Decided to update it
Okay, today I got an email from April and it was necessary that this teenager, who still goes to school had to tell me what she said for making me to get that it is time to stop feeling so self pity about myself and see that it is time for learning from my mistakes and giving myself a new chance. April said: “i spose it does get pretty boring being shacked up in ur house. id go nuts if that was me.” She is so right, it is so boring to be stucked at home during all the day, thinking about illness illness and illness all the time, without a chance to vent someway. I have two friends that come to see me sometimes but it is rare and mum just stays with me two hours by day. So, the rest of the day, since I stopped being on online chat, I spend watching TV or dreaming about something. If I don’t relieve my journal, I will start having a confused vision about real and unreal things again and that is something that I have decided to avoid, since my last bad experience on it.
I was thinking about what ive done. I know it was a big mistake and Ive accept all bad things that came through me as a consequence of that. But now I have to stop condemning myself. Ive learnt from that and even if some friends would never forgive me for that, I can just respect their decisions and do my best to live the reality and stop with fantasies etc.
Besides I can tell, Im not a total bad person. Ive seen people who keep the revenge and the anger in their heart for years when they got hurt, and they are like wanting to hurt those they consider enemies with all ways they have for it. Im so different of that. Even when ppl hurt me I can never hate them, I confess that when it happens I get mad but it longs just a few hours and then I always consider that everyone have a reason to make a mistake and that they deserve a new chance. I never wished or wish anything bad to anyone, on the contrary, it makes me really good to know that the ones I know are well, even if they don’t like me. I have this philosophy about things: if I know that good things are happening to someone, then it is cos good things can happen and it makes me positive about life.
Also I don’t believe about permanent punishment. I think that all humans make their mistakes and I consider so silly to put someone apart when it is much easier to forgive. It isn’t just easier, it is also good for soul doing that. Gandhi said that just a few who have mature and higher souls are able to really forgive all and then I would expect too much if I thought that all could do that. We are here for some reason, I think, and if it is true, I hope to find out a good reason to be here and I can’t link “good reasons” with low feelings such as revenge, anger, envy etc.
Ive lived in a hell til now for paying the price for my mistakes. I will never forget how much I disappointed friends and hurt them with lies. But I also know that the same friends lied too sometimes. I see some of these friends being so friendly to one another now and I remember a time when they weren’t talking and also the awful things they said on one another backs in the past. Yes, in the past. Cos now fortunately it is in the past and they are friends again. But, God! If they can be friends again, if they forgave one another, despite all the awful things I heard they said, why would I think that just I make mistakes and could never be forgiven for that? Im just human like them, maybe a little worse, but I know and they also know they made mistakes too and then I think that it is time for me to see that noone is perfect and that the best I have to do is to learn from my mistakes and try to be better now. What they think of it or about themselves and their faults is up to them. To expect high attitudes from everyone would be too much.
I tried to use messenger again a few days ago. It is still a bad thing for me now cos it still hurts to remember the time when I could talk to anyone. Besides I confess that it will take a long time til I accept that now people know how I really am when in other times I myself believed that saying that I was well and showing old pics of me I was really good and living a special life. I know it is a bad point about me cos it shows I haven’t accept my real conditions. Im sorry, but it is how things are. I will have to deal with that til the day I wouldn’t feel it so humiliating cos it is how I feel. Also it is difficult to talk to some again when I dunno if they believe me, it is a thing that was provoked for myself and I know that. Point is that I preferred to delete messenger again and just use email and journal to be in touch with who wants be in touch like that.
When all that shit happened about 2 or 3 months ago (ive lost the notion of time, sorry lol) I called a friend who wasn’t contacted to know about that and told him all the truth. He then said: “ok, but despite your lies I know u have a good soul. I just dunno why u had to do that. Anyway, I don’t love you any less now.” I really don’t think that I deserve a friend like that! And it is for friends like that that ive decided to change for better. Ive known here a lot of people with a special heart and im so glad that ive known them. Some made also a few mistakes but all their mistakes never changed my feelings for them. You know who you are, my friends, and I so wanna say thank you and dedicate those words of Gandhi for u and I hope that u believe that u have a mature and higher soul, and use it to improve your selfsteem. And I so much wish that all, not just u, but that all of those I one day knew online find and keep the joy of this life for all days they will live.
Love,
Diana
I was thinking about what ive done. I know it was a big mistake and Ive accept all bad things that came through me as a consequence of that. But now I have to stop condemning myself. Ive learnt from that and even if some friends would never forgive me for that, I can just respect their decisions and do my best to live the reality and stop with fantasies etc.
Besides I can tell, Im not a total bad person. Ive seen people who keep the revenge and the anger in their heart for years when they got hurt, and they are like wanting to hurt those they consider enemies with all ways they have for it. Im so different of that. Even when ppl hurt me I can never hate them, I confess that when it happens I get mad but it longs just a few hours and then I always consider that everyone have a reason to make a mistake and that they deserve a new chance. I never wished or wish anything bad to anyone, on the contrary, it makes me really good to know that the ones I know are well, even if they don’t like me. I have this philosophy about things: if I know that good things are happening to someone, then it is cos good things can happen and it makes me positive about life.
Also I don’t believe about permanent punishment. I think that all humans make their mistakes and I consider so silly to put someone apart when it is much easier to forgive. It isn’t just easier, it is also good for soul doing that. Gandhi said that just a few who have mature and higher souls are able to really forgive all and then I would expect too much if I thought that all could do that. We are here for some reason, I think, and if it is true, I hope to find out a good reason to be here and I can’t link “good reasons” with low feelings such as revenge, anger, envy etc.
Ive lived in a hell til now for paying the price for my mistakes. I will never forget how much I disappointed friends and hurt them with lies. But I also know that the same friends lied too sometimes. I see some of these friends being so friendly to one another now and I remember a time when they weren’t talking and also the awful things they said on one another backs in the past. Yes, in the past. Cos now fortunately it is in the past and they are friends again. But, God! If they can be friends again, if they forgave one another, despite all the awful things I heard they said, why would I think that just I make mistakes and could never be forgiven for that? Im just human like them, maybe a little worse, but I know and they also know they made mistakes too and then I think that it is time for me to see that noone is perfect and that the best I have to do is to learn from my mistakes and try to be better now. What they think of it or about themselves and their faults is up to them. To expect high attitudes from everyone would be too much.
I tried to use messenger again a few days ago. It is still a bad thing for me now cos it still hurts to remember the time when I could talk to anyone. Besides I confess that it will take a long time til I accept that now people know how I really am when in other times I myself believed that saying that I was well and showing old pics of me I was really good and living a special life. I know it is a bad point about me cos it shows I haven’t accept my real conditions. Im sorry, but it is how things are. I will have to deal with that til the day I wouldn’t feel it so humiliating cos it is how I feel. Also it is difficult to talk to some again when I dunno if they believe me, it is a thing that was provoked for myself and I know that. Point is that I preferred to delete messenger again and just use email and journal to be in touch with who wants be in touch like that.
When all that shit happened about 2 or 3 months ago (ive lost the notion of time, sorry lol) I called a friend who wasn’t contacted to know about that and told him all the truth. He then said: “ok, but despite your lies I know u have a good soul. I just dunno why u had to do that. Anyway, I don’t love you any less now.” I really don’t think that I deserve a friend like that! And it is for friends like that that ive decided to change for better. Ive known here a lot of people with a special heart and im so glad that ive known them. Some made also a few mistakes but all their mistakes never changed my feelings for them. You know who you are, my friends, and I so wanna say thank you and dedicate those words of Gandhi for u and I hope that u believe that u have a mature and higher soul, and use it to improve your selfsteem. And I so much wish that all, not just u, but that all of those I one day knew online find and keep the joy of this life for all days they will live.
Love,
Diana