flexible enough to mount a horse. And who should come strolling along at this moment, but our favourite knights of Camelot. “Ah, gentlemen. What a pleasant surprise.” Leon wishes they could say the same. Aw, Leon, don’t be like that. Leon politely asks Old Merlin to move away from the horse. “What lovely manners,” Merlin says. “I do admire a man who says ‘please’.” Ahahaha! Even when one of them is in disguise, I ship it.
When Leon gets a bit more forceful, Merlin decides to follow his request. He looks Percival up and down hilariously and asks if he got bigger. “You’ll be getting shorter, if I have my way,” Percival answers. Ahahhaha! Even Merlin admits he likes that one, before turning back to his knightly love. “Leon, really, there must be something in the knight’s code about how to treat an old man.” But Leon knows that this isn’t just any old man, and Gwaine decides to add his two coins worth, telling Old Merlin that he escaped the flames once, and will not escape them again. Merlin shushes him and says, “And you are not what you seem.” Ooh, BURN, Merlin. We’re talking nobility here, I suppose?
Gwaine isn’t too happy about this and draws his sword, threatening to run Merlin through. Leon stops him, thinking Arthur might want to see the old man alive. Oh no, Merlin stresses, Arthur doesn’t want to see him. “In fact, if Arthur does see me, he will be in very grave danger.” That’s enough for Elyan to draw the last sword. Somehow, when I imagined the knights standing in a circle around Merlin with their swords out, this wasn’t quite it. Percival pokes Merlin (*titters*). “Percival! That is a sword, it does hurt.” Hee! Merlin reiterates, and he’s not lying, that if they don’t let him go, there’s every chance he will KILL THEIR KING.
“Say that again,” Gwaine demands. “Why,” Merlin asks, “have you got ale in your ears?” Oy, Merlin, why so mean to Gwaine more than the others? Has something happened between the two of you? Gwaine roars and lunges, so Merlin knocks him out with magic, then breaks Percival’s sword in half, and magically makes Leon and Percival stick together, chest to chest. IT IS AMAZING. After a pause to ramp up the sexual tension, Merlin sends them flying into Elyan, so they form a convenient, groggy and highly attractive step ladder, allowing Merlin to mount his horse. AHAHAHAHAHA! Merlin is still chuckling as he rides away. Merlin, you are a GENIUS.
Agravaine returns to the hovel to bring “enticing” news of how he planted the seed of doubt about Gaius in Arthur’s head. Morgana isn’t too impressed, as she was hoping for news of death or at the very least, pain, not plotlines for future episodes. She writes “could do better” on Agravaine’s report card.
Merlin arrives to see Agravaine leaving, and when Morgana takes a walk in the opposite direction, it’s the perfect time for some snake hunting! He’s still poking around the hovel when Morgana returns with firewood. She takes one look at Old Merlin and hightails it right back out the door. Ahahahaha! Merlin just shrugs and keeps looking. Ahahahahahaha, what?
Steeling herself, Morgana creeps back in, telling herself that the old man is just a figment of her imagination. Merlin is content to let her believe this and just keeps on searching. Jackpot! The snake monster is swimming around in a jar. Merlin grabs the jar, and Morgana thinks he might be real afterwards, moving towards him. So she’s sent flying across the room for her troubles.
Merlin makes a run for it, but Morgana’s youthful legs catch up with him quickly. There’s some back and forth spellcasting, Morgana calls him Emrys, and nearly wins by distracting Merlin with talk of bringing magic to Camelot. Luckily, Merlin has a whirlwind spell in his arsenal. It takes a lot out of him, but it’s enough to knock Morgana out long enough to take the snake monster and escape somewhere to burn it. Yay!
Gaius finishes removing the last little snake baby from Merlin’s neck just as Gwen arrives. She’s happy to see Merlin, but a bit concerned. Merlin tells her not to worry, as he is snake-free and has no desire to kill Arthur. “That’s great news, Gwen says. “Although I’m afraid right now he does want to kill you.”
Cut to Arthur’s fingers on his knob as he gazes at Merlin. Okay, calm down, Arthurs fingers are drumming impatiently on the knob of his chair. “Two whole days in the tavern,” he says. GAIUS, THINK UP ANOTHER EXCUSE. Merlin isn’t quite sure it was that long. Arthur wants one good reason why he shouldn’t get rid of Merlin on the spot. Merlin has PLENTY. “Because you’d have no-one to polish your armour, make you breakfast, organise your clothes…” Ah, Arthur says, that’s where Merlin’s wrong.
Merlin, meet George. Arthur says George is perhaps the most efficient servant he has ever seen, and if Merlin wishes to remain in Arthur’s service, George will be spending the next week teaching him. “We will start in the armoury,” George says, still using the awesome Kryten voice. “Lesson one is my favourite - polishing.” ARTHUR CANNOT HIDE HIS GLORIOUS SMIRK. “Yes,” Merlin says. “It’s my favourite, too.” NOW I AM SMIRKING LIKE A LOON. George gestures for Merlin to follow him out of the room, but Merlin pauses at the door and has one last question for Arthur.
“Tell me something,” Merlin says, and Arthur KNOWS he has been found out. “If he’s so good, why don’t you just give him the job?” What are we expecting here? A blustery response from Arthur? Maybe just ignore Merlin or outright lie? Nope. “He’s seriously boring. I’ve never met anyone so dull. The man makes jokes about brass.” Hee! Merlin is befuddled by this. I even googled ‘brass joke’ but all I got was trumpet humour. I wanna hear George’s brass jokes, preferably while he’s serving me breakfast. “Anyway,” Arthur says cheerfully “off you go. It’ll be fun!”
Merlin’s fake smile: My desire to kill you has suddenly returned
Arthur’s fake smile: You are so cute when you’re pretending to hate me.
My real smile: CUTEST BOYS EVER.
Agravaine thunders to Morgana’s hovel and finds the place is utter disarray. He finds Morgana still unconscious where Merlin left her. His face! Damnit, it really does seem like he loves her. And as Agravaine carries Morgana back to her hovel, and I am left as confused as ever about them, the episode ends.
Next Week: Gaius is abducted and tortured to reveal the identity of Emrys, while everyone thinks he’s a traitor. Merlin and Gwaine ride off together to find him!!!! Gwaine fights a half-naked guy for Merlin!!!! I don’t really care about the Morgana side of things - I shall be tuning in for the (hopefully) welcome return of Merlin and Gwaine’s friendship. \o/