(no subject)
i hate couples, i hate sun and fun, and california because its so far from here, and i hate couples... cuddling, sick, deplorable couples on a monday morning talking quietly in central park. i hate them.
i want to go home. i want my car and i want to go to USC instead. i dont know why the hell i didnt apply there..... what was wrong with me? why did new york look so damn good at the time? perhaps because it was the only big ivy league type school i could get into as far away from cali as possible. i dont hate cali, but i thought i did. the closeness to my dad sucks too. i was sure i'd be free from him, and i am for the most part, but i'd rather he not want to "meet me up for lunch" or "call and check up" or "have me meet his new whore".... fuck him. i hate him. even my dad can get someone. i can get someone, but i'm starting to doubt myself and i'm unhappy with everyone. not one single person catches my eye and still i'm unhappy. i guess i shouldnt complain.
i had my english prof pull me aside yesterday and she's a sweet middle aged woman and all, but her voice is really high-pitched and it annoys me.... yeah, so she pulls me aside to share with me... "your writing has been sloppy lately, i'm not doubting your ability, i think you are very talented with words, i just think you're getting lazy. it takes effort to get an A in this class.... and i've noticed how you always sneak by with an A-, you do the bear(?--am i using the right "bear"?) minimum to just get the A. i might pull something you're not expecting on the final, so just be aware and...... [yadda yadda]" she used the word "AWARE" like 10 times in her long spheal. i nodded and was polite and all, but she had the gaul to tell me, "Damien please take off your hood in class, it's rude to keep it on in front of a superior." ??!! wtf!? yeah, so like she think's she's "MY SUPERIOR?!" ok, sure, she's had a like a million years more of school than i have and she's pushing menopause, but that does not put her on a pedestal of glory. NO SIR! NO SHIT!
i'm just mad at things. i dont like someone telling me stuff. i never have. i can take it if one of my friend says it and says it in way that's civil, but i cant stand some dried out blonde 50 yr old telling me what to do. i'm losing my brownie points with the world right now.
i've explored being "bipolar".... i thought it was like a possibility, but its not. truthfully, i just dont like this place. you know the feeling when you're surrounded by a multitude but you still feel like the only breathing unit in the room... yeah..... *big red arrow points to damien*
i need to go to church. i feel guilty about that too. i feel so far from god, and i know i've done it on my own. he never leaves, i just go wandering and have to come back to my creator. if my heart hurts, i wonder how badly i make His heart hurt every time i do what i do..... i was just sitting in my dorm this morning and kevin had left early and i just said outloud, "lord, were you lonely?" and suddenly it hit me... DUH!! HE WAS LONELY!! GOD WAS LONELY AND GOD NEEDED MAN TO FELLOWSHIP, HE WANTED SOMETHING TO LOVE HIM BACK... just like we all want. God is so much like man, we were even created in His image, it makes sense that we would feel as he feels and vise versa; at the same time, we're nothing like God, we're fragile, breakable, meager, weak. i'm realizing this more and more, especially as i drift further away from him, i'm nothing... i what the Lord has made me, and in it's own way it has value, it has glory, etc. an identity in Christ is what i need, not an identity of my own making, it will always fall short..... because i can't understand the world, i can't even understand myself. all i know is that i know nothing and that i'm going to keep seeking the truth until the day i die. for now, i seek truth in christ, who i have run from in the past.
oy. i'm such a very mixed up person... but then the healthy ones do not need a doctor, just as christ did not come for righteous... He came for all of us, no duh... but he came especially for the sick in spirit...and weak in heart. Me...... *sigh*
wow. i need to clean house in my heart.
i want to go home. i want my car and i want to go to USC instead. i dont know why the hell i didnt apply there..... what was wrong with me? why did new york look so damn good at the time? perhaps because it was the only big ivy league type school i could get into as far away from cali as possible. i dont hate cali, but i thought i did. the closeness to my dad sucks too. i was sure i'd be free from him, and i am for the most part, but i'd rather he not want to "meet me up for lunch" or "call and check up" or "have me meet his new whore".... fuck him. i hate him. even my dad can get someone. i can get someone, but i'm starting to doubt myself and i'm unhappy with everyone. not one single person catches my eye and still i'm unhappy. i guess i shouldnt complain.
i had my english prof pull me aside yesterday and she's a sweet middle aged woman and all, but her voice is really high-pitched and it annoys me.... yeah, so she pulls me aside to share with me... "your writing has been sloppy lately, i'm not doubting your ability, i think you are very talented with words, i just think you're getting lazy. it takes effort to get an A in this class.... and i've noticed how you always sneak by with an A-, you do the bear(?--am i using the right "bear"?) minimum to just get the A. i might pull something you're not expecting on the final, so just be aware and...... [yadda yadda]" she used the word "AWARE" like 10 times in her long spheal. i nodded and was polite and all, but she had the gaul to tell me, "Damien please take off your hood in class, it's rude to keep it on in front of a superior." ??!! wtf!? yeah, so like she think's she's "MY SUPERIOR?!" ok, sure, she's had a like a million years more of school than i have and she's pushing menopause, but that does not put her on a pedestal of glory. NO SIR! NO SHIT!
i'm just mad at things. i dont like someone telling me stuff. i never have. i can take it if one of my friend says it and says it in way that's civil, but i cant stand some dried out blonde 50 yr old telling me what to do. i'm losing my brownie points with the world right now.
i've explored being "bipolar".... i thought it was like a possibility, but its not. truthfully, i just dont like this place. you know the feeling when you're surrounded by a multitude but you still feel like the only breathing unit in the room... yeah..... *big red arrow points to damien*
i need to go to church. i feel guilty about that too. i feel so far from god, and i know i've done it on my own. he never leaves, i just go wandering and have to come back to my creator. if my heart hurts, i wonder how badly i make His heart hurt every time i do what i do..... i was just sitting in my dorm this morning and kevin had left early and i just said outloud, "lord, were you lonely?" and suddenly it hit me... DUH!! HE WAS LONELY!! GOD WAS LONELY AND GOD NEEDED MAN TO FELLOWSHIP, HE WANTED SOMETHING TO LOVE HIM BACK... just like we all want. God is so much like man, we were even created in His image, it makes sense that we would feel as he feels and vise versa; at the same time, we're nothing like God, we're fragile, breakable, meager, weak. i'm realizing this more and more, especially as i drift further away from him, i'm nothing... i what the Lord has made me, and in it's own way it has value, it has glory, etc. an identity in Christ is what i need, not an identity of my own making, it will always fall short..... because i can't understand the world, i can't even understand myself. all i know is that i know nothing and that i'm going to keep seeking the truth until the day i die. for now, i seek truth in christ, who i have run from in the past.
oy. i'm such a very mixed up person... but then the healthy ones do not need a doctor, just as christ did not come for righteous... He came for all of us, no duh... but he came especially for the sick in spirit...and weak in heart. Me...... *sigh*
wow. i need to clean house in my heart.