An long due update.
Well according to this it has been 49 weeks since I last updated my LJ. The only reason I'm doing it now is Myspace isn't working correctly.
So anyways, life... It has hit full force as normal and it has an added twist to it this time. I'm doing it mainly on my own. In the last three months I have made sure all the bills are paid at least enough to stay on and now I have them paid up and in full thankfully so they are lower. Rick has had several expenses come up. First Christmas, second his brothers wedding, third his hours at work just plain sucking and finally last weekend he needed his whole check to go out for the weekend.
He asked me why Amy blew up over my Taurus tonight and I explained it was the slushy that was left in the car that someone tried to throw out the window while driving and it flew back in all over the car and down into the gear selector. That kind of opened the gates of what everyone is saying about Rick and I told him everything that has been told to me. I'm confused as all hell as what to do. Mom said no matter what I won't loose my house and Robbie and Ty said that they will help me to, even my little brother said he would help. What I get a month right now on disability isn't much, but at least it is paying the bills.
Mom has been pretty heated since she found out that Rick came back into town while he was on his "vacation to unwind" for a whole day and didn't even call or txt message me or stop back at home to say hi. I just let it go and stayed with my dogs reading my book or watching TV or playing the 360. Then he made everyone wonder what the hell was going on because I was just about to shut down my game on the 360 to watch idol and Rick goes and gets dressed and leaves and goes to my moms to watch it and leaves me here alone.
In short I'm torn in what to do, I love him with all that I am and I just want him to be happy. Everyone assumes he is seeing someone else online or in real time some how, I give him the benefit of the doubt, but I did tell him if he is and it makes him happy then I'm happy for the most part. I don't much care sharing the man I love with someone else, but if that is what it takes I guess I'll have to do it.
I guess I'm starting the process of trying to let go I think. My next paycheck, Mom and I are taking Rick up to CNAC in Erie and we will file for his name to be removed from the loan and it left souly in my name.
I wonder how people work their way up to divorce? How do they find the courage or the strength to do it. How do they hold on while in the process of it? I don't know I guess once things have gone so far that they are able to do it.
The things that I said tonight... I've been holding in for a little while now. I was kind of a relief and a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Like I have said over and over time after time, I just want to be loved and wanted, the thing I have never said in that equation is I want to be happy to. Just once I would love for him to wrap his arms around me and hug me, or roll over in bed and just put his arm acrossed me, or to just make love to me and do the things with me that he talks to all these other men about doing.
I'm in love with a man, that I don't think is in love with me. The question is how do I let go if that is the fact. I stopped doubting him after valentines day, the card he gave me said everything I ever felt from him. Then when it came down to the line for my life and everything that happened, he told everyone "he got what he deserved" and left it at that. Mom said he was worried, but hell he even scared Robbie and Ty telling them that if I went to jail that they would have to find a new place to live because the house would be gone. It is in the past, forgiven and nothing I can do about it.
Is it to selfish to ask him to love me like he used to? To be there for me when I need him? To spend some time with me? To make love to me? Is that really to much to ask?
So anyways, life... It has hit full force as normal and it has an added twist to it this time. I'm doing it mainly on my own. In the last three months I have made sure all the bills are paid at least enough to stay on and now I have them paid up and in full thankfully so they are lower. Rick has had several expenses come up. First Christmas, second his brothers wedding, third his hours at work just plain sucking and finally last weekend he needed his whole check to go out for the weekend.
He asked me why Amy blew up over my Taurus tonight and I explained it was the slushy that was left in the car that someone tried to throw out the window while driving and it flew back in all over the car and down into the gear selector. That kind of opened the gates of what everyone is saying about Rick and I told him everything that has been told to me. I'm confused as all hell as what to do. Mom said no matter what I won't loose my house and Robbie and Ty said that they will help me to, even my little brother said he would help. What I get a month right now on disability isn't much, but at least it is paying the bills.
Mom has been pretty heated since she found out that Rick came back into town while he was on his "vacation to unwind" for a whole day and didn't even call or txt message me or stop back at home to say hi. I just let it go and stayed with my dogs reading my book or watching TV or playing the 360. Then he made everyone wonder what the hell was going on because I was just about to shut down my game on the 360 to watch idol and Rick goes and gets dressed and leaves and goes to my moms to watch it and leaves me here alone.
In short I'm torn in what to do, I love him with all that I am and I just want him to be happy. Everyone assumes he is seeing someone else online or in real time some how, I give him the benefit of the doubt, but I did tell him if he is and it makes him happy then I'm happy for the most part. I don't much care sharing the man I love with someone else, but if that is what it takes I guess I'll have to do it.
I guess I'm starting the process of trying to let go I think. My next paycheck, Mom and I are taking Rick up to CNAC in Erie and we will file for his name to be removed from the loan and it left souly in my name.
I wonder how people work their way up to divorce? How do they find the courage or the strength to do it. How do they hold on while in the process of it? I don't know I guess once things have gone so far that they are able to do it.
The things that I said tonight... I've been holding in for a little while now. I was kind of a relief and a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Like I have said over and over time after time, I just want to be loved and wanted, the thing I have never said in that equation is I want to be happy to. Just once I would love for him to wrap his arms around me and hug me, or roll over in bed and just put his arm acrossed me, or to just make love to me and do the things with me that he talks to all these other men about doing.
I'm in love with a man, that I don't think is in love with me. The question is how do I let go if that is the fact. I stopped doubting him after valentines day, the card he gave me said everything I ever felt from him. Then when it came down to the line for my life and everything that happened, he told everyone "he got what he deserved" and left it at that. Mom said he was worried, but hell he even scared Robbie and Ty telling them that if I went to jail that they would have to find a new place to live because the house would be gone. It is in the past, forgiven and nothing I can do about it.
Is it to selfish to ask him to love me like he used to? To be there for me when I need him? To spend some time with me? To make love to me? Is that really to much to ask?