I'm not ready for Christmas to be over.
For the first time in a great many years, I actually managed to thoroughly enjoy the Christmas season. Sure, there were tidbits missing that i would like to have had as a part of the season (walk of lights, Christmas Eve services with the family, etc...), but this year was enjoyable; and I'm not ready for it to be over.
Today, as I drove to work, there were no Christmas songs playing on the radio. As I did my office chores, there was no anticipation of going out to the stores or the mall to mentally browse for things I wish I could put under the Christmas tree for my family. No anticipation of Christmas day still to come.
As I settled in to watch TV this evening, there weren't a multitude of Christmas specials, cartoons, or movies to build the holiday spirit. Just the same old shows that are on any other given week of the year. Gone is the 24 hour marathon of 'A Christmas Story' and the nightly showing of at least two or three Rankin Bass made children's specials (Twas the Night Before Christmas, Jack Frost, Santa Clause is comming to town, A year without Santa Clause, etc...)
This year had a magical quality in the air, even right down to our 6 inch snowfall a week before Christmas weekend (as I like to call the extended weekend we took from the 21st to the 25th). A magic that I haven't felt in a very long time. A magic that was outside of the spending of the season, or the quest to find that perfect gift. Sure, we bought presents for each other, and we weren't Scrooges even if we didn't spend as much as in some years past; but this year seemed sensible, and that the season was more about togetherness and that magic feeling in the air.
This year, for just a few weeks, time seemed to slow down enough for me to savor the joy of just living without being rushed, hurried, and so much of life having a sense of being tasteless (mindane, boring, bland). There were moments, this holiday season, that had an almost 'Normal Rockwell' like texture to the experience. A nostalgia pervaded through the winds of time that took me back to some of the good times I've remembered from years past and condensed those bits of memory into a really good feeling. Time spent with Family and friends. (I'm still amazed at how well Karen's family has absorbed me into being one of their own, even to a level that I no longer truly feel with much of my own extended family; at least not since I outed Neal for the monster that he is.) Maybe that's part of the Nostalgic feeling that came to me. The extended families all blending into one like my own extended families seemed to do when i was a young boy, and we spent holiday's with Grandpa Grooms and Grandma Mullen, and all of the parts of the family that would come together around those times. Sitting here thinking about it, it brings back memories that I had so fully forgotten that I didn't even realize them to be lost.
Maybe, one day, I'll sit and take some time to write about some of them. Pass those good times down to my own children, so that they might one day understand that not all of Daddy's childhood was a tragedy.
For now, at least there are the Christmas lights still up on the neighbor's houses. Although it seemed that there were fewer homes with lights out this year, there were some really nice ones to drive past and gawk at. I figure most people will keep them on until this upcoming weekend. Then the magic will fade away until next year, I suppose.
At this point, we're just a week from being into the New Year. To me, New Year's Eve is one of the most depressing nights of the year. I see it as just another night to reflect upon all of the things I failed to acomplish in the previous year, and as a reminder of how fast time is slipping away from me. Fortunately, I always have a large group of friends to spend it with; so hiding the sadness inside of me is made that much easier when there are other things to distract myself and others away from that fact.
At the stroke of Midnight, another year will begin, the old one lost to us to fade into the past, and the drone of everyday life resumes without the special feeling that the holidays brought to the world around us. No specials. No holiday parties, music and food. No special songs being sung. No magic.
No magic.
It's no wonder that the first couple of months in each year are when my lowest depressions hit. Many years they are triggered from the sudden release of stress from having gone through the holiday season, or so I have always thought. I suppose that in some sense that is still an acurate truth, but with this year being so different, I'm also realizing that a part of that onset of lows is because the specialness of the holidays suddenly leaves a void that I have nothing else to put into its place to fill it.
I guess that most years that void is filled with a bitter sense that I feel let down by another holiday season not living up to my hopes and expectations, but this year it will be from the realization that I got pretty damn close and now it will all have to be tucked away on the shelf until another 11 months of life have slipped through my fingers once again.
Maybe I'll just burst out into a Christmas song every now and then. Just to hold onto a littel bit of that magic that was this year's Holiday Season. The one where I stopped to remember that it is my family (especially my own - Karen, Jack, and Delaney, the cats and Boo Dog) and the activities we share together that really put the magic into the air. I still have several of the Christmas specials recorded on the DVR. Maybe I'll sit with the kids in my lap and watch one or two just for the heck of it now and then.
Today, as I drove to work, there were no Christmas songs playing on the radio. As I did my office chores, there was no anticipation of going out to the stores or the mall to mentally browse for things I wish I could put under the Christmas tree for my family. No anticipation of Christmas day still to come.
As I settled in to watch TV this evening, there weren't a multitude of Christmas specials, cartoons, or movies to build the holiday spirit. Just the same old shows that are on any other given week of the year. Gone is the 24 hour marathon of 'A Christmas Story' and the nightly showing of at least two or three Rankin Bass made children's specials (Twas the Night Before Christmas, Jack Frost, Santa Clause is comming to town, A year without Santa Clause, etc...)
This year had a magical quality in the air, even right down to our 6 inch snowfall a week before Christmas weekend (as I like to call the extended weekend we took from the 21st to the 25th). A magic that I haven't felt in a very long time. A magic that was outside of the spending of the season, or the quest to find that perfect gift. Sure, we bought presents for each other, and we weren't Scrooges even if we didn't spend as much as in some years past; but this year seemed sensible, and that the season was more about togetherness and that magic feeling in the air.
This year, for just a few weeks, time seemed to slow down enough for me to savor the joy of just living without being rushed, hurried, and so much of life having a sense of being tasteless (mindane, boring, bland). There were moments, this holiday season, that had an almost 'Normal Rockwell' like texture to the experience. A nostalgia pervaded through the winds of time that took me back to some of the good times I've remembered from years past and condensed those bits of memory into a really good feeling. Time spent with Family and friends. (I'm still amazed at how well Karen's family has absorbed me into being one of their own, even to a level that I no longer truly feel with much of my own extended family; at least not since I outed Neal for the monster that he is.) Maybe that's part of the Nostalgic feeling that came to me. The extended families all blending into one like my own extended families seemed to do when i was a young boy, and we spent holiday's with Grandpa Grooms and Grandma Mullen, and all of the parts of the family that would come together around those times. Sitting here thinking about it, it brings back memories that I had so fully forgotten that I didn't even realize them to be lost.
Maybe, one day, I'll sit and take some time to write about some of them. Pass those good times down to my own children, so that they might one day understand that not all of Daddy's childhood was a tragedy.
For now, at least there are the Christmas lights still up on the neighbor's houses. Although it seemed that there were fewer homes with lights out this year, there were some really nice ones to drive past and gawk at. I figure most people will keep them on until this upcoming weekend. Then the magic will fade away until next year, I suppose.
At this point, we're just a week from being into the New Year. To me, New Year's Eve is one of the most depressing nights of the year. I see it as just another night to reflect upon all of the things I failed to acomplish in the previous year, and as a reminder of how fast time is slipping away from me. Fortunately, I always have a large group of friends to spend it with; so hiding the sadness inside of me is made that much easier when there are other things to distract myself and others away from that fact.
At the stroke of Midnight, another year will begin, the old one lost to us to fade into the past, and the drone of everyday life resumes without the special feeling that the holidays brought to the world around us. No specials. No holiday parties, music and food. No special songs being sung. No magic.
No magic.
It's no wonder that the first couple of months in each year are when my lowest depressions hit. Many years they are triggered from the sudden release of stress from having gone through the holiday season, or so I have always thought. I suppose that in some sense that is still an acurate truth, but with this year being so different, I'm also realizing that a part of that onset of lows is because the specialness of the holidays suddenly leaves a void that I have nothing else to put into its place to fill it.
I guess that most years that void is filled with a bitter sense that I feel let down by another holiday season not living up to my hopes and expectations, but this year it will be from the realization that I got pretty damn close and now it will all have to be tucked away on the shelf until another 11 months of life have slipped through my fingers once again.
Maybe I'll just burst out into a Christmas song every now and then. Just to hold onto a littel bit of that magic that was this year's Holiday Season. The one where I stopped to remember that it is my family (especially my own - Karen, Jack, and Delaney, the cats and Boo Dog) and the activities we share together that really put the magic into the air. I still have several of the Christmas specials recorded on the DVR. Maybe I'll sit with the kids in my lap and watch one or two just for the heck of it now and then.
- Heavenly Father,
Thank you for sending your Son to us, to be born in the precious form of a frail and Human baby. Sweet, innocent, adored, humble, loved.... Thank you, for by giving us this gift you not only provided a plan for our way to salvation, but you planted the seed of "holiday magic," which frees us from the bonds of our simple day to day existence; even if for only a few short weeks out of each year.