Fireworks
Late entry is late. Suffice to say I've been busy lately, but there's a lot to write down.
Against my better judgment, Miss Corwin came to visit the weekend of the 4th of July. With her came all sorts of old emotions - some bad, like the breakup memories from last fall, while some good, like my rekindled love for Corwin-Chalkey adventures, and a suave confidence I had whenever I was trying to impress her. Also, I cleaned my apartment to impress her as well, so having a clean place to live was refreshing. It was a pretty good weekend, too; we snuck into the aquarium, sparing a $20 entree fee, we toured the big city and peaceful parks of Boston, and went clubbing with Gabby and a few friends. Gabby sort of left early, partially to get to bed at a reasonable hour and partially because she felt a little excluded after all the attention I stupidly gave Miss Corwin. She was not present for anything else above mentioned.
Fully aware I was hurting Gabby, I still couldn't really help but aim for some alone time with Miss Corwin. There's a sort of weird feeling unresolved ambition that comes when you see an unrequited ex. There's the ever so subtle alertness that overcomes you, constantly vigilant for the slightest connotations. And even when you are happily with a pokemon playing, fiscally responsible and troll-loving girlfriend, it's still difficult to not want to impress said ex. The apartment had to be clean, my job and love life had to be obviously doing well. It isn't always a "Look how much better I am without you," or even a "I just want you to know that my life goes on without you - look, I'm not clingy!" Sometimes, it's just a "You were once a big part of my life, and regardless of the present I still care what you think of me."
Which is why it struck me as very troubling when the first thing Miss Corwin said about Gabby was that she thought I was settling. Yes, I should have stopped her there and defended Gabby. But old fingers still lingered, and I felt compelled to hear her out: Gabby is not as adventurous. She's a little more codependent. I don't have "the spark" that I had with Miss Corwin - or so she said she observed. Her last night in town, we stayed in and talked about this for pretty much the whole time. Eventually, I got some sense and told her that an ex doesn't get the right to say that about the current relationship - and much less if me acting on such advice would lead to nothing with her. To try and convince me to break up with a girl and not even have remote interest in me is not only stupid, but it's pretty cruel. To even the score, I asked her if she found what she was looking for when she broke up with me "for more experience." She replied, "Not really," and I told her that she knew no more about this stuff than I did. After a brief cooling off period, we apologized to each other and went inside.
Feeling sort of dishonest, I eventually told found Gabby on the 4th of July, making a point to tell her some of this (but damn sure not all of it) after Miss Corwin left. I told her that exes bring back old feelings, and that even though my feelings for her probably won't go away when I wish for them to, I had no intention of leaving her for Miss Corwin. I told her the topic of settling came up (though, to prevent Gabby from resenting her predecessor any more, I omitted how the conversation came up), and I told her that Miss Corwin helped me to realize the opposite: that perhaps I'm not jumping through as many hoops for Gabby as I did Miss Corwin because I actually feel safe. Perhaps I feel like I am fine just the way that I am around her. Dating a best friend, I told her, was hardly settling.
I still remember a year ago, feeling lonely on the 4th of July after hoping to spend it with Miss Corwin and getting blown off once again. She always seemed to enjoy my company, but she never quite went out of her way for me - I always felt like I was just something for her to do. With Gabby, I find myself occasionally annoyed at how much time she wants to spend with me, but I always know where I stand. It may not be as passionate, but I am with someone that loves me, and someone that I love, and to that end I think I'm romantically far better off than I was this time last year.
The fireworks went off, and we kissed. Or, if I want to be cliche, I'll say that the order should be reversed there.
-Didroy
Against my better judgment, Miss Corwin came to visit the weekend of the 4th of July. With her came all sorts of old emotions - some bad, like the breakup memories from last fall, while some good, like my rekindled love for Corwin-Chalkey adventures, and a suave confidence I had whenever I was trying to impress her. Also, I cleaned my apartment to impress her as well, so having a clean place to live was refreshing. It was a pretty good weekend, too; we snuck into the aquarium, sparing a $20 entree fee, we toured the big city and peaceful parks of Boston, and went clubbing with Gabby and a few friends. Gabby sort of left early, partially to get to bed at a reasonable hour and partially because she felt a little excluded after all the attention I stupidly gave Miss Corwin. She was not present for anything else above mentioned.
Fully aware I was hurting Gabby, I still couldn't really help but aim for some alone time with Miss Corwin. There's a sort of weird feeling unresolved ambition that comes when you see an unrequited ex. There's the ever so subtle alertness that overcomes you, constantly vigilant for the slightest connotations. And even when you are happily with a pokemon playing, fiscally responsible and troll-loving girlfriend, it's still difficult to not want to impress said ex. The apartment had to be clean, my job and love life had to be obviously doing well. It isn't always a "Look how much better I am without you," or even a "I just want you to know that my life goes on without you - look, I'm not clingy!" Sometimes, it's just a "You were once a big part of my life, and regardless of the present I still care what you think of me."
Which is why it struck me as very troubling when the first thing Miss Corwin said about Gabby was that she thought I was settling. Yes, I should have stopped her there and defended Gabby. But old fingers still lingered, and I felt compelled to hear her out: Gabby is not as adventurous. She's a little more codependent. I don't have "the spark" that I had with Miss Corwin - or so she said she observed. Her last night in town, we stayed in and talked about this for pretty much the whole time. Eventually, I got some sense and told her that an ex doesn't get the right to say that about the current relationship - and much less if me acting on such advice would lead to nothing with her. To try and convince me to break up with a girl and not even have remote interest in me is not only stupid, but it's pretty cruel. To even the score, I asked her if she found what she was looking for when she broke up with me "for more experience." She replied, "Not really," and I told her that she knew no more about this stuff than I did. After a brief cooling off period, we apologized to each other and went inside.
Feeling sort of dishonest, I eventually told found Gabby on the 4th of July, making a point to tell her some of this (but damn sure not all of it) after Miss Corwin left. I told her that exes bring back old feelings, and that even though my feelings for her probably won't go away when I wish for them to, I had no intention of leaving her for Miss Corwin. I told her the topic of settling came up (though, to prevent Gabby from resenting her predecessor any more, I omitted how the conversation came up), and I told her that Miss Corwin helped me to realize the opposite: that perhaps I'm not jumping through as many hoops for Gabby as I did Miss Corwin because I actually feel safe. Perhaps I feel like I am fine just the way that I am around her. Dating a best friend, I told her, was hardly settling.
I still remember a year ago, feeling lonely on the 4th of July after hoping to spend it with Miss Corwin and getting blown off once again. She always seemed to enjoy my company, but she never quite went out of her way for me - I always felt like I was just something for her to do. With Gabby, I find myself occasionally annoyed at how much time she wants to spend with me, but I always know where I stand. It may not be as passionate, but I am with someone that loves me, and someone that I love, and to that end I think I'm romantically far better off than I was this time last year.
The fireworks went off, and we kissed. Or, if I want to be cliche, I'll say that the order should be reversed there.
-Didroy