So, yesterday I was walking to work, and had this dawning realization. The middle-aged dancer friend, M, is so open with me. I thought he was flirting at first, but he seems really into emotional intimacy and heartfelt discussion. He texts me! Which feels so intimate. He emails almost daily, pithy ones.
And I realized on the walk to work: he accepts me just as I am. He LIKES me as a bouncy outspoken person. He likes talking with me.
And, I realized, bursting into tears, that all these other guys in my life are either too cool for school, or maybe too afraid, to be so present as M. I mean, I could fall in love with them and then what? I am a dangerous archetype, talking about my feelings, and FEELing my feelings, so much.
I wonder if M feels safer with being so open with me, because he's married to an amazing woman.
I wrote him a long email yesterday, and he seemed to really appreciate it. He pointed out that when he was younger, he had sex as a fast-track to emotional intimacy. Omg!
So, yeah.
Ive started writing the guys I'm actually dating or talking to, to tell them my realization. Yesterday I was a ball of emo, and cancelled my evening dance plans to have a quiet night at home. (I even downloaded my first torrented show in years, Plebs. It's enjoyable, if raunchy, some.)
I guess I'm officially one of those people with my heart on my sleeve. And, I'm re-evaluating those pie slices in my relationships. M said he aims for poly pie slices, without the sexual component.
I feel like I'm on the edge of an awakening, another one... But I just have to figure out my resolution. Do I give up sex with people who don't seem emotionally evolved? Do I get my emotional community elsewhere from the rest? Do I start dating older men exclusively? :p
On that tack, I'm meeting an old fling Wednesday, to talk / have dinner in public. After yesterday... Not sure what I want out of that interaction. The talk is to see if we want to "reconnect". Hell if I know what I want. This guy and I have had mega-sexual chemistry, at least in the past... Blah.
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