My thoughts.
Today is one of those days I’m finding it hard to fight off emotions. Yesterday was not easy, it was just one more day of removing the last pieces of Rick from my life. I would have been okay if I hadn’t cried after I signed the papers and got back into the car. I cried almost uncontrollably. We were together three long years. I don’t know anymore how much of it was truth, false hope, and lies. What I do know that is the person that I loved all those years is gone and has just wiped me out of his life as if I never existed. I don’t understand how he can do that, some people I guess just can. There are still times when I wake up and automatically reach for him. Then I have most days when I’m okay. Today and some days try as I may I can’t explain them away. There are still times my heart breaks, but how can a heart break that has been broken for years? I still feel like an idiot for lashing back at him for some stupid shit some of his friends sent to me. They weren’t the most polite things and I was in a day like this that it kicked from confused and hurt to down right pissed. Since that blog I wrote went up, he won’t even speak to me. I’ve done everything I can to apologize for some of the stuff that I said, because one it was down right hurtful and uncalled for. Seems to me what I’m good at is hurtful and mean when I’m pissed. Hopefully one day he and I can become friends. It matters no more what they say or how they attack, it only matters what I answer to. I know I can’t be what I’m not. I know my love won’t go on forever and my tears will turn into laughter. No matter what people say, losing someone that you love that much after that long just kills apart of you. The days are better, the nights are getting better. I’m not afraid to laugh anymore and I’ve let all the self doubt go. I have forgiven myself and in the hopes to be forgiven. I have forgiven and let go the grudges I held on to for so long. My brain and heart have finally clicked together to realize there is no coming back from this one. I’m not even 30 yet, yes apart of me was happy to be settled down with someone and happy. A part of me still wants that and then there is apart of me that doesn’t want to let anyone back in. There is no more finding things to do to fight sleep because of his memory. There is no more getting in the car and getting ready to run for him and hoping he accepts me again. There is no more looking like hell or drinking more than I ever drank. There is no more praying to God and holding the hope that he will come back because sometimes he is more than a memory. I can only take what is offered and that is it. If he wants me out of his life totally I have to accept that and just let it go and move on. I have a song that I hold on to dearly. It seems to fit me to a “t” most of the lyrics. The one that flat does it for me is “Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing, let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning , let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong, throw that stone away, let the guilty pay, it’s Independence day.” So I guess whatever happens will come true in the end. It always does. This is an old, cold world if you keep it to yourself. You can’t hide on the inside the pain you’ve ever felt. You can’t look back, because there is nothing to go back to. All you can do is surrender your hopes and dreams. Sometimes life can feel like its moving way to fast. We can use all the words that we deny that love doesn’t last. It has taken me a long time to see any of this. Then you have the times that it feels that hands of time are standing still and all you do is fight your way back up to the top. Hell there have been times I’ve gone round and round with myself for hours trying to find an easy way out, and there isn’t one. Things in my past will be a tough act to follow, but it is no surprise that I’m here when I am. Hell my emotions just all came out when I didn’t think they could, and damn did it feel good. I’ve let go just to walk this crazy line of life I walk. God knows I’ve tried to find an easier way, but deep down inside I know this is the path I need to go. I can go to the favorite places that once lovers and I went to and feel that old embrace or I can go there on my own and just know it is just me and myself, because I’m better where I am now. If I could see the future and how it played out that would be a grand thing, but as in the days of old, I can not change the past nor can I predict the future. Again that is no surprise to me. Then it comes to the thinking of how can we be lovers if we can’t even be friends, how could we start over if the fighting never ends, how can we make amends if we can’t be happy friends. We tried to work out and never got it right, there was no communication, it was a no win situation. We quit talking with so much to say, and I used to believe that love could free us, I thought we could stop the love from dying., love is tough and I thought we could take it even when times were rough, that we could make it and work it out. I’ve seen that all now. It answered all the questions of why, well most of the questions I had answered. There are questions I may never have an answer to. I’ve just learned that I can’t burn the bridges like I used to, because one day I might need to cross that bridge again, and believe me it is no fun swimming in the shark infested waters below to get across when that bridge isn’t there anymore. I’ve waited for so long to for my dreams to turn into something, to let go and give into myself, now I’m going to life again. I chase every moment, this really is the time of my life now. I held onto things that tore me to pieces now I’m rising from the ashes and finding my way, this is the time to be more than a name, this is time to be my, myself and fight for everything I ever wanted and had a dream for. So I end here. Yeah I know my thoughts are all over the place, but you know that’s me. What comes to mind goes right to the blog.