I am in repair.

[diamondjul]

I feel like I am drowning. I can't breathe. I can't find the surface. I don't really want to. I want to stay under the water and drown there. I am not trying hard enough. Why can't I try harder, be stronger? I am sorry. I know I need to let it go and to move on but I can't. I am not as good as everyone else. I am not cut out for it. I thought I could do it but I was wrong. I am exactly what I used to be and I knew I would become again. I don't want to be that girl again. She scares me to death and I don't like her. I don't want her in my life anymore. I changed for a reason but I can feel myself slipping back, slipping away, drowning and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I am so sorry. I wish. I just wish everyday. I hate myself right now. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just grow up, learn, move on. Thats what you're supposed to do but I can't no matter what I say or how hard I try. I have made myself believe one thing and I can't change it now. I lie to myself too well. At least I know I can fel again because I can still cry. I haven't done that since the incident. But the tears are back. At least I know that much. I really scare myself sometimes. I think I need professional help or something. I am fucked up. Seriously. I really need a written journal so I don't have to say this stuff on stupid livejournal anymore. I don't know where else to go. I don't want to burden Marsh with this anymore. It's not fair. I am really sorry. I feel so small sometimes in this big old place.

-Julie