After a HUGE fight, it's time for makeup SEX... The BEST EVER!
So, creating the Essential Reading List of 2010 journal entries for karen to go through completely blew up in my face, and didn't go over at all as I had expected. In many ways, it was such a major cluster fuck of a disaster, that I'm seriously debating whether or not it is worth the effort and risk to create a similar reading list for 2011 and the first 8 months of 2012.
Karen says that I need to learn to open up and discuss things with her face to face, rather than write about them in my journal and HOPE that she might see them at some point in time; only to be hurt and disappointed when she doesn't and doesn't respond to my thoughts and feelings because she's not even aware of them.
But yesterday's reaction to my journal entries, thoughts, and feelings only make me want to shut down and withdraw even more.
After we got finished screaming and yelling at each other, and had vented a lot of hurt and raw emotions and feelings out into the open,.. we finally had a really good heart to heart discussion which resulted in some major break throughs in how we each relate to how the other sees certain situations. In particular that refers to the current situation surrounding my hair fetish, and desire to have her shave my head bald for the next three months, the requirement for that to include my smoking fetish (which requires her to continue smoking for three more months), and her postponing the taking of her Chantix prescription to quit smoking until after that three month period has passed.
I want her to quit. Her health is very important to me, and I am delighted and excited for the fact that she is ready to make that effort and commitment. But I also need her to fulfill the sexual and emotional contract that she made with me earlier this summer (At this point in time, I have built a monumental fantasy and expectation around Karen being the living embodiment of my every Smoking Barberette desire).
Karen has a prescription pill to help her overcome her addiction to smoking. I have no such pill. And while I am not physically addicted to her smoking habit in the form of a nicotine addiction, I am emotionally and erotically addicted to her smoking as strong as if that addiction were to crack cocaine or heroine. My metaphorical "Chantix" prescription was to be that THREE MONTH adjustment period during which Karen fulfilled this fetish for a last and final time, through a series of events that would help me mentally prepare for Karen to be smoke free.
So, even though summer is technically over, Karen says that she is still willing to shave my head bald, and to honor the original three month agreement that she initiated when she bribed me to put up a pool for the summer back in June.
It is this last part that makes me think that it is still critical for me to create the Essential Reading list for the 2011 and 2012 journal entries.
Karen is agreeing to act out a very detailed and specific fantasy, that even I have never experienced outside of my writings over teh past 20 plus years. BUT, since she has not been reading my journal over the past two years, she doesn't have a clear and defined idea of what that comittment truly means, or how to go about it in a way that meets the base criteria. And since this is going to be the last time that we ever engage in my fantasy of her being my Smoking Barberette over these next three months, I want to get it perfectly right.
For once, it really does HAVE to be scripted, and planned, with attention to minute details; because, as far as I know, there will never be a second take at this again. (Unless I get a mistress and go outside of the marriage for sexual fulfilment, which in my mind is NOT an option.)
But it is that very scripted aspect that taints the fantasy. It wouldn't be that way if she had been reading and paying attention to my journal these past two years. But that's in the past, and I have to focus on the here and now, and the remainder of this calendar year.
What NEEDS to happen at this point, is that Karen needs to sit down and not only read, but study my journal entries from 2011 and 2012, with as much attention to detail (without taking personal offense at past thoughts and feelings that may come across as negative) as if she were studying for her Series 6 and Series 7 securities license all over again. If she can do that, and commit to making these next three months as beautifully and erotically intense as I believe she can, she will have pulled off a level of sexual intimacy and fantasy fulfillment that exceeds everything I've ever experienced with another person...
It will be on the same level as shaving a woman's head bald, but even more meaningful, because I honestly think that this could be the ctalyst to rekindle teh lost fires of passion that seem to have dwindled to barely a distant memory over these past 4 years.
Words can not even begin to express the mixed emotions of excitement, and nervous trepidation, that I am experiencing right now. It's like a case of mental blue balls, and when the time comes to finally release that emotion, it is going to be one gigantic emotional/mental/sexual orgasm of EPIC proportions.
Karen says that I need to learn to open up and discuss things with her face to face, rather than write about them in my journal and HOPE that she might see them at some point in time; only to be hurt and disappointed when she doesn't and doesn't respond to my thoughts and feelings because she's not even aware of them.
But yesterday's reaction to my journal entries, thoughts, and feelings only make me want to shut down and withdraw even more.
After we got finished screaming and yelling at each other, and had vented a lot of hurt and raw emotions and feelings out into the open,.. we finally had a really good heart to heart discussion which resulted in some major break throughs in how we each relate to how the other sees certain situations. In particular that refers to the current situation surrounding my hair fetish, and desire to have her shave my head bald for the next three months, the requirement for that to include my smoking fetish (which requires her to continue smoking for three more months), and her postponing the taking of her Chantix prescription to quit smoking until after that three month period has passed.
I want her to quit. Her health is very important to me, and I am delighted and excited for the fact that she is ready to make that effort and commitment. But I also need her to fulfill the sexual and emotional contract that she made with me earlier this summer (At this point in time, I have built a monumental fantasy and expectation around Karen being the living embodiment of my every Smoking Barberette desire).
Karen has a prescription pill to help her overcome her addiction to smoking. I have no such pill. And while I am not physically addicted to her smoking habit in the form of a nicotine addiction, I am emotionally and erotically addicted to her smoking as strong as if that addiction were to crack cocaine or heroine. My metaphorical "Chantix" prescription was to be that THREE MONTH adjustment period during which Karen fulfilled this fetish for a last and final time, through a series of events that would help me mentally prepare for Karen to be smoke free.
So, even though summer is technically over, Karen says that she is still willing to shave my head bald, and to honor the original three month agreement that she initiated when she bribed me to put up a pool for the summer back in June.
- 1) She has agreed to stop taking the Chantix; since she is only three days into the very first packet of medication, and wait until the end of our "90 Days of Shearing" to start it back up. That means she will continue smoking until just around the Christmas holiday.
2) She also agreed to be the one to plan and initiate my first haircut and head shave, and for her to fulfill a life long fantasy that has yet to ever be acted upon or fulfilled by any woman in my 41 years of life. This is new, and uncharted, ground; and karen is treading upon virgin territory within this aspect of my hair fetish. We will be sharing something that is wholely and completely ours from now until the day I die.
It is this last part that makes me think that it is still critical for me to create the Essential Reading list for the 2011 and 2012 journal entries.
Karen is agreeing to act out a very detailed and specific fantasy, that even I have never experienced outside of my writings over teh past 20 plus years. BUT, since she has not been reading my journal over the past two years, she doesn't have a clear and defined idea of what that comittment truly means, or how to go about it in a way that meets the base criteria. And since this is going to be the last time that we ever engage in my fantasy of her being my Smoking Barberette over these next three months, I want to get it perfectly right.
For once, it really does HAVE to be scripted, and planned, with attention to minute details; because, as far as I know, there will never be a second take at this again. (Unless I get a mistress and go outside of the marriage for sexual fulfilment, which in my mind is NOT an option.)
But it is that very scripted aspect that taints the fantasy. It wouldn't be that way if she had been reading and paying attention to my journal these past two years. But that's in the past, and I have to focus on the here and now, and the remainder of this calendar year.
What NEEDS to happen at this point, is that Karen needs to sit down and not only read, but study my journal entries from 2011 and 2012, with as much attention to detail (without taking personal offense at past thoughts and feelings that may come across as negative) as if she were studying for her Series 6 and Series 7 securities license all over again. If she can do that, and commit to making these next three months as beautifully and erotically intense as I believe she can, she will have pulled off a level of sexual intimacy and fantasy fulfillment that exceeds everything I've ever experienced with another person...
It will be on the same level as shaving a woman's head bald, but even more meaningful, because I honestly think that this could be the ctalyst to rekindle teh lost fires of passion that seem to have dwindled to barely a distant memory over these past 4 years.
Words can not even begin to express the mixed emotions of excitement, and nervous trepidation, that I am experiencing right now. It's like a case of mental blue balls, and when the time comes to finally release that emotion, it is going to be one gigantic emotional/mental/sexual orgasm of EPIC proportions.