I must not allow myself to fall into old Patterns of Behavior
Over the past 24 to 36 hours, I've been throwing myself a huge pitty party, and I didn't even really realize that I was doing it.
I've allowed my mind to entertain self destructive thoughts, and to focus on far too much negativity.
All concentrated in a time period between Friday evening and now (6:15 AM on Sunday morning)
That's a lot of negativity all bundled up in one very destructtive concentration of hurt and pain.
The entire weekend has not been that way.
I have actually accomplished a few positive goals this weekend, but I have allowed my worries and doubts to rob me of almost an entire weekend, with no real rest anywhere in those precious hours.
How did I get here?
I had set high hopes for what Friday evening was going to look like.
I was looking forward to sitting onthe couches with Karen, and watching our second Law and Order show. I had hoped to watch a few other shows that are also on the DVR, that I know we both enjoy. I was looking for some connection time. I had also set hopes that we would watch the new Melissa McCarthy movie on Netflix, together; possibly as a family - Or, at least Karen, Delaney, and I. Jack does not join the family for much of anything these days. We were lucky to get him to go to dinner on Thursday night, and that was because it was his birthday dinner.
But I started off my hopes and expectations with a critical fallacy.
At no time had I specifically communicated any of the thoughts and hopes in my head to Karen.
This si a trap that I have created, and fallen into, thousands of times over our relationship.
She is not a mind reader. Even though I had briefely mentioned these shows over the past week, or even days, at no time did I make my thoughts clear to her. Karen is not a mind reader. With no specific request from me, she is on her own path of things to acomplish for this weekend.
And, for her, that was to go spend time with Perry (Gary); who she used to work with.
That's what she did on Friday evneing, and she had a lot of fun. I am glad for that. End of story. I should not dwell on that time slot any further, and I had no rightful claim to it.
Yesterday, I was dissappointed when Karen had left to go to Sam Power's 30th Birthday party, and didn't take me along with her.
I'm not sure why, or when, my invitation to go to the party was revoked. That bit of infomration stung quite a bit. Nikki and Sam are my friends too.
I was dressed and ready to go, but Karen simply said see you later and walked out the door.
The double sting was that I was also a bit jealous of the fact that a friend was getting to celebrate a milestone birthday. I too recently had a milestone birthday, and no one celebrated it.
I did get a nice birthday present, of two new monitors for my computer setup, but no one celebrated my birthday beyond the Facebook Happy Birthdays and a trip with Karen to her Dentist's office. No party. No family and friend's dinner. No cards from anyone other than my wife and kids. No cake.
I'm still waiting for a Grand 50th Birthday celebration, but the reality is that it will most likely never happen.
Any finances that may have been available for that event are now tied up in building the new house that I am to be banished to in some future month this coming Fall/Winter.
Again, upon reflection, I am glad that Karen had fun at the party. I don't know the reason as to why my invitation was taken back.
It wasn't my party. It was Sam's, and I am glad that he had a great one. Fromt he photos posted online, it looks like it was a lot of fun.
I was also a bit saddened that on Friday, Karen went to go get a new phone. The main purpose of this phone being that she can continue to flirt and sext with other men outside of our relationship; and be able to do so without any fear of getting "caught." As if I didn't already know what she was doing. She spent $600 dollars (or a little more) to get a new hone line to continue having an emotional affair.
That is devastating!
I still have hope. Although it is long term, way down the road, hope. I plan to honor my Love and vows to Karen.
it stings that while I have intentions to love and honor her, she is flirting and making plans to take the fliring to the next level and physically violate our vows at osme future point.
The new phone is moot. I have not, nor will I, spy on her conversations with others.
What I already know to this point in time is emotionally devastating, and has hurt me more than any other single event or situation in my entire life has hurt.
I do not elieve that I could bear to be made aware of anything more. It wouldn't do any good anyway.
I cannot change karen. I cannot change her mind. I cannot make her want to invest any entergy, time, or thought into what has become of our relationship.
I can only continue to focus on me. Improving myself. Doing things for me, and our family, that I know to be the right thing to do.
If at any time, that has bearing on how she sees me as a person, then so be it. I hope that what she sees is for the better, and does make her take pause. But that cannot be my end goal.
I As a result of all of the above, I have been in a state of self imposed depression.
I'm already in a state of Hell; loving such a beatutiful woman, with no love comeing back to me.
Karen is not a perfect person, but she is the perfecet person for me. So, as long as I can mentally bear the insanity that is currently surrounding me, I still chose to love her and honor her; and the best way for me to do that right now is to comtinue working on me, and doing things purely out of selfless love and desire to do them for myself as well.
So, I have to be better aware of not falling back into old habits and self destructive behaviors.
Now, if Only I could get some much needed rest and sleep before I have to go back to work on Monday.
thank goodness that I already got all fo the laundry and cleaning done between Friday and yesterday.
The vinyl floors are cleaned, the dusting is done, the main floor is all picked up,a nd I managed to de- doghair most of the stairs and office carpet.
I've allowed my mind to entertain self destructive thoughts, and to focus on far too much negativity.
All concentrated in a time period between Friday evening and now (6:15 AM on Sunday morning)
That's a lot of negativity all bundled up in one very destructtive concentration of hurt and pain.
The entire weekend has not been that way.
I have actually accomplished a few positive goals this weekend, but I have allowed my worries and doubts to rob me of almost an entire weekend, with no real rest anywhere in those precious hours.
How did I get here?
I had set high hopes for what Friday evening was going to look like.
I was looking forward to sitting onthe couches with Karen, and watching our second Law and Order show. I had hoped to watch a few other shows that are also on the DVR, that I know we both enjoy. I was looking for some connection time. I had also set hopes that we would watch the new Melissa McCarthy movie on Netflix, together; possibly as a family - Or, at least Karen, Delaney, and I. Jack does not join the family for much of anything these days. We were lucky to get him to go to dinner on Thursday night, and that was because it was his birthday dinner.
But I started off my hopes and expectations with a critical fallacy.
At no time had I specifically communicated any of the thoughts and hopes in my head to Karen.
This si a trap that I have created, and fallen into, thousands of times over our relationship.
She is not a mind reader. Even though I had briefely mentioned these shows over the past week, or even days, at no time did I make my thoughts clear to her. Karen is not a mind reader. With no specific request from me, she is on her own path of things to acomplish for this weekend.
And, for her, that was to go spend time with Perry (Gary); who she used to work with.
That's what she did on Friday evneing, and she had a lot of fun. I am glad for that. End of story. I should not dwell on that time slot any further, and I had no rightful claim to it.
Yesterday, I was dissappointed when Karen had left to go to Sam Power's 30th Birthday party, and didn't take me along with her.
I'm not sure why, or when, my invitation to go to the party was revoked. That bit of infomration stung quite a bit. Nikki and Sam are my friends too.
I was dressed and ready to go, but Karen simply said see you later and walked out the door.
The double sting was that I was also a bit jealous of the fact that a friend was getting to celebrate a milestone birthday. I too recently had a milestone birthday, and no one celebrated it.
I did get a nice birthday present, of two new monitors for my computer setup, but no one celebrated my birthday beyond the Facebook Happy Birthdays and a trip with Karen to her Dentist's office. No party. No family and friend's dinner. No cards from anyone other than my wife and kids. No cake.
I'm still waiting for a Grand 50th Birthday celebration, but the reality is that it will most likely never happen.
Any finances that may have been available for that event are now tied up in building the new house that I am to be banished to in some future month this coming Fall/Winter.
Again, upon reflection, I am glad that Karen had fun at the party. I don't know the reason as to why my invitation was taken back.
It wasn't my party. It was Sam's, and I am glad that he had a great one. Fromt he photos posted online, it looks like it was a lot of fun.
I was also a bit saddened that on Friday, Karen went to go get a new phone. The main purpose of this phone being that she can continue to flirt and sext with other men outside of our relationship; and be able to do so without any fear of getting "caught." As if I didn't already know what she was doing. She spent $600 dollars (or a little more) to get a new hone line to continue having an emotional affair.
That is devastating!
I still have hope. Although it is long term, way down the road, hope. I plan to honor my Love and vows to Karen.
it stings that while I have intentions to love and honor her, she is flirting and making plans to take the fliring to the next level and physically violate our vows at osme future point.
The new phone is moot. I have not, nor will I, spy on her conversations with others.
What I already know to this point in time is emotionally devastating, and has hurt me more than any other single event or situation in my entire life has hurt.
I do not elieve that I could bear to be made aware of anything more. It wouldn't do any good anyway.
I cannot change karen. I cannot change her mind. I cannot make her want to invest any entergy, time, or thought into what has become of our relationship.
I can only continue to focus on me. Improving myself. Doing things for me, and our family, that I know to be the right thing to do.
If at any time, that has bearing on how she sees me as a person, then so be it. I hope that what she sees is for the better, and does make her take pause. But that cannot be my end goal.
I As a result of all of the above, I have been in a state of self imposed depression.
I'm already in a state of Hell; loving such a beatutiful woman, with no love comeing back to me.
Karen is not a perfect person, but she is the perfecet person for me. So, as long as I can mentally bear the insanity that is currently surrounding me, I still chose to love her and honor her; and the best way for me to do that right now is to comtinue working on me, and doing things purely out of selfless love and desire to do them for myself as well.
So, I have to be better aware of not falling back into old habits and self destructive behaviors.
Now, if Only I could get some much needed rest and sleep before I have to go back to work on Monday.
thank goodness that I already got all fo the laundry and cleaning done between Friday and yesterday.
The vinyl floors are cleaned, the dusting is done, the main floor is all picked up,a nd I managed to de- doghair most of the stairs and office carpet.