Posty Post Post
I figured that I should probably put this journal to use since I've neglected it for the past... ohhh... 30 some odd weeks. Eep!
A lot has happened, we found out on my mother's birthday that I was pregnant again. I was fearful due to the fact that we'd lost two pregnancies in less than a year leading up to it. However, given the date that we learned of the happy news I felt that it was kind of like a gift from my mother across the distance. And hey, I'm only a few weeks away from having my daughter now! I cannot describe the feeling this gives me, words fail to form in a manner that is fitting. I just wish that Fiona's grandparents were around to greet her into this world, she would adore them. However, I know that both of her grandfathers and her Mima will always be with her in spirit and I honestly think that they helped guide her to us. We may have lost a lot when we lost them, but having Fiona kind of balances those losses out. I love feeling and watching her move, knowing that she's in there and thriving.
Along with encroaching motherhood, Ben and I have rented a house and have our friend Brandon living with us as a roomie. Its been quite lovely, as I adore Mr. Brandon and have someone to talk with while at home. He's such a sweet heart and I'm glad to have him as a part of our little household. Darla's thrilled to have her own yard to romp around in and has calmed down considerably since we moved out of the apartment. Although she's gotten very protective, barking at any and everything that dares get close to the house or knock on the door. Oh, and the blinds have suffered due to her poking her head through them.
Ben's back at school full time and I couldn't be more proud of his enthusiasm with it. I know its something that he's wanted to do for a while now and I'm glad that he has finally done it. I'll be at home with the baby most of the time on my own, but he at least has a three day weekend to spend with us. I've been a bit of a recluse lately, the idea of leaving the house kind of sets my teeth on edge due to a nasty car accident we got into earlier this month. Luckily we weren't hurt too bad aside from being sore and shaken, it still makes me wary being so close to my due date to get into a vehicle. We hit the center divider with the rear end of the car after skidding out of control on black ice, so thankfully the air bags didn't deploy. (That would have almost surely killed Fiona!).
I don't mind being at home though, I enjoy having some quiet time all to myself and have done a lot of reflection as a result. Its strange, watching yourself evolve into an adult. :/ I'm not sure what to think about it. I do know that I've come to some very secure revelations though, and I've decided to cut out a lot of people and crap from my life that aren't doing me any good. What's the point in wasting time on people and things that ultimately drag your spirits down? Especially when you should be focusing on the positive people and events in your life, they are more deserving and in the long run mean something. Yeah, I still get very irritated with people being idiots, and I always will be - but I've stopped dwelling on it so much. There's too much going on that I should be focusing in on, and all of that other detritus is just so much bull shit that doesn't mean anything in the long haul.
The first anniversary of my mother's death is coming up soon too. I still feel her loss as keenly as I did the day I watched her fade away, maybe more so now in fact. I don't talk about that much, how much pain and anger I deal with on a daily basis due to her being gone. Rationally, I know that she's no longer suffering and will always be with me - but I still feel cheated out of having her here to turn to. Its selfish, but at least I recognize that fact, right? My sister had her to go to when she needed advice and reassurance through her pregnancies and births, all of her children got to know her. Mine won't. She'll never hold my daughter in her arms or spoil her with treats and goodies, teach her how to bake, sing to her, or have her over night. I also feel terrible that Ben's father never got the opportunity to meet his first grandchild, he would have been in complete bliss over it as he was nagging us to have children the day we got married! ha! Fiona would have absolutely adored him and I know she would have been the apple of his eye. He was such a sweet and generous man, so loving and always saw the good in everyone. He always helped people out, no matter what, because that basic idea of being kind to your fellow man was something that he truly believed in. As far as my father goes, he now will miss the birth of not only my first child, but my sister's baby boy coming into this world (Yes, we're pregnant together! How neat!). I know he would have instilled a love of music and history in her, the same as he did with me. Along with a no-nonsense, rational view of the world. He was such a cool, laid back, grounded person. It breaks my heart that Fiona won't meet these amazing people! She does have her Grandma Wolf though, who has already spoiled her rotten! I'm thrilled at the fact that my mother-in-law is as anxious for her to get here as we are. Fiona will at least have one fantastic grandparent, and I am very grateful for that.
Its been a long road to get to this juncture in my life. It hasn't been easy and I know that the bumps and difficulties are far from over for this portion. However, I've grown from it, learned, become stronger and have gotten to know myself a bit more in depth because of everything that has happened. I guess I've matured a lot, though I'm not saying that means that I don't have a vast distance to go before its through! I just hope that I get some time to be at peace and enjoy life before it hurtles more obstacles and hardship into my path, that'd be lovely. Some time to enjoy getting to know my daughter, enjoy my marriage, and have a bit of sunshine before the clouds start to reform. They always do, and then they break apart and disperse for a bit before returning once again. That's how life works, I've noticed. It balances itself in order to teach and give meaning to everything. Nothing stays the same, be it good or rather shit. I could use a break from the crazy, insane, stressful crapness though... just the good or even the uneventful will work wonders for me... at least for a month or two!
A lot has happened, we found out on my mother's birthday that I was pregnant again. I was fearful due to the fact that we'd lost two pregnancies in less than a year leading up to it. However, given the date that we learned of the happy news I felt that it was kind of like a gift from my mother across the distance. And hey, I'm only a few weeks away from having my daughter now! I cannot describe the feeling this gives me, words fail to form in a manner that is fitting. I just wish that Fiona's grandparents were around to greet her into this world, she would adore them. However, I know that both of her grandfathers and her Mima will always be with her in spirit and I honestly think that they helped guide her to us. We may have lost a lot when we lost them, but having Fiona kind of balances those losses out. I love feeling and watching her move, knowing that she's in there and thriving.
Along with encroaching motherhood, Ben and I have rented a house and have our friend Brandon living with us as a roomie. Its been quite lovely, as I adore Mr. Brandon and have someone to talk with while at home. He's such a sweet heart and I'm glad to have him as a part of our little household. Darla's thrilled to have her own yard to romp around in and has calmed down considerably since we moved out of the apartment. Although she's gotten very protective, barking at any and everything that dares get close to the house or knock on the door. Oh, and the blinds have suffered due to her poking her head through them.
Ben's back at school full time and I couldn't be more proud of his enthusiasm with it. I know its something that he's wanted to do for a while now and I'm glad that he has finally done it. I'll be at home with the baby most of the time on my own, but he at least has a three day weekend to spend with us. I've been a bit of a recluse lately, the idea of leaving the house kind of sets my teeth on edge due to a nasty car accident we got into earlier this month. Luckily we weren't hurt too bad aside from being sore and shaken, it still makes me wary being so close to my due date to get into a vehicle. We hit the center divider with the rear end of the car after skidding out of control on black ice, so thankfully the air bags didn't deploy. (That would have almost surely killed Fiona!).
I don't mind being at home though, I enjoy having some quiet time all to myself and have done a lot of reflection as a result. Its strange, watching yourself evolve into an adult. :/ I'm not sure what to think about it. I do know that I've come to some very secure revelations though, and I've decided to cut out a lot of people and crap from my life that aren't doing me any good. What's the point in wasting time on people and things that ultimately drag your spirits down? Especially when you should be focusing on the positive people and events in your life, they are more deserving and in the long run mean something. Yeah, I still get very irritated with people being idiots, and I always will be - but I've stopped dwelling on it so much. There's too much going on that I should be focusing in on, and all of that other detritus is just so much bull shit that doesn't mean anything in the long haul.
The first anniversary of my mother's death is coming up soon too. I still feel her loss as keenly as I did the day I watched her fade away, maybe more so now in fact. I don't talk about that much, how much pain and anger I deal with on a daily basis due to her being gone. Rationally, I know that she's no longer suffering and will always be with me - but I still feel cheated out of having her here to turn to. Its selfish, but at least I recognize that fact, right? My sister had her to go to when she needed advice and reassurance through her pregnancies and births, all of her children got to know her. Mine won't. She'll never hold my daughter in her arms or spoil her with treats and goodies, teach her how to bake, sing to her, or have her over night. I also feel terrible that Ben's father never got the opportunity to meet his first grandchild, he would have been in complete bliss over it as he was nagging us to have children the day we got married! ha! Fiona would have absolutely adored him and I know she would have been the apple of his eye. He was such a sweet and generous man, so loving and always saw the good in everyone. He always helped people out, no matter what, because that basic idea of being kind to your fellow man was something that he truly believed in. As far as my father goes, he now will miss the birth of not only my first child, but my sister's baby boy coming into this world (Yes, we're pregnant together! How neat!). I know he would have instilled a love of music and history in her, the same as he did with me. Along with a no-nonsense, rational view of the world. He was such a cool, laid back, grounded person. It breaks my heart that Fiona won't meet these amazing people! She does have her Grandma Wolf though, who has already spoiled her rotten! I'm thrilled at the fact that my mother-in-law is as anxious for her to get here as we are. Fiona will at least have one fantastic grandparent, and I am very grateful for that.
Its been a long road to get to this juncture in my life. It hasn't been easy and I know that the bumps and difficulties are far from over for this portion. However, I've grown from it, learned, become stronger and have gotten to know myself a bit more in depth because of everything that has happened. I guess I've matured a lot, though I'm not saying that means that I don't have a vast distance to go before its through! I just hope that I get some time to be at peace and enjoy life before it hurtles more obstacles and hardship into my path, that'd be lovely. Some time to enjoy getting to know my daughter, enjoy my marriage, and have a bit of sunshine before the clouds start to reform. They always do, and then they break apart and disperse for a bit before returning once again. That's how life works, I've noticed. It balances itself in order to teach and give meaning to everything. Nothing stays the same, be it good or rather shit. I could use a break from the crazy, insane, stressful crapness though... just the good or even the uneventful will work wonders for me... at least for a month or two!