A friend lost.
Today has been a difficult day. Here it is 3 AM and once again I'm wide awake waiting for time to mend this part of me that keeps on breaking. I've washed the dishes in the sink, newspapers I've thrown away and now I have to much time to think. I've called up to Heaven and I'm crawling through hell. Nothing will change the way things are and it seems nothing ever will. He doesn't know about all the 3 AM's I spend wresteling with his ghost. I don't know if I will ever fully get over him and nothing I can say ever will bring him back, I know that is true. I have nothing left to show except the memories of what once was. Today I lost one of my best friends, even in spite of all I tried. I wrote a blog out of anger and the things I said were very hurtful and as everyone knows when I'm angry or hurt I fire back. I just keep asking myself anymore why he is now gone forever, my heart just keeps saying this can't be happening. It just realized not to long ago that he would never be anything more to me than a friend, and now he isn't even that. Now all I can do is hold on to what I have left of him and what could have been. It feels like a bullet to the heart and there are moments I can't even breathe. I forgave in the hopes to be forgiven, I've made changes in my life and the way I live this life, I don't take what I have for granted, I value my friends even more than ever and now the person that has been my best friend for four years and three of that we spent together as lovers is out of my life. I had to go through and take him off all my sites, just because I couldn't just be an "online" friend and watch his life in status updates and in things sent to me on facebook and what not, and not be able to talk to him. When he said good bye, it was the hardest thing I ever did and that was let go. We both swore we would remain friends, and now that isn't even possible from his side. I just still can't believe that he is gone out of my life completely. I wish it could be that easy for me. I've told everyone I'm doing fine and I've learned to get on with my life and this has just tripped me up big time. God help me I miss him and I just want to be his friend and he be mine. I don't know what else to do or say. I've said I'm sorry and it takes a bigger man or woman to put their pride aside and say I'm sorry and to admit they were wrong. God help me just make it through this, I don't think he will ever know how sorry I am.