The same, or not?
Curious how I feel about the way I'm acting, of late. I'm doing all my usual things... living my life as per usual, just sitting at home doin' my own thang, and dropping in on stephen or snowy periodically to say hi and hang out for a few days. As it usually is. There's rarely anything planned, and those things that are, I show up to - gaming tomorrow, for instance, and the anime-fest preceeding it. In short, I'm being my usual, isolationist self. I used to, when I was depressed, try to figure out how long I'd have to be dead before anyone noticed. That figure has seldom dropped below a week, solely because of the sporadic nature of my contacts; I have been known to drop completely out of the loop for weeks on end, albeit rarely. Anyway, the point of all this is that it feels /wrong/, now; everything is as usual, and yet I feel I should somehow be doing things differently, somehow... I guess it ties in with Anthea bein' in town (yes, I can hear y'all hecklin - I know I find a way to pin all my problems on that) but I guess that with her in town, I've still got partial wiring saying 'she's here, make the most of it, be with her every waking moment'; of course, I didn't really listen to that wiring when we were together, so it's doubly ignorable now, but the fact that's it's there and I'm ignoring it might be what's got me on edge... don't think so, though. So even if her being in town is it, that's not the reason why, not really. Closer to the mark would be the fact that we're still distant and stuff, needin' to talk, or do /something/... dunno /what/, but I have to do something to break down these barriers that have come up before it's too late. I'm very much a creature of habit; and I can feel the habit of bein' just civil acquaintances forming. And once a habit like that forms, fucked if I know how to get out of it... a large degree of my life's fuckups are due to being unable to break bad habits. So yeah... knowing that, that I have to do something, makes me feel like I'm hiding from her, avoiding her and all the assorted stuff; and by extension, that I'm avoiding Stephen - not because they're together a lot (they are, but it's not the point) but because I'm seeing him so rarely as well. If I'm avoiding one person, and see them x hours a week, and I'm /not/ avoiding someone else, and see them for the same amount of time... either somethin's screwy somewhere, or I'm avoiding them both. Even though I'm doing nothing unusual, I can't shake those feelins. I'm /not/ hiding, and yet it feels like I am. Or maybe I am hiding after all; crawling into my shell of normalcy, hiding in the very fact that I'm /not/ hiding... I doubt I'm making sense, but the gist is there. Am I using the fact that I don't go out much as an excuse /not/ to go out and confront reality? Possibly... I honestly don't know. It's fucked up, anyways. And it's not like it really makes any difference if I avoid her or not; since she arrived it's been nothing but awkward silences when we /did/ meet, or else the usual meaningless jokes and heckling with the rest of the gang, and that don't count, not in any real way. Eh. Either way, it ought to sort itself out soon; tomorrow I hang out with snowy and the gang all day, monday I set up for a lanparty at Stephens, and I'll be there a week or two; it's hard to avoid someone when you're stayin at their house, which ought to quash any lingering confusion in myhead about ignoring Stephen; and I very much doubt that ant /won't/ be over to visit while I'm there, and even if she doesn't, I'll see her at Snowy's. I mean, hell... I'm going to a friends' place to watch anime, eat pizza, joke around, and play geekish games with a crew of seriously cool folks, and then going to another friend's place to play network games for a week or three solid, with a good chunk of the same crowd... I should be on top of the world, right?