CCTV has us all under control.
my eating patterns are totally revolving around my emotional state of mind. if you read the posts i made last week when i was constantly binging, it is easy to see how sad and depressed i was. i had panic attacks and could not control my emotions at all. i remember last thursday when i was sitting under my desk shaking and crying, just having purged all chocolate and cookies i had eaten and at the same time just wanting to binge again. i felt drained, tired, annoyed, depressed, lonely and sad. but now i have had 5 (FIVE!!!!!) binge free days and i feel great. i still have as much to do for school and have exactly as many friends as a week ago (no actually, one more!), but i dont feel as panicked or lonely. on the other hand, i feel strong in myself and my body. i also feel that i have less of a need to write in this log anymore. when im happy with myself, what shall i then write about?
but what still means alot for me is the support i get from certain people around here. you know who you are! it's great to have someone to write to about all this. there are so many things going around in my head that i never put words to before. it is great to have someone who listens, cares, and understands. and most of all, someone who doesn't condemn me.
when i watch documentaries or read books about ed's, they always talk about how dangerous it is and how these girls need help. but they don't understand the complexity in the diseases. of course i would like to have a normal relationship to food. i want to eat healthily and being able to enjoy a dinner without feeling guilty or wanting to binge even more afterwards. i also would like to be able to be the onnly one who eats in a room, and feeling proud, healthy and good about that eating. now i always watch what other people eat, and am careful to not eat more than anybody else. if i go to a coffeeshop alone, i feel like everybody's watching me and knows exactly what i am doing. i even get suspicious if i eat when i walk along the street. does anybody i know see me? is CCTV watching? this regulation, surveillance, normalisation of behaviour is what is supposed to keep the population under control, make us act as good and well-behaved citizens. i have stopped buying binge food with my credit card, because my friend once got asked by her bank why so huge amounts were withdrawn at supermarkets.. (but that time it WAS fraud, not mia)
to cite Foucault: "The body is the site of oppression." it feels especially true for all of us who are fighting against eating disorders.
but what still means alot for me is the support i get from certain people around here. you know who you are! it's great to have someone to write to about all this. there are so many things going around in my head that i never put words to before. it is great to have someone who listens, cares, and understands. and most of all, someone who doesn't condemn me.
when i watch documentaries or read books about ed's, they always talk about how dangerous it is and how these girls need help. but they don't understand the complexity in the diseases. of course i would like to have a normal relationship to food. i want to eat healthily and being able to enjoy a dinner without feeling guilty or wanting to binge even more afterwards. i also would like to be able to be the onnly one who eats in a room, and feeling proud, healthy and good about that eating. now i always watch what other people eat, and am careful to not eat more than anybody else. if i go to a coffeeshop alone, i feel like everybody's watching me and knows exactly what i am doing. i even get suspicious if i eat when i walk along the street. does anybody i know see me? is CCTV watching? this regulation, surveillance, normalisation of behaviour is what is supposed to keep the population under control, make us act as good and well-behaved citizens. i have stopped buying binge food with my credit card, because my friend once got asked by her bank why so huge amounts were withdrawn at supermarkets.. (but that time it WAS fraud, not mia)
to cite Foucault: "The body is the site of oppression." it feels especially true for all of us who are fighting against eating disorders.