split
i'm completely two different people sometimes. or...most of the time i think. example: i want to be carefree, easy going and not give a fuck about anything. on the other hand, i want to have discipline in my life and work for things i need and want. i want to have amazing jobs that i would have to work hard for...but i also feel like i want things to just "fall into place"...or to not try and just see what happens.(i'm not just talking about being lazy here, btw). another example: i want to be with one person. i want to know love and be in love and blah blah blah. i also wonder if monogamy is really worth it and possible and maybe i shouldn't be in a serious relationship because there are billions of people in the world; how could i choose one when there are so many choices?
this two sided thing goes into every aspect of my life: religion (i believe in Jesus but i also believe in evolution and maybe abortion or having sex before marriage isn't so bad), school (i want to graduate and have a degree (i guess) but i also hate anthropology at OSU and have thought about changing schools...), friends (to all the people who are my friends but not really, i really just want to tell them to go fuck themselves, but i probably won't cause every once and awhile we have a good time together), ex-boyfriends (i want to fuck them again even though half of them are psychotic), extended family (who are these people? we have nothing in common. if we weren't related we would never talk to each other).....*sigh*.....etc.
i guess i don't exactly know why i'm thinking about this, but i'm always so fucking back and forth about everything. (i want to work out....nah. i should do my homework....nah....) i know what i need to do but i lack discipline. maybe thats the basis of all of it....but thats not even the most difficult part. its like i just feel two different ways about everything and i don't feel like i can or should feel like that. maybe i feel like it should be black and white when everything is gray. hmm.
i feel like i'm at the point now where its like i choose whether to say 'fuck it all' or to put my foot down and do something drastic. i don't know anymore.
yes eric....i think i will be coming home with more questions than answers. and even though in some ways that does suck, it is also good because i'd rather ask and never know than to just accept everything and be ignorant and naive.
this two sided thing goes into every aspect of my life: religion (i believe in Jesus but i also believe in evolution and maybe abortion or having sex before marriage isn't so bad), school (i want to graduate and have a degree (i guess) but i also hate anthropology at OSU and have thought about changing schools...), friends (to all the people who are my friends but not really, i really just want to tell them to go fuck themselves, but i probably won't cause every once and awhile we have a good time together), ex-boyfriends (i want to fuck them again even though half of them are psychotic), extended family (who are these people? we have nothing in common. if we weren't related we would never talk to each other).....*sigh*.....etc.
i guess i don't exactly know why i'm thinking about this, but i'm always so fucking back and forth about everything. (i want to work out....nah. i should do my homework....nah....) i know what i need to do but i lack discipline. maybe thats the basis of all of it....but thats not even the most difficult part. its like i just feel two different ways about everything and i don't feel like i can or should feel like that. maybe i feel like it should be black and white when everything is gray. hmm.
i feel like i'm at the point now where its like i choose whether to say 'fuck it all' or to put my foot down and do something drastic. i don't know anymore.
yes eric....i think i will be coming home with more questions than answers. and even though in some ways that does suck, it is also good because i'd rather ask and never know than to just accept everything and be ignorant and naive.