(no subject)
fuck. that's the only word that can truly describe how i've been feeling these past few days. i'm miserable, sad .. empty. i feel so alone. i'm sick of hiding the fact that i'm lonely. i'm sick of feeling embarrassed because i WANT a boyfriend. i'm sick of spending every holiday alone. i'm sick of being the odd one out when all my friends are paired up. i'm sick of sitting home by myself on days like today when i feel god awful sick. i have been alone for far too long & just thinking of how pathetic i feel makes me cry.
now, this is going to sound crazy .. i know this. i've been reading the twilight books lately. yes, i'm a twilight freak. i own the books & the movie and am totally obsessed .. but this isn't my point. so i just finished the second book, and i can't help but feel like the second book is why i've been feeling awful the past week or so. in the book, there is a point where bella, the main character, gets dumped by her boyfriend edward, the vampire. this wouldn't be so meaningful except for the way he did it. all of a sudden. without reason. just disappearing off the face of the earth without a trace. the way that the author described bella's feelings totally described EXACTLY how i felt when .. HE .. left me. probably because he left me the same way edward left bella. now, this has nothing to do with HIM exactly .. he is a part of my life that i really have no feeling toward anymore, but, i can't help but feel those old feelings of sadness, loneliness, & emptiness being dredged up again.
getting boyfriends comes so easily to all my friends. it's like the second they're single they have another guy waiting in line to take the ex's spot. this doesn't happen to me. i'm not really sure why. i feel like one of the reasons it took me so long to get over .. him .. was because i didn't have anyone else to make me forget about him, distract me, make me feel whole again. and now it's been, well, a while since i've had a true boyfriend, and i feel like a fucking freak. no one should be single for this long. it's pathetic. the only explanation that i can come up with is that i must be horrifyingly repulsive or something. i don't really know. i just have that constant LONGING in my heart. that constant pit in my stomach. i don't know how much longer i can go on feeling this way .. it's like someone punching me in the throat.
it's come to the point where i'm starting to hibernate in my own home. like seeing other people in happy relationships hurts too much .. it burns almost. almost like God is rubbing it in my face. HAHA YOU HAVE NO ONE.
this probably sounds really ridiculous. i just needed to get it out.
now, this is going to sound crazy .. i know this. i've been reading the twilight books lately. yes, i'm a twilight freak. i own the books & the movie and am totally obsessed .. but this isn't my point. so i just finished the second book, and i can't help but feel like the second book is why i've been feeling awful the past week or so. in the book, there is a point where bella, the main character, gets dumped by her boyfriend edward, the vampire. this wouldn't be so meaningful except for the way he did it. all of a sudden. without reason. just disappearing off the face of the earth without a trace. the way that the author described bella's feelings totally described EXACTLY how i felt when .. HE .. left me. probably because he left me the same way edward left bella. now, this has nothing to do with HIM exactly .. he is a part of my life that i really have no feeling toward anymore, but, i can't help but feel those old feelings of sadness, loneliness, & emptiness being dredged up again.
getting boyfriends comes so easily to all my friends. it's like the second they're single they have another guy waiting in line to take the ex's spot. this doesn't happen to me. i'm not really sure why. i feel like one of the reasons it took me so long to get over .. him .. was because i didn't have anyone else to make me forget about him, distract me, make me feel whole again. and now it's been, well, a while since i've had a true boyfriend, and i feel like a fucking freak. no one should be single for this long. it's pathetic. the only explanation that i can come up with is that i must be horrifyingly repulsive or something. i don't really know. i just have that constant LONGING in my heart. that constant pit in my stomach. i don't know how much longer i can go on feeling this way .. it's like someone punching me in the throat.
it's come to the point where i'm starting to hibernate in my own home. like seeing other people in happy relationships hurts too much .. it burns almost. almost like God is rubbing it in my face. HAHA YOU HAVE NO ONE.
this probably sounds really ridiculous. i just needed to get it out.