Return of the Vulcan Penis Problem
The other day, a friend with whom I'm writing some Trek smut asked me about my take on Vulcan anatomy, specifically the part that's never mentioned in canon.
You know, [points downward, stage whispering] Spock's thingie.
C'mon, it was relevant. I'm writing slash fiction with somebody I've never met.
Anyway, I began by saying that I don't believe there's an ultimate truth to the matter. Whatever writers make up is fine by me, as long as they themselves don't insist on any ultimate truth. Because, really, I mean, come on.
I pointed out that humaniform is good, and sexy, and has the added advantage of being easy to write. I've also heard of retractable, tentacled, and of course the infamous double-ridged (TM). Laura Goodwin, feminist kinkster and activist, has a fun essay about why the double-ridged penis, so popular with the previous generation of Treksmutters, is kind of silly and embarassing. It's full of some pretty strong opinions tho', so watch out.
Personally speaking, I likes me the idea of some alien dick. And, biologically, retractable makes a lot of sense. Vulcan is extremely dry, so you wouldn't want a big old glans (a.k.a.mucous membrane) dangling around 24/7. And since Vulcans probably urinate a lot less frequently than humans (if at all), it would make sense for them to keep their little sehlats safely tucked away until the onset of pon farr or the appearance of smooth-talking humanoids.
Hand in, uh, hand with retractable, goes the idea of self-lubricating. This has to do with Vulcan females who I imagine don't menstruate and are less leaky in other ways as well. Mr. Darwin thinks, the best way to assure the reproductive success of the species might be to distribute the burden of lubrication across the sexes. Both males and females lubricate somewhat, but mostly they are pretty sealed-up.
Uh, can you tell I like talking about this? [*shifty eyes*]
But I've had practise! I actually got slammed for writing a retractable penis into my voyeur!Sarek story by one guy who said that I *stole* the idea of a retractable penis from the furries (yikes!) and basically intimated that it was silly to have anything other than completely humaniform wieners for the sons of T'Khasi.
I didn't answer his post for a long time. It bugged me, but I kept thinking: Okay, I am not so insanely geeky that I will seriously argue about Vulcan trouser trout.
But then I broke down. Because, let's face it, I am that geeky.