thought processing time.
i am so stressed out, but in reality i have almost nothing to be stressed about.
like... i was stressed about theory all summer, but not anymore.
then i was stressed about west side dancing in character shoes all summer.
then i was stressed about biloxi and learning my lines, and now i know all of my lines.
and i don't really have anything to be stressed about, but that makes me stressed out because i know i haven't really existed without stress in years and it makes me feel like i must be forgetting something. maybe i'm just paranoid - well, i mean, obviously i'm paranoid but maybe that's all i am.
well, the past few days have had had their share.
sometimes i feel like when you write about something it looses it's... credibility.
it's not as nice when you blow it up and spread around how nice it is to the whole world.
...but maybe i should have. maybe that's what was missing.
but credibility doesn't matter when you're too much of an ass, and your life is too complicated to just stick with anything good.
i always think about the future, and plan my career and my love life.
like... 'ashley met _______ in her senior year in high school and there was an instant connection.' but i think about it too much. and i've missed every window of opportunity ever thrown my way. for example- i'm going into senior year single, and i'm probably coming out of it single. i'm going to be that girl that no body dates because i don't have time for anything. and because nothing about me can't keep another person happy long enough for them to stay. and because i can't keep myself happy long enough to stay with another person.
i don't audition in the city, even though, if i actually wanted to do something with my life i would have had to start auditioning years ago. i find auditions in the city that i'm not qualified for and i plan on going to them and then i don't because i'm not qualified for them. but then where's the time to make something of yourself when you're jumping from community theater show to community theater show.
ok.
here's what i think.
i think it's about time for me to be 16.
to sit in a classroom and retain information about philosophy and music theory.
to go to the school drama and school musical rehearsal and do whatever i'll be doing.
to come home and do social studies and spanish homework.
to finish up and go to class at gateway or to work.
to take drivers ed (haha. i should probably really do that in a serious way)
maybe that's what i need. maybe i need to be a busy high school student who focuses all of her effort on high school, and high school related activities.
maybe i just need to focus on what's here and now and NOT what's letter.
maybe i need to not obsess and to just "be"
i will find an opportunity at some point that is perfect for me.
there has to be something.
i'm done.
my entries make less and less sense as each day goes by.
like... i was stressed about theory all summer, but not anymore.
then i was stressed about west side dancing in character shoes all summer.
then i was stressed about biloxi and learning my lines, and now i know all of my lines.
and i don't really have anything to be stressed about, but that makes me stressed out because i know i haven't really existed without stress in years and it makes me feel like i must be forgetting something. maybe i'm just paranoid - well, i mean, obviously i'm paranoid but maybe that's all i am.
well, the past few days have had had their share.
sometimes i feel like when you write about something it looses it's... credibility.
it's not as nice when you blow it up and spread around how nice it is to the whole world.
...but maybe i should have. maybe that's what was missing.
but credibility doesn't matter when you're too much of an ass, and your life is too complicated to just stick with anything good.
i always think about the future, and plan my career and my love life.
like... 'ashley met _______ in her senior year in high school and there was an instant connection.' but i think about it too much. and i've missed every window of opportunity ever thrown my way. for example- i'm going into senior year single, and i'm probably coming out of it single. i'm going to be that girl that no body dates because i don't have time for anything. and because nothing about me can't keep another person happy long enough for them to stay. and because i can't keep myself happy long enough to stay with another person.
i don't audition in the city, even though, if i actually wanted to do something with my life i would have had to start auditioning years ago. i find auditions in the city that i'm not qualified for and i plan on going to them and then i don't because i'm not qualified for them. but then where's the time to make something of yourself when you're jumping from community theater show to community theater show.
ok.
here's what i think.
i think it's about time for me to be 16.
to sit in a classroom and retain information about philosophy and music theory.
to go to the school drama and school musical rehearsal and do whatever i'll be doing.
to come home and do social studies and spanish homework.
to finish up and go to class at gateway or to work.
to take drivers ed (haha. i should probably really do that in a serious way)
maybe that's what i need. maybe i need to be a busy high school student who focuses all of her effort on high school, and high school related activities.
maybe i just need to focus on what's here and now and NOT what's letter.
maybe i need to not obsess and to just "be"
i will find an opportunity at some point that is perfect for me.
there has to be something.
i'm done.
my entries make less and less sense as each day goes by.