I miss IP
I never thought I would say this, but I miss the hospital.
I want to cry when I think of the support I had there anytime I wanted. I feel like I'm dangling, suspended in the air, waiting to fall. It seems strange for me to msis a place where there were so many rules I really disliked like: lights out at 10 PM, no caffeinated/diet drinks, having blood drawn 2x/day, having a magnesium IV 4 hours per day every single day, having an NG tube and having that NG tube flushed every 4 hours, being woken up during the night to flush the tube, etc.
But, underneath all that I miss the core of IP treatment. For once in my life I didn't have to do everything on my own. I could hand over some of that responsibility to others and just live life from one day to the next. The extent of my concerns was narrowed down to what my meal plan would be that week, how many snacks I would have to eat, etc. It was so much easier than "the real world". There were people who would take control and do "what is best" for me, whether I liked it or not.
In some ways I want to escape to that controlled and predictable world again. I'm feeling especially triggered this morning to go down that path again, to be "rescued" from life which is currently too overwhelming. There are too many things I don't want to deal with, so maybe this is my cowardly way of saying, "help me", once again using my body instead of my words to ask for what I need.
I want to cry when I think of the support I had there anytime I wanted. I feel like I'm dangling, suspended in the air, waiting to fall. It seems strange for me to msis a place where there were so many rules I really disliked like: lights out at 10 PM, no caffeinated/diet drinks, having blood drawn 2x/day, having a magnesium IV 4 hours per day every single day, having an NG tube and having that NG tube flushed every 4 hours, being woken up during the night to flush the tube, etc.
But, underneath all that I miss the core of IP treatment. For once in my life I didn't have to do everything on my own. I could hand over some of that responsibility to others and just live life from one day to the next. The extent of my concerns was narrowed down to what my meal plan would be that week, how many snacks I would have to eat, etc. It was so much easier than "the real world". There were people who would take control and do "what is best" for me, whether I liked it or not.
In some ways I want to escape to that controlled and predictable world again. I'm feeling especially triggered this morning to go down that path again, to be "rescued" from life which is currently too overwhelming. There are too many things I don't want to deal with, so maybe this is my cowardly way of saying, "help me", once again using my body instead of my words to ask for what I need.