(no subject)
Since losing my job things have gone from bad to worse. I haven't found anything new yet and I'm already really demoralized. I'm under a lot of stress both from my parents and myself to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do now.
I'm very lonely lately. It feels like the closest people are on another planet. As much as I wish that I could draw comfort from the people who care about me online, it's just not enough. I'm tired of sitting alone in my room. I'm tired of doing things alone and missing out on things I want to do because I don't want to do them alone. I know that if I really want to do something I should just go and do it. I'm just sick of it.
Things are essentially the same with Chesney. I don't really know what to think in regards to her right now. I thought that we were on the same page, but lately I'm not so sure. It really took me some time to trust her and all it takes is a bit of anxiety for me to fall apart. It may be a totally wrong assumption, but it just doesn't feel like she really needs me around or even cares if I come or go. It may just be paranoia stemming from all of this anxiety, but it really doesn't seem like I'm very special to her at all. Last night I didn't say goodnight to her for the first time in about two months. Not because I'm particularly mad at her or disappointed, but because I feel so far away. I feel like a pest. I feel like I'm bugging her and I feel like she is just indifferent to me. It's easy to feel like she doesn't care about me when it doesn't seem like she wants to make any effort at all. Maybe I'm just feeling shitty about my entire life and it's spilling over into my relationship with her. Maybe I just thought I had a relationship and I was wrong.
It feels like a really long time since I was happy. It feels like an even longer time since I've been able to honestly open up to somebody. I probably haven't felt comfortable enough to tell somebody when I needed them since I started dating Leah. But that was a lifetime ago and everything is different now.
Everything sucks so bad. I'm not even excited about the Phillies going to the world series right now. I'm just deperessed and lonely. I am struggling so hard just to find something I can look forward to. My birthday is coming but who cares? Halloween is coming but I have no friends to spend it with. The Exhumed marathon is coming, but again, no friends. I was wrong to get my hopes up. I was wrong to think that things would be different for some reason. Life sucks.
I'm very lonely lately. It feels like the closest people are on another planet. As much as I wish that I could draw comfort from the people who care about me online, it's just not enough. I'm tired of sitting alone in my room. I'm tired of doing things alone and missing out on things I want to do because I don't want to do them alone. I know that if I really want to do something I should just go and do it. I'm just sick of it.
Things are essentially the same with Chesney. I don't really know what to think in regards to her right now. I thought that we were on the same page, but lately I'm not so sure. It really took me some time to trust her and all it takes is a bit of anxiety for me to fall apart. It may be a totally wrong assumption, but it just doesn't feel like she really needs me around or even cares if I come or go. It may just be paranoia stemming from all of this anxiety, but it really doesn't seem like I'm very special to her at all. Last night I didn't say goodnight to her for the first time in about two months. Not because I'm particularly mad at her or disappointed, but because I feel so far away. I feel like a pest. I feel like I'm bugging her and I feel like she is just indifferent to me. It's easy to feel like she doesn't care about me when it doesn't seem like she wants to make any effort at all. Maybe I'm just feeling shitty about my entire life and it's spilling over into my relationship with her. Maybe I just thought I had a relationship and I was wrong.
It feels like a really long time since I was happy. It feels like an even longer time since I've been able to honestly open up to somebody. I probably haven't felt comfortable enough to tell somebody when I needed them since I started dating Leah. But that was a lifetime ago and everything is different now.
Everything sucks so bad. I'm not even excited about the Phillies going to the world series right now. I'm just deperessed and lonely. I am struggling so hard just to find something I can look forward to. My birthday is coming but who cares? Halloween is coming but I have no friends to spend it with. The Exhumed marathon is coming, but again, no friends. I was wrong to get my hopes up. I was wrong to think that things would be different for some reason. Life sucks.