Who are you?
I don't know. So please, don't ask me anymore questions right now. I keep hearing music, music that is coming from nowhere. And it makes me wonder if I've finaly cracked.
Have you ever experienced an emotions that has no words attached to it? One that you know you've felt before, several times, and every time you are left with nothing but feeling stumped by your own fucking brain.
It makes me angry and then I get sad because I am angry, and then I get angry because I am sad and I don't want to be one of those people who writes about nothing but how damned awful everything is.
Frankly, right now, I feel like my head is a vaccum, and I just keep sucking in all the light until it's gone. I'm left with a great vast nothingness. I was musing in my religion class today about how amazing my life is right now. I was seriously impressed by the fact that I keep functioning, somehow. I'm not sure where the hell the energy is coming from because I am certainly not producing it. So, it must be from some outside electromagnetic field I've been lucking enough to stumble upon.
I've been to the doctor. A very short, round doctor with bulging blue eyes and a tie that looks like it's holding him back from attacking something. But then, he talks to you in his gentle voice and says, "All your tests came back normal."
What does this mean? This means that the eight, yes, eight, vials of blood we drew from your arm showed that absolutely nothing is wrong with you!
But he kept going. He said something that made the inner most part of me jump up into my throat and dance. "But," he said, "that doesn't mean that there isn't something going on that we can't see."
He believed me. He actually believed me.
When I tell these people that my right foot has been in pain for the last three years and the health center and the podiatrist said there was nothing they could do for me. Except, here! Have some medicine that will cause your liver to fail and potentially kill you!
When I go to the urologist and say that I feel like I have to pee all the time, and my blood pressure is 80/50, and he looks at me, after doing a very violating exam, and says, You are perfectly health and a low blood pressure is a good thing!
I feel small and crazy, and like I am being punished for some ungodly deed.
I helped lift someone on a backboard Saturday afternoon. In doing so, I have managed to pull every single muscle in my back, neck and shoulders. My elbows hurt. I came home from work yesterday and went to bed. I slept from 9:30 pm - 7:10 am. I am still tired.
Imagine how a person who has just been trappled by an elephant would feel if they were still expected to stand up and walk around the day after it happened (and assuming that there was no physcial evidence the trampling had taken place). That's how it can get sometimes.
Is it wrong that I want to kick everyone in the teeth when they tell me anything. At all. Ever. I want to run and hide and cry. I want to scream. I want to kick things.
I work. I got to school. I am in charge of Rescue Squad, and I can barely maintain my composure when my boss tells me to do my job. Probably because there is no way she, or anyone else would every understand that when I stand up, it feels like someone it take a thousand needles and jabbing them into my back all at once.
I dont want pity. I want understanding. I want someone who will hold me and pat my head and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Someone who will support me and help me get through the day when it's hard, and not have any resentment, or anger about it. Someone who truely supports me, who lifts me up and make me feel like life is worth living and that the shit hole I am in right now will fall away and that someday I will be happy, and that it's all okay.
It's really all okay.
Now my fingers hurt from typing all this.
Have you ever experienced an emotions that has no words attached to it? One that you know you've felt before, several times, and every time you are left with nothing but feeling stumped by your own fucking brain.
It makes me angry and then I get sad because I am angry, and then I get angry because I am sad and I don't want to be one of those people who writes about nothing but how damned awful everything is.
Frankly, right now, I feel like my head is a vaccum, and I just keep sucking in all the light until it's gone. I'm left with a great vast nothingness. I was musing in my religion class today about how amazing my life is right now. I was seriously impressed by the fact that I keep functioning, somehow. I'm not sure where the hell the energy is coming from because I am certainly not producing it. So, it must be from some outside electromagnetic field I've been lucking enough to stumble upon.
I've been to the doctor. A very short, round doctor with bulging blue eyes and a tie that looks like it's holding him back from attacking something. But then, he talks to you in his gentle voice and says, "All your tests came back normal."
What does this mean? This means that the eight, yes, eight, vials of blood we drew from your arm showed that absolutely nothing is wrong with you!
But he kept going. He said something that made the inner most part of me jump up into my throat and dance. "But," he said, "that doesn't mean that there isn't something going on that we can't see."
He believed me. He actually believed me.
When I tell these people that my right foot has been in pain for the last three years and the health center and the podiatrist said there was nothing they could do for me. Except, here! Have some medicine that will cause your liver to fail and potentially kill you!
When I go to the urologist and say that I feel like I have to pee all the time, and my blood pressure is 80/50, and he looks at me, after doing a very violating exam, and says, You are perfectly health and a low blood pressure is a good thing!
I feel small and crazy, and like I am being punished for some ungodly deed.
I helped lift someone on a backboard Saturday afternoon. In doing so, I have managed to pull every single muscle in my back, neck and shoulders. My elbows hurt. I came home from work yesterday and went to bed. I slept from 9:30 pm - 7:10 am. I am still tired.
Imagine how a person who has just been trappled by an elephant would feel if they were still expected to stand up and walk around the day after it happened (and assuming that there was no physcial evidence the trampling had taken place). That's how it can get sometimes.
Is it wrong that I want to kick everyone in the teeth when they tell me anything. At all. Ever. I want to run and hide and cry. I want to scream. I want to kick things.
I work. I got to school. I am in charge of Rescue Squad, and I can barely maintain my composure when my boss tells me to do my job. Probably because there is no way she, or anyone else would every understand that when I stand up, it feels like someone it take a thousand needles and jabbing them into my back all at once.
I dont want pity. I want understanding. I want someone who will hold me and pat my head and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Someone who will support me and help me get through the day when it's hard, and not have any resentment, or anger about it. Someone who truely supports me, who lifts me up and make me feel like life is worth living and that the shit hole I am in right now will fall away and that someday I will be happy, and that it's all okay.
It's really all okay.
Now my fingers hurt from typing all this.