Yeah. I'm Awake.
I grew bored of lounging on my couch and reading, so instead I turned to thinking. Bad idea, as if my brain doesn't drone on forever on it's own, I have to go and instigate it to further probe its rant-y depths. I don't do much of the "Stop and sit quietly to think" thing often these days. There's good reason to avoid just that sort of thing like the plague - because when I stop to think and reflect on life, I realize just how chaotic and shitty its been for the past year. That leads to frown lines, which cause wrinkles. Oh, and the not-so-happy depression.
How did things get so thoroughly fucked? Where was the turning point that my life decided to take the "To Hell" detour? I can tick off countless things that have gone wrong in the past year, and yet not even a handful of things that have worked to my benefit. I certainly am not that bad of a person where I'm deserving of the atrocities that have befallen me, not that I'm saying life is fair - but this is just god damn ridiculous. I certainly don't view it as a learning or growing experience, as all that it has accomplished is in making me even more bitter, cynical, and distrusting of society and the world as a whole.
I lack motivation now more than I ever have. I'm fearful of pursuing anything that might better myself because the let-down is inevitable, the fall unavoidable. Yet I still desire to do such things, I'm quite weary of it all. I'm sure a psychiatrist would have a seizure over my accumulated psyche issues.
I try to maintain an upbeat attitude, to let things slide off of my back. Epic fail. Everything gets to me, regardless of my attempts to guise it. I really don't see the point in anything these days. Why bother? Why try? The world goes on whether or not any one of us exists. We are meaningless. Gasoline is four dollars a gallon, the average citizen can't reasonably afford that - who cares? Thousands of Americans can't afford health insurance, they go untreated for their illnesses and even die while even most third-world countries have nationalized health care which provides everything to them at little to no cost - who cares? No one. At least not enough to make a difference. The world goes on, it doesn't skip a fuckin' beat while many go on suffering, because in the end, nothing matters. Not to the world at large.
I listen to people drone on and on about the petty annoyances in their day-to-day lives, neighbors complaining about a cardboard box on my front porch, for instance. I want to slap them in the mouth and tell them that there are far more important issues out there that far out-weigh a box sitting on MY porch waiting for garbage day. Go find a more meaningful cause to rally behind, you fucktard. Come bitch at me when I have a flaming baby on a spike in my front yard, THEN you'll have something to complain about. Or my downstairs neighbor, who hasn't paid rent since before I even moved in here (which was in October, mind you), bitching about the noise from the drum kit for Rock Band when he yells and screams (at nobody) starting at five in the morning. And why he has full-use of the driveway when he doesn't even own a car - and I have to park in the street is still a mystery to me. Oh, right, because he doesn't have a key to the front entry-way... yet that still doesn't stop him from using it and not keeping it locked. Do I knock on his door and start yelling and screaming at him for these abuses? Nope. It isn't worth it to me. What would I gain from it? What difference would it make? Nothing, none.
People disgust me, profoundly. I will never understand them, or what drives them in their endless madness. Petty cruelties, gross extravagances, silly war games. I feel so detached from humanity.
That's another thing I find humorous - the word HUMANE.
1. characterized by tenderness, compassion, and sympathy for people and animals, esp. for the suffering or distressed: humane treatment of horses.
2. of or pertaining to humanistic studies.
That such a meaning is derived from so vicious an animal is kind of paradoxical. In my opinion, the word should have this meaning:
-adjective,
1. willfully or knowingly causing pain or distress to others.
2. enjoying the pain or distress of others: the humane spectators of the gladiatorial contests.
3. causing or marked by great pain or distress: a humane remark; a humane affliction.
4. rigid; stern; strict; unrelentingly severe.
-Synonyms 1. bloodthirsty, ferocious, merciless, relentless. Cruel, pitiless, ruthless, brutal, savage imply readiness to cause pain to others. Humane implies willingness to cause pain, and indifference to suffering: a humane stepfather. Pitiless adds the idea of refusal to show compassion: pitiless to captives. Ruthless implies humanity and unscrupulousness, letting nothing stand in one's way: ruthless greed. Brutal implies humanity that takes the form of physical violence: a brutal master. Savage suggests fierceness and brutality: savage battles.
These are just my thoughts upon stopping to think this morning.
How did things get so thoroughly fucked? Where was the turning point that my life decided to take the "To Hell" detour? I can tick off countless things that have gone wrong in the past year, and yet not even a handful of things that have worked to my benefit. I certainly am not that bad of a person where I'm deserving of the atrocities that have befallen me, not that I'm saying life is fair - but this is just god damn ridiculous. I certainly don't view it as a learning or growing experience, as all that it has accomplished is in making me even more bitter, cynical, and distrusting of society and the world as a whole.
I lack motivation now more than I ever have. I'm fearful of pursuing anything that might better myself because the let-down is inevitable, the fall unavoidable. Yet I still desire to do such things, I'm quite weary of it all. I'm sure a psychiatrist would have a seizure over my accumulated psyche issues.
I try to maintain an upbeat attitude, to let things slide off of my back. Epic fail. Everything gets to me, regardless of my attempts to guise it. I really don't see the point in anything these days. Why bother? Why try? The world goes on whether or not any one of us exists. We are meaningless. Gasoline is four dollars a gallon, the average citizen can't reasonably afford that - who cares? Thousands of Americans can't afford health insurance, they go untreated for their illnesses and even die while even most third-world countries have nationalized health care which provides everything to them at little to no cost - who cares? No one. At least not enough to make a difference. The world goes on, it doesn't skip a fuckin' beat while many go on suffering, because in the end, nothing matters. Not to the world at large.
I listen to people drone on and on about the petty annoyances in their day-to-day lives, neighbors complaining about a cardboard box on my front porch, for instance. I want to slap them in the mouth and tell them that there are far more important issues out there that far out-weigh a box sitting on MY porch waiting for garbage day. Go find a more meaningful cause to rally behind, you fucktard. Come bitch at me when I have a flaming baby on a spike in my front yard, THEN you'll have something to complain about. Or my downstairs neighbor, who hasn't paid rent since before I even moved in here (which was in October, mind you), bitching about the noise from the drum kit for Rock Band when he yells and screams (at nobody) starting at five in the morning. And why he has full-use of the driveway when he doesn't even own a car - and I have to park in the street is still a mystery to me. Oh, right, because he doesn't have a key to the front entry-way... yet that still doesn't stop him from using it and not keeping it locked. Do I knock on his door and start yelling and screaming at him for these abuses? Nope. It isn't worth it to me. What would I gain from it? What difference would it make? Nothing, none.
People disgust me, profoundly. I will never understand them, or what drives them in their endless madness. Petty cruelties, gross extravagances, silly war games. I feel so detached from humanity.
That's another thing I find humorous - the word HUMANE.
1. characterized by tenderness, compassion, and sympathy for people and animals, esp. for the suffering or distressed: humane treatment of horses.
2. of or pertaining to humanistic studies.
That such a meaning is derived from so vicious an animal is kind of paradoxical. In my opinion, the word should have this meaning:
-adjective,
1. willfully or knowingly causing pain or distress to others.
2. enjoying the pain or distress of others: the humane spectators of the gladiatorial contests.
3. causing or marked by great pain or distress: a humane remark; a humane affliction.
4. rigid; stern; strict; unrelentingly severe.
-Synonyms 1. bloodthirsty, ferocious, merciless, relentless. Cruel, pitiless, ruthless, brutal, savage imply readiness to cause pain to others. Humane implies willingness to cause pain, and indifference to suffering: a humane stepfather. Pitiless adds the idea of refusal to show compassion: pitiless to captives. Ruthless implies humanity and unscrupulousness, letting nothing stand in one's way: ruthless greed. Brutal implies humanity that takes the form of physical violence: a brutal master. Savage suggests fierceness and brutality: savage battles.
These are just my thoughts upon stopping to think this morning.